#99 Should I mend relationship with my sister? / How much coaching to heal my addiction to blaming?
DEAR ABBY: Fourteen years ago, when my daughter was 4, my older sister, “Jennifer,'' was visiting. She was conversing with people at my dinner table, and my 4-year-old daughter was seated next to her. Jennifer was swearing and using vulgar language. (When I was younger, we could never even say 'jeez'' in front of Jennifer's' children.)
My daughter tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Aunt Jenny. You shouldn't be saying words like that in front of me." My sister turned to her and said, "Listen, you little s---. You can't tell me what to say and not to say!" I haven't spoken to Jennifer much since that evening. She sent me a T-shirt soon afterward that said, "Get over it."
Well. 14 years later, I still haven't. She never apologized to me or my daughter. My niece (Jennifer's daughter) thinks we should talk. I can't imagine anything I could have done in my younger years to have her retaliate in such a way. My niece says I should just let it go. Help! It still bothers me. —SUE IN OXFORD, CONN.
DEAR SUE: Your sister should have apologized, but obviously she wasn’t big enough to do it. What happened 14 years ago was extremely regrettable. However, enough water has flowed under the bridge since then to have washed away your sister's sins. I agree with your niece. It's time to let bygones be bygones. However, when your sister is under your roof, never give her anything stronger than apple juice. —Abby
Gabby's Reply
Hi Sue: This is a great letter, it speaks to many families and relationships.
It's easy to see that Jennifer communicated abusively to your daughter. Many who read your letter might even take your side. Herein lies the rub. You have managed to cause your child to continue a fight you started with your sister years ago, before the dinner table incident. In so doing you turned your daughter against unapologetic Aunt Jenny. That's quite masterful of you. Nasty, but nevertheless masterful.
Most readers will acknowledge that your daughter could have been coached a bit better about interacting with adults. Her's was a self-righteous judgment. At best it was understandable precociousness. Amongst people with whom you have an agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, such spontaneity would trigger appropriate laughter and then coaching. In any case, it obviously didn't feel good to Jennifer. One problem is that you can't see just how bad your daughter’s abusive lashing out felt to Jennifer. Just who taught your daughter to be so rude? Hint: It's an emulation kind of behavior. Whatever gave her the idea that criticisms of guests would be acceptable? Not only acceptable, but rewarded and defended. Notice that you set up your daughter to deliver the coup de grâce—the relationship-estranging blow. Had you been as loving and innocent as you pretend to be you would have called Jennifer into the kitchen and asked her to not swear in front of your child.
I say, "you started" because you are still spewing confusion and causing misdirection so that you don't have to acknowledge that you started it (most likely a childhood incident). The source of 99% of the arguments about burnt toast is not about the burnt toast.
Re: “...I can't imagine anything I could have done...” Yes, I get that. It’s normal. It's possible your mind won't allow you to recall the incomplete incident with your sister; it (your mind) has spent an incredible amount of energy creating a reality for you to hide the incident. Even now you’re hell bent on enrolling others that you’re the victim. It’s great that you wrote; it’s your integrity at work unconsciously supporting you in cleaning up the mess from how you caused it.
Re: “When I was younger, we could never even say 'jeez'' in front of Jennifer's' children.” Could part of this problem be the delayed consequences of hypocrisy? —if not, then eventually you’ll bring someone into your life to mirror it.
With the help of a communication skills coach you could recall the incident. The experience of recalling it will transform your relationship with everyone. All these years you've been presenting yourself as the nice person whereas the truth is you have become stuck in take-away and blaming.
What's sad is that you have trained your daughter to blame others for the fights/arguments she starts. She’s oblivious to the fact that her leadership-communication model, the way she communicates (that which she learned from you), turns others against each other. It’s referred to as an adversarial communication model. Some children mirror their parents and inspire harmony. Both you and your daughter need counseling—as do your parents (your parents taught you and Jennifer to fight and blame and hold grudges).
Now here’s the even sadder part. You can’t heal with Jennifer in your life, however infrequent and distant things are now. She is as addicted to abuse as are you. To heal yourself you’ll first have to issue her a responsible estrangement ultimatum—preferably in writing. That is to say, you have been communicating it but nonverbally, covertly and irresponsibly. “I’ll not be talking or interacting (verbally, gifts, written or phone messages) with you until you can tell me you have completed 25 hours of counseling/coaching/therapy.” This means that you will have to do as much therapy so as to get to the source of your spiteful blaming and badmouthing. Perhaps then you’ll be able to acknowledge to Aunt Jenny that you have been punishing her all these years for ... and that you, albeit unconsciously, sicked your daughter on her. —With aloha, Gabby