Dear Annie: My friend, “Zoe,” and I are both 16. We met this past year. On one of our first nights hanging out together outside of school, Zoe confessed that she had been severely sexually abused by her father from the time she was 4 until she was 13. She said she finally told her mom and it was “all worked out.” I told Zoe I’d be there for her if she needed to talk. Recently, she confessed that when she said it was over, it really wasn’t, but she swears it is now. Her mom isn’t divorcing her dad or calling the police or anything. Furthermore, Zoe has a brother who is a few years older and leads a messed-up life. She thinks he was abused, too, but she isn’t sure. Annie, I don’t know what to do. Zoe made me promise not to tell anyone, but I feel my priority as a friend is to do what is best for her well-being. Unfortunately, I don’t know what that is. If I tell the police, I’m not sure she will admit the abuse, in an effort to protect her father. But if I don’t say anything he is likely to keep abusing her. Please help. —Concerned in California
Dear Concerned: You have a good head on your shoulders, and Zoe is lucky to have you in her life. Talk to your parents about this. If school is still in session, they can decide if the school authorities should be brought in. You or Zoe also can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline (rainn.org) at (800) 656-4673. Meanwhile, tell Zoe she owes it to herself and her brother to report the abuse so it can be investigated, and so she can receive counseling. You cannot force her, but she should know you will stand beside her if she speaks up. —Annie
Gabby’s Reply
Hi Concerned: What a great letter, so responsible of you. There are thousands of readers who are also dragging around secrets that ought not to have been made. Such communications detract from ones aliveness, from the experience of being whole and complete. There is a way to undo such promises with integrity—keep reading.
Your parents were supposed to have taught you to not keep secrets, more specifically, to not create space for another to dump stuff in your mind that becomes a problem for you, or presents you with an ethical dilemma. A "friend" doesn't do that to a friend. Notice that Zoe supports you in being deceitful with your parents. It’s unethical to ask someone to not tell others something. As with you, what Zoe manipulated you into not telling others conflicts with your own ethics. Incest is simply not something one is supposed to keep quiet about—in this case you are now a co-conspirator and responsible for the abuse.
Because of your maturity you have inspired confidence and trustworthiness and so you have discovered a pitfall about secrets. Most of us learn by making the mistake of agreeing to keep a secret that then turns into a conspiracy of ever-growing deceit. The secret-keeper is no longer a person of integrity. Parents who themselves operate from integrity and other conscious individuals can tell in a nano-second that the secret-keeper is hiding something; they don’t know what but they know there’s something in the space where communication used to take place. The openness, the aura of honesty is somewhat clouded over.
Your parents should have told you earlier to let friends know, “I’m no good with secrets so don’t tell me anything you don’t want others to know. My parents and I talk about everything, we don’t hide anything from each other.”
Your concern reveals that you don’t have open and honest communication between you and your folks else you would have already discussed this with them with the confidence of knowing that it would be handled appropriately.
It could be said that you unconsciously set up your friend to dump this secret in your lap in support of you being open and honest with your parents. This is your integrity at work putting the finishing touches on your personal growth and character. It’s one of those forks in the road. You will either commit to being open and honest and spontaneous with your parents, and therefore your relationship-partners for life, or, you will bring your already ingrained pattern of withholding thoughts from, say, your husband as you do now with your parents. Millions of divorced couples will attest that their marriage started to go south when they chose to withhold thought number one from their partner sometime at the very beginning of the relationship. The time to practice communicating openly and honestly and spontaneously is now with your parents.
Notice also that you have not discussed your concerns with Zoe. This is another example of how ingrained your pattern of withholding thoughts has become. A person committed to being in-integrity could no more have walked away from that conversation with Zoe than they could ignore a grain of sand in their eye. You felt as badly and confused then, as she was telling you her drama, as you do now; something was sapping your consciousness, you didn’t spontaneously share your considerations at the moment with her. Now you are even more out-integrity, dragging this problem around from class to class trying to learn subject matter with this crap occupying your mind. The problem reveals that you were out-integrity about something before that conversation with Zoe; you had been hiding something from your parents—but that’s another letter.
Here’s an example of what that conversation with Zoe should have been about:
- “Wow Zoe. I sure am uncomfortable with the thought of having to keep that a secret from my parents; we are committed to talking about everything, no secrets. Your Mom should have reported the abuse to the police. She should have insisted upon counseling and most importantly she should have initiated a divorce. It’s simply unethical of her to submit you to the remote possibility that it may happen again. It reveals how much she needs therapy, that she could be so unconscious, so not in communication with your Dad, that she couldn't tell what was going on right under her nose. Can you see this? Do you get what I’m saying? Do you see that your silence rewards abuse? Do you see that your Mom is sick and needs help? I need you to tell me that you know this. Would you be willing to tell your mother that if she doesn't report this to the authorities then she leaves you no option but to report them yourself? It’s so bad Zoe that if you don’t do this, you’ll leave me no choice but to tell my folks whom I’m certain will ask you the same questions. They will ask you to ask your Mom to turn herself in or they will have no choice but to report your parents. Yours is a cry for help.”