#96 Mom-in-law fed up with accusations of playing favorites

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Gabby
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#96 Mom-in-law fed up with accusations of playing favorites

Post by Gabby » Mon Feb 12, 2007 2:21 pm

#96 Mom-in-law fed up with accusations of playing favorites / Am I causing this disrespect?

Dear Annie: I have two sons - "Roger," who is married with three young children, and "Max," who has a baby. Max isn't married to the mother yet, but they live together and will be getting married soon. I consider her his wife. I love both the girls with all my heart.

The problem is, the girls are jealous of each other. They constantly claim that I favor one or the other and that I love "the other one's" kids more. I find this really annoying, and it makes me feel very sad, because I love all four of my grandchildren equally and try to treat them the same. Roger's wife does not have any other family here, and Max's girl-friend was born and raised in this town, so she has a great support team. I probably spend a bit more time with Roger's kids, simply because their mother needs my help more often.

I am at the point where I'm afraid to even visit or call either of them for fear the other will get angry. This seems petty to me, and I wish they would quit fighting over me like a dog with a bone. I know lot of mothers-in-law might think this is wonderful, but it's not. Annie, how can I salvage our family closeness without loosing my mind? Mom in the Middle

Dear Mom in the Middle: These girls are using you to cement their position in the family.

If you are truly making every effort to treat them equally, don't get into lengthy arguments defending yourself. Unless their complaints have merit, ignore them. Be polite, calm, and kind at all times, and smile and change the subject when necessary. When they see you will not jump through hoops and they can't play you against each other, they will stop. —Annie


Gabby's Reply:

Hi Middle: Not. One thing's for certain, you are not in the middle; you are in fact the leader, way out in front of this drama parade. Now would be a good time to remind yourself that your leadership-communication skills have both inspired and rewarded this behavior from the very first such communication, in truth you brought this skill into the relationship. As long as you keep communicating as you have they have no choice but to follow your unconscious intentions. Note: "Skill" as used here refers to your ability to cause friction and abuse.

Re: "losing my mind" Too late. You've already lost it. The mind that got you this far, the one that created this problem, can only create more of the same. For example: "I probably spend…" "simply because their mother needs my help…" and "…seems petty to me" these statements reveal that you are in denial and that you have an incorrect view of responsibility.

I assure you Roger's wife does not need your help.

Whenever you see two at odds with each other always look for the third party (the instigator) standing in the wings pretending to be everyone's ally. In this case you've got two instigators. Your sons should have nipped this in the bud and they haven't. That's your far greater leadership problem. However unconscious they both may be they are in fact supporting the girls in abusing you, (I use the word "girls" here to draw attention to the fact that they are both stuck in teen behaviors en route to becoming women). Yes, it is abuse—you inciting (causing) it and all four responding to your leadership. Son's not addicted to abuse would have said to both women, "We need to have a family clearing so as to get to the source of this accusation that she is being unfair. To persist in accusing our Mom of being unfair is abusive." The fact that your sons silently nonverbally condone this behavior indicates that they believe the girls, thought possibly not accurate with their accusations, are in fact serving some purpose; the girls are delivering resentments, communications that represent communications both sons are afraid to deliver to you themselves. They both have dozens of thoughts, judgments and perpetrations, they have been withholding from you.

I don't get from your letter that you are willing to do whatever it takes to complete this pattern. Unbeknownst to you they have revealed that you need leadership-communication skills coaching. If you don't get help you will continue to blame them as though they are cause. They will pass this pattern of creating friction and blaming loved ones on to their children.

Notice I do not offer specific advice as to what to say or how to clean up the mess. Why? Because you are you and any advice I would offer you could not, nor would you be able to, implement it effectively. Presently all you have to do is say something, or say nothing, and it produces more of the same. Standing silently in the room you simply don't command respect. People don't treat those they respect as they are you. It's your very ground of being (all your beliefs, all you believe to be true) that causes this. What's required is a transformation (on your part). Once you've transformed (read healed) there will be no space for such games to be played. You'll notice that the longer you put off coaching/counseling the more you will cause them to abuse you, and your sons. Yes, your sons, they also are addicted to this drama but soon they will tire of it. Wait too long and you'll be dealing with the contents of their messy divorces. —Gabby

PS. One thing you'll discover in the leadership-communication-support skills curriculum is that the truth always disappears problems. You have not been telling the truth to anyone; especially you haven't told each girl what it feels like to to be accused of bias. Also, what each girl says is what they are upset about is not at all what each are upset about. Persistent and inappropriate upsets are always about an earlier and similar incident, an incomplete. Clue: It's not necessarily an incomplete with you. Each treated their own mom like they are you and have yet to be acknowledged for that abuse.

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