Dear Abby: As a licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed professional counselor and a stepparent, would like to offer some information to "Ashamed in the South” (10/7) that might ease her mind.
She was troubled because she didn't feel love, toward her stepchildren. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that stepparents should love their stepchildren. If stepparents do love their stepchildren (and vice versa), that is a definite plus, but it is not required. What IS required, in my opinion, is that people in stepfamilies treat each other respectfully. Love often comes in time, but not always.
In addition to your good advice, I would say to "Ashamed in the South": There seems to be an unspoken expectation that stepparents should love their stepchildren. If stepparents do love their stepchildren (and vice versa), that’s a plus, but it not required. What is required, in my opinion, is that people in stepfamilies treat each other respectfully. Love often comes in time, but not always.
In addition to your good advice, I would say to "Ashamed in the South" “Behave respectfully and kindly toward your stepchildren. Be open to the possibility of love, but give yourself a break. You are not a bad person because you don't feel love toward them at this time. Love their father and expect less from yourself."
Abby, I can't help but believe that if she can take some of the pressure off herself, she might find that she will begin to feel differently toward her stepchildren. FAMILY THERAPIST IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FAMILY THERAPIST: Thank you for a terrific letter, one which I know will ease the minds of many other stepparents who are embarking on the challenging role of blending two already-formed families into one. …Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi "Ashamed in the South”: How great that you reached out. My own foster parents did not and as such I only experienced love once, for a few minutes when I was 24, and not again until age 35 when I discovered how to create it at will.
Your stepchildren have given you an awesome gift. It’s your integrity that prompted you to write. You are simply not whole and complete. It’s called being out-integrity. It supports you in discovering that there is another whole domain to communication, another communication model, so unlike what you have been using/doing that it will take the rest of your life and considerable coaching to master this other model. The model you have been taught, by parents, teachers and clergy is what’s referred to as the adversarial communication model. One of it’s by-products is us and them such as you have been experiencing with your stepchildren. There is another communication model, a way of relating, of communicating, it’s called intentional communication. It’s not taught in schools.
The problem is, no matter what you believe or others may say, you have not been in communication with your stepchildren. You have in fact mastered talking which produces more of the same less-than-desirable results. We know this to be true because when communication takes place there is an experience of love. For most the experience of love is created accidentally, we know this to be true because they cannot recreate it at will through a single conversation. Feuding couples may resolve an argument but seldom do either experience the joy and bliss that once was.
With intentional communication all parties must agree to communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously, zero thoughts withheld (there are a few more agreements having to do with integrity). Any thought withheld using either your model or this model serves as a barrier to the experience of love. This accounts for why millions of married couples haven’t experienced the experience of love for a long time, they’ve simply accumulated hundreds of withholds. Instead they live from the concept of love formulated from their last experience.
One truth we know you’ve withheld from your stepchildren is the thought that you have not been experiencing love in your relationship with them. This might seem like a hurtful thing to say, however, communicated from a context of intending to experience love it absolutely works. I assure you they are totally capable of hearing any truth that would come from your mind. Your thoughts (worries/concerns/considerations) have been serving as barriers to the experience of love.
- For example: If one has the courage to tell the person they are dating that they (the date) are not their number ten, the relationship transforms. Assuming all other withholds have been delivered there is in fact an experience of love. What we want most is someone with whom we can tell the truth.
Read more about clearing and emptying your mind through The Clearing Process (it’s free). It will give you some sense of how to create a safe space for them to tell the truth. With aloha, Gabby
P.S. One more thing: You love them and they love you as much as you love everyone else in your family and on the planet. Love is a given. What keeps us from experience our love is we have hundreds and hundreds (some even thousands) of withholds with most everyone which serve as barriers to the experience of love.