Dear Margo. My live-in fiancé of two years had an affair. I threw him out, and he ended it. He went into therapy on his own; we also went as a couple. He swears I am the woman of his dreams and understands now that he doesn't want to grow old without me. You know all the lines: He was confused, I was distant, she paid attention to him.
I think he is being honest. I understand people make mistakes and do things they regret, but I can't seem to forgive him. I always swore I would dump a cheater. So do you think "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is true, or can trust and forgiveness be genuine? —Alicia
Dear AL: If you understand, as you write, that people do things they regret, and you have feelings for this man, you could probably work through it. "Once a cheat; always a cheat" is often the case, but stepping out can also be a onetime thing. I think time will help you come to a decision. —Margo, patiently
Gabby’s Reply
Hi Al: I applaud you for your willingness to look at forgiveness (read What behaviors to forgive?) —as such I can reply appropriate to the curriculum for which you appear ready. What follows won’t be comfortable however, in support of enlightenment these are essential conversations.
The fact that you are stuck in labeling ("cheater") indicates that you have not learned what you need to learn. A person cheats but is not "a cheater." Neither would you be a liar if you were to create a new relationship with him again, "I always swore I would dump a cheater." In fact you already have dumped him.
Neither of you have gotten to the truth as to what this is about. It appears you have yet to acknowledge that he has had no choice other than to mirror your own out-integrity. In personal relationships you have been, and always will be, the leader. If you use your present leadership-communication skills to start up again you will most certainly create more of the same.
You are coming from, operating from, victim. It's important to acknowledge that your leadership-communication skills have not inspired integrity. It has to do with your programming, your karma, your ground of being—these variables are affecting your agreement-making skills. Your letter reveals nothing has changed; your therapy merely entrenched you further in self-righteousness. You still blame him for your machinations.
Re: His statement, "I was distant" although a covert blaming make-wrong, is also true. Your present communication model doesn't create an experience of intercourse; it causes closeness but not togetherness/oneness—an experience that you are him and he you. At some level he knows what's possible and what he was creating with you wasn't it.
Also, I don't get that he retracted his "distant" reason and acknowledged it as a lie. None of the reasons he told you or the therapist are the truth, as such the pattern is still there. Under the reasons, the drama, the story, is the truth; it's take a conscious counselor with impeccable integrity to get to the truth of an incident and thereby allow for choice thereafter. He may stop cheating for a while but his parents programmed him to cheat, he has had no choice. A person who is programmed to be "good" and "polite" will not verbally communicate to you what they think of you to your face, instead they will communicate it non-verbally and badmouth you behind your back, all the while presenting themselves as honest—but not communicating openly and honestly. They simply can't communicate verbally the truth to your face, such is their programming. One tells the truth because it works, not to be polite or to hold on to someone.
- For example, a prisoner up for parole cannot tell the truth to the parole board. Prisoner: "I don't know if I will do drugs again. I say I won't, I believe I won't, but I honestly don't know." Instead they lie to the parole board, Prisoner: "Oh no! I know I won't! I've learned my lesson." That lie has consequences for everyone. The parole board is oblivious to the fact that they set it up for prisoners to lie and thereby fail. Board members, like yourself, have not been trained how to create space for the truth to be told.
A woman who is conscious is in communication with her partner. An unconscious person, someone dragging around a lifetime of unacknowledged perpetrations, doesn’t insist (quite sneakily, albeit unconsciously) upon open, and honest communication, zero significant thoughts withheld, with any partner. "Insist" here is usually an implied inspired communication, seldom verbalized—it’s simply unthinkable to consciously do anything that would hurt/abuse the other. You have only had a few peak experiences of being in-communication with him. Most everything that has taken place between you and him is what’s referred to as an imitation of communication.
Re: "I think he is being honest." A conscious person would know. That you only "think" indicates that you know that there is something about this whole incident that is not complete for you. You’re looking at an iceberg, so much is hidden from you both. Experience tells me that neither of you are being honest. You are oblivious to the fact that you’ve conned him into begging you to give him another chance. Even now you are still manipulating him. Put another way, he cannot heal until you do (read about the Community Support Group Project).
Whether or not he gets to the source of his problems with agreements depends upon his therapist. The fact that he’s still pursuing you, still addicted to conning and being conned, indicates that his therapist is unconscious and not clear about responsibility. In other words, he has conned his therapist, just as he conned you. Cons most always instinctually (almost magically) chose a therapist whom he/she can manipulate. The mind is quite clever at acting like it wants to heal but in truth is bent on surviving with its reality and mechanisms intact. "Look how hard I tried, etc.."
Now we get to what the genius in you has been up to.
Re: "I understand people make mistakes and do things they regret, but I can't seem to forgive him." This is excellent. At some level you know that you manipulated him into cheating on you. So, for you to heal you’ll first have to acknowledge to yourself, and then to him, that you caused this and then forgive yourself. It doesn’t make sense to forgive someone for something you intended for him or her to do. To forgive him means you’d live life thereafter as the benevolent forgiver, causing him to live in guilt, covertly reminding him that he is an untrustworthy "cheater" and that you are the nice guy. He might be faithful but it would be out of fear not choice. I doubt if he could tell you each time he saw a woman that triggered thoughts of sex. He’d be afraid of triggering your thoughts of distrust, your insecurity.
Notice how you conned a person not committed to keeping agreements into creating the illusion of a fidelity agreement. You are now able to look back and see that you knew he was not trustworthy. You deceived him by not communicating up front the consequences of cheating. You led him to believe that the relationship was much like everyone else’s. Agreements are co-created verbally, nonverbally, and through implication—no drug pushing, no murdering, bank robbing, etc. You still blame him for your poorly created "be faithful" agreement. You didn’t communicate, "Absolutely no cheating or it’s over. No second chances. Got that?" In fact what you communicated, nonverbally, was, "It won’t be OK but if you jump through enough hoops I’ll consider forgiving you." We know this to be true based upon the results of your implied and nonverbal communications. Women who will not tolerate cheating communicate so up front and their partners get it (read Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating). Quite often the result is produce nonverbally via intention. There’s something about a person of integrity that inspires and attracts equally honest partners; as such, broken agreements are not one of their problems. On the other hand, there is something about your integrity that begs to be acknowledged, so much so that you brought someone into your life to mirror your own out-integrity.
Now is the time to take advantage of this opportunity, given that you’ve set it up to "happen," to clean up your past (do The Clearing Process). We’re talking about a lifetime of lies, cheatings, thwartings, withholds, and deceptions. Once you’ve acknowledged life’s perps there will no need nor space for others to withhold their thoughts of choice from you. I.e. "I saw this great looking woman today. My first thought was that I wanted to have sex with her." When you’re a safe space for the truth to be told, truths will be told.
This is very powerful stuff we’re talking about. Are you up for the communication mastery curriculum? If yes, do five clearings. One per day for five days in a row. With aloha, Gabby
Last edited 1/1/19