#91 Guilt about not loving my stepdaughters

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Gabby
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#91 Guilt about not loving my stepdaughters

Post by Gabby » Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:03 am

#91 Guilt about not loving my stepdaughters / Imitation of communication not producing love

DEAR ABBY: I married the man of my dreams. We have a wonderful life together, and we just had a beautiful baby girl. My Husband was married before and has two children from his first marriage. They are great to me—in fact, they are great kids.

The problem is, I don't love them. I feel so guilty about it. I treat them really well and I'd do anything for them. But when it is "our" weekend, I dread going home. I am not like that with our daughter—her I love with all my heart.

Why do I feel this way, and how can I change this? I need some advice desperately. Ashamed in the South

DEAR ASHAMED: We don't love all people the same way, but that doesn't mean we don't have love for them.

It is possible that on some level you resent your husband's children because they represent the intimacy he had with his first wife. But let me assure you that unless you are willing to work on those feelings, you will cause conflict and hurt in your household.

My advice is to discuss this with a therapist and work it through. And in the meantime, work extra hard at being a loving and caring friend to those kids—because when all is said and done you're not their mother and friend is all you can be. —Abby


Gabby’s Reply

Dear Ashamed: It’s so great you wrote. I learned the hard way. As Abby says, I caused lots of conflict and hurt.

Two things: First. I get that you have experienced shame. However that is not your problem. We know this because when you tell the truth, the problem disappears. My sense is you still felt ashamed after you wrote your letter and perhaps still do. So telling what you thought to be the truth didn’t resolve the issue. We have yet to address the problem. What we’ve done so far is to get the subject matter out in the open so as to define the problem, which is no small feat. Millions of others have the same problem, especially relationship couples who love each other conceptually but seldom experience the experience of love any more, and, they don’t know how to recreate it, at will, through a single sit-down conversation. Arrogance, (a resistance to asking for support) is definitely a barrier to the experience of love.

Secondly: Asking "why" is not a very useful path to go down. Few therapists would allow you to get into that never ending story. The answer as to why even delves into the metaphysical, it has to do with everything; everything you've ever said and done and all the interactions you’ve ever had and all the thoughts you’ve ever thought—get my drift? It would take as long as you’ve lived to completely discuss the why of any thing. Remember how your mother would answer some questions "Because. That's why." What she was communicating is, "I simply can't answer your question because their is no simple answer."

Your problem stems from the fact that you are not communicating openly and honestly with anyone in your life. All you need is one person with whom you share all such thoughts, zero thoughts withheld. Problems simply don’t persist once you've developed the communication-leadership skills to have just one open, honest, and spontaneous relationship. When an unwanted problem persists it indicates that you have become stuck doing your imitation of communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

For example: My sense tells me that you have not discussed this with your husband. For certain you have not verbally communicated it with the children. I emphasize "verbally" because it does get communicated nonverbally. You have not been communicating from your experience with the children. You’ve been communicating from your mind (it's called talking which is entirely different than communication). Talking always produces more of the same. Put another way. They can’t trust you to share what you’re experiencing in your relationship with them. So you can see that there are issues of trust that you've created using your present communication model, the one your parents and teachers taught you. You have been withholding thoughts from them. Withholds serve as barriers to the experience of love. I assure you they too have thoughts they have not been sharing with you. Had you shared this concern with your husband and if he had not offered advice but simply gotten your thought as a consideration, upon completion of that interaction, you would have been in a different space. You would have found yourself sitting down and discussing the absence of the experience of love with your stepdaughters.

So, how do you learn how to communicate from your experience? You find someone to coach you.

You have three options: Post your concern on the Message Board and you’ll receive a reply. But, the reply will only give you some sense of the immensity of the curriculum ahead. The second option is to read about the Relationship Communication Skills Tutorial and see if it feels right for you. The tutorial consists of a series of conversations with a coach, the effects of which will transform your relationship with the girls. The third option is to do a 3-hr communication-skills consultation via telephone. It too is powerful and supports transformation. If you read over all of Gabby’s replies you’ll notice that you’re the only one who Gabby has suggested the three options. This is because of your present communication skills and the fact that you are enlightened enough to have reached out; that is to say, you intuitively know that there is a way to create the experience of love within a single sit-down conversation.

Lastly: Making yourself wrong for a result your communication model produces guarantees more of the same. It invalidates the genius in you that set up life to get this far in the enlightenment game. Trying to change the way you feel won't work. What will work is communication, simply by getting into communication you will experience love. With aloha, Gabby

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