#89 Pastor’s wife with a past could cause havoc
DEAR ABBY: Being a pastor of a church, I had to respond to the letter from "Hates Hypocrites in Washington." She's the woman who discovered that the new associate pastor's wife, "Millie," is the same woman who broke up her marriage, in addition to having had a "history," so to speak.
The senior pastor is probably aware of at least some of what she wrote about - that Millie has had two previous marriages, countless affairs and did time in prison for drugs. However, on the off chance that he doesn't, "Hates Hypocrites" should say something.
As you suggested, she needs to introduce herself to the woman in question: Millie's reaction will give her a pretty good idea of whether she has had a change of heart in recent years. If Millie hasn't, then the writer needs to go quietly to the pastor, approaching it from the standpoint of, "I hope Millie has turned over a new leaf since all of this, but you need to know that ..."
I have seen firsthand what can happen when not enough questions are asked when a staff person comes into a church. While I hope and pray that Millie has learned from her mistakes, that may not be the case. THE REV. CHET THOMAS, DAWSON, GA.
DEAR REV. THOMAS: Although I am reluctant to see anyone "carry tales” that could ruin a career – specifically the associate pastor’s - I bow to your expertise.
You are not the only clergyperson who weighed in on this one. Read on: —ABBY
DEAR ABBY: I am an ordained minister and pastoral counselor. While it's traditional in many churches, simply being a pastor's spouse in no way qualifies someone to teach marriage classes any more than being a doctor's wife qualifies her to teach CPR. That she knows first hand where the pitfalls are does not make her an expert on how to form healthy relationships and avoid adultery, drugs, prison, etc.
Whether or not this pastor's wife, "Millie,” may have repented of her sin and amended her life, she is still responsible for her past behavior, and one of its consequences is that her credibility as an expert on marriage may rightfully be questioned. Nor should one assume that all pastors’ marriages are exemplary. Since clergy families live highly public lives, whatever flaws this marriage has are on public display, and given Millie's past, one would assume there might be many that come to light.
The woman's real value to a marriage class could be as an example of one who has acknowledged her failing and changed her ways, and shows openness to learn from others who have had longer, more healthy relationships - but not if she hides her past and pretends to be something she's not. —MARY KRAHN, BEMUS POINT, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: If it is true that the new associate pastor’s wife broke up the writer's marriage, and has a history of similarly disruptive behavior elsewhere, then the woman represents a potentially destructive force in that congregation. As a parish minister of nearly 30 years, I can see the red flags flying high on this one.
"Hates Hypocrites" should notify the appropriate denominational officials of whatever larger body this church is affiliated with and let them take whatever action they feel may be warranted. This is not about “Hates Hypocrites" getting revenge; it is about protecting the stability and well being of the congregation. THE REV. STEPHEN EDINGTON, NASHUA, NH
Gabby’s Reply:
How perfect that Millie has once again come into “Hates Hypocrites” (HH's) life. HH is still stuck dramatizing her divorce and in blaming Millie. HH is well on the road to completing her divorce because at some level she’s beginning to recognize her own hypocrisy, that of lying and presenting to her community that someone else is responsible for driving her husband into the arms of another.
Re: Rev. Thomas’ advice— “If Millie hasn't, then the writer needs to go quietly to the pastor,” I would prefer to have read, “If Millie hasn't, then the writer needs to tell Millie that she, HH, would like her to tell the Rev Thomas all that she, HH, knows, and that if she doesn’t then she, HH, will go quietly to the pastor.” Otherwise it’s badmouthing.
The same goes for REV. Edington’s advice, --to badmouth Millie by going behind her back to the head of the church rather than confronting Millie and her husband first. A person of integrity goes to the source of the problem; in this case HH should talk to Millie and ask if she has told her husband, the new associate pastor, all that she, HH, wants him to know, all that she believes Millie has hidden from her husband. She could then ask the new associate pastor to inform the senior pastor about everything and that she, HH, would like the senior pastor to inform the head of their church. There is wisdom in having as many people as possible know about Millie’s previous addictions, so that everyone can support her on her new path. For more on how to responsibly handle perpetrations observed, known, or hidden from other’s, read about the military code of honor.
REV. Edington also reveals a bias based on a misunderstanding about responsibility, as to who causes a divorce. He writes, “If it is true that the new associate pastor’s wife broke up the writer's marriage….” What’s true is that the writer, HH, masterminded her own divorce. However unconscious she may have been it was her leadership-communication skills that created space for her husband to wander. That she could not experience her husband’s deceptions, withholds, and lies, during his affair with Millie, indicates that her integrity was so out that she could not see for the mote in her own eye. To this day she evidences the same blaming behaviors that serve as a barrier to the experience of communication which virtually drives anyone out of her life.
Great letter. —Gabby