#88 Single women wonder if they’ll find love / Genius working on self—sorting out priorities
DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?
I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.
Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT
DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing-being in the right place at the right time.
Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.
There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed—and none of those traits is attractive to either sex. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Faith: Your signature, "LOSING . . . " is an affirmation for more of the same results. It indicates that you are not in present-time; it's an "I am" statement as opposed to, I was and am not now nor do I plan to . . . I.e. I am a loser vs. I was a loser.
Your use of the word "faith" indicates that you are at effect in your relationships. An actualized woman creates her own reality and communicates from that point of view. You communicate from blame and victim. You assign results you have produced with your leadership-communication skills to outside causes—consequently no actualized man would hang around you for long. If you could see you and your friends from across the room, bemoaning and complaining, you'd see in a nano-second why none of you are attracting that which you say you want. None of the reasons you state have anything to do with the truth as to your marital status.
Your letter is rhetorical. "We'd all like to find . . .," "But if we have to curtail . . .," "how can a person . . .?" Instead of, "I would like to . . ." "If I have to . . ." "how can I . . .?" I don't get that you are ready for your Mr. Right. Generalizing and lumping all women (or you and your friends) into a "status" reveals that you have yet to complete your experience of bemoaning, blaming, and complaining. Have you considered that your "friends" have been reinforcing your leadership-communication skills, your whole ground of being, the one that does not attract a wonderful man. One way to tell if the communication model used within a support group works is to look and see if everyone is manifesting his/her desired outcomes. Given that you are the ringleader of the group have you noticed the effect you're having on the others?
A problem persists because there is a lie somewhere. Either you are lying, saying you want a partner or the truth is you don't; you have not not intended a partner. The results your leadership-communication skills have produced clearly indicate that up until this letter you have only wanted a partner. A want is a thought being considered as an intention. A valid test of one's intentions are the results. You have yet to formulate an intention to have Mr. Wonderful. BTW: Preparing for Your Ideal Partner is quite the curriculum, it includes all sorts of awesome subjects such as intention, acknowledging, and support. It's about communication mastery. I suggest that you look at the possibility that there is an unconscious genius at work here. The fact that you have yet to materialize your ideal partner suggests that at some level you’ve known that you're not quite ready. Many women have arrived at—that now is not the time to be adding to the world's population, especially because they intuitively know that their leadership-communication skills are no better than their parents—most of whom have raised self-righteous blaming complainers who settle for less than wage parity. Notice how the media supports blaming with the "Me too" movement. (read Me2/I...)
One way to create something is to complete something a.k.a. (creating space to manifest a stated intention). It's much like what happens when you clean out your closet, donating all your old stuff to Goodwill. Within months the closet is full once again only with clothes that more nearly reflect the you of today. The same can be done through completing relationships, specifically ones that have been/are less than mutually satisfying.
Your letter suggests that you don't have a mutually satisfying supportive relationship with your parents. My sense is that you also have one or more former boyfriends who are still healing from your communications. In other words, you have several incomplete relationships. One can't create a new relationship if they are dragging around incompletes (remnants) from previous relationships. Most people don't know how to complete a relationship so they dump their old ones and start a new one. The new one ends up being pretty much like all the others. In fact most people use the same communication model that doesn't work with their parents and their old lovers with their new relationship, the very model (a way of being, thinking, and relating) that most likely resulted in a less-than-mutually-satisfying supportive separation.
I recommend that you do The Clearing Process. You'll notice a remarkable difference in your clarity. That is to say, you are carrying around thousands of unacknowledged perpetrations, a lifetime of accumulated withholds, badmouthings, abuses, etc.. What happens for everyone who does the clearing process is they empty their mind on the first day thinking they got most of it. On day-two they notice that the previous layer of thoughts was hiding dozens more that the mind had conveniently "forgotten." This continues each day until you get to the biggies and the firsts—the very first lie, first theft, first badmouthing, shunning, and deceit—these are the incompletes that serve as barriers to manifesting your stated intentions. Reading About Lies and Lying and Reunion Conversations will help trigger memories of incompletes.
I suspect that the man you say you want would not be able to survive in your business and social world. He wouldn’t be able to listen to your problems and witness what passes for ethical and responsible business practices without compromising his integrity. Rather than try to change you he would simply leave, silently. He’s out here and so quiet and plain clothed that you would most likely pass him by. He will require you to initiate the relationship.
If you're ready for the truth do The Clearing Process* and then call the last few dates—begin with, "I'm working on myself. I'd like you to be completely honest with me. "How would you describe me to a friend thinking of asking me for a date?" Or, "What would you change about me?"
* The clearings will create space for genuine communication to take place, your very ground of being will be somewhat different—definitely less self-righteous blaming
With aloha, Gabby
Last edited 6/21/20