#85 My son is ignoring me

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Gabby
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#85 My son is ignoring me

Post by Gabby » Wed Oct 19, 2005 1:25 pm

#85 My son is ignoring me / How do I get into communication with my son?

Dear Annie: We have a 52-year-old married son. He and his wife didn't acknowledge our 55th wedding anniversary. When I asked him why, he said, “What's the big deal?" I know if it were his wife's parents, it would have been a big deal.

We live in the same town, and through the years, they only call if they want something. They have never once asked us how we are or if we need anything. My daughter-in-law's parents always come first. They go to her folks' for every occasion. I gave up on holiday meals long ago.

This bothers us to no end. I’ve talked to my doctor because my blood pressure has been very high lately. We also spoke to our pastor. Both said we should write a letter expressing our feelings. Is this the right thing to do? —No Respect

Dear No Respect: If you can write the letter without complaining or making accusations, it can be a good way to re-establish communication.

The letter should state that you love your son and his family, and you miss them. If you want to add general family news, by all means include it, but don’t turn it in to a diatribe about how unfair or neglectful they are. Keep it simple and see how it goes. —Annie


Gabby's Reply:

Hi No Respect: Such a great letter, so many parents have created similar situations. I’m so pleased you wrote.

What you’re looking at is part of the parenting Masters curriculum. It begins with a willingness to acknowledge that your communication-leadership model, how you’ve been communicating with your son, has trained him to withhold acknowledging verbally certain extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing thoughts. He's stuffed so many thoughts with you that they are now in the way of him acknowledging the things for which you'd like to be acknowledged. You have yet to learn how to be a safe space for the truth to be told, consequently he has had no choice but to dramatize his disrespect of you nonverbally. You are stuck doing your imitation of communication with him; you’re not getting his communications so he has to keep repeating himself.

That is to say, he is acknowledging you, he’s just doing it irresponsibly and nonverbally. He’s communicating so many things to you that it’s virtually impossible to identify any single incomplete, any single childhood issue having to do with an upset and thoughts of disrespect (we’re talking hundreds of withholds between the two of you). Guess who taught him to communicate this way? And no, it ain’t “we.” In this matter you are the leader.

You could begin by asking yourself, “What did I do to drive my son out of my life?” but I don’t think your mind will allow you to get to the truth. There’s too much blame going on. Any letter expressing your feelings, using your present communication model, would only produce more of the same. The best way to get to the truth of your cause in this matter is for you (alone) to enroll in a minimum of 25 sessions of counseling, keeping to the front of your mind at each session—What must I have done? What is the genius in me up to that I would intend (albeit it unconsciously) this condition? What have I been up to? Who in my life would say that I am treating them the same way my son treats me? And the biggie—who else am I blaming for the results I produce with my leadership-communication skills?—all the while focusing on completing your relationship with your parents.

I’d advise a letter to your son (see sample below). Your daughter-in-law is an entirely different subject matter, an even more advanced course in communication. Once you’ve begun the mutually satisfying communication curriculum your son will begin to emulate you. Your skills will eventually get passed on to his wife by his example. Please do not misunderstand me. I don’t recommend that you try to change your son. He has had no choice but to behave this way; he is merely mirroring you. The minute you open your mouth it triggers a Pavlovian-like response. Once you shift your ground of being he’ll have nothing to resist.

To have the kind of relationship you'd like with your son you’ll have to be willing to let go of him and start all over again. It could be said that you’re back a few moments before his conception; this time, now that you’re conscious, you’ll choose to not have him, knowing full well that you’re not ready to raise a child who honors and respects his parents. Now is the time to study and get ready for parenthood.
Keep in mind his treatment of you (the karma of his behavior) is having undesirable consequences for him and his relationships.* He’s stuck treating others the same. He’s waiting for you to learn so that you can teach him how to acknowledge others in a way that feels good. Not to worry, teachers have yet to learn and therefore can't teach the subject of acknowledgment. Their students (the voting public) acknowledging dissatisfactions with their educations by keeping teachers pathetically begging for pay raises and school supplies. Nary a teamster, many former “C” students, drawing thrice the wages of their mentors (teachers), think to campaign in support of wage parity for teachers (as an acknowledgment).

Your letter should communicate: Dear son, I’ve decided to take a recess from our relationship. Something about the way I have been communicating and relating with you hasn’t been working for me. I find myself blaming you—a definite no no in the parenting game. Please honor my wishes to not call, write, leave messages, or send gifts, until you hear from me again. I’m immersing myself in counseling to get to the source of what’s going on for me. I’ll contact you again in about six months to let you know if I am clear enough to once again engage in conversations with you and your wife. If you’d like I’ll pay for any counseling sessions you might want. Just send me the invoice, no other content in the envelope. Nothing you could say or write at this time would feel good to me. Once again, please respect my wishes.

Part of what your letter will teach him is to not engage in repeated conversations with anyone addicted to abuse. He is oblivious to the fact that he is addicted and that he is abusing you. Conversely, you are addicted to creating abuse, a drama victim. I assure you the same stuff is going on in his marriage. Without your support it will be difficult for him to be whole and complete. Notice that he does understand that one way to maintain a semblance of completeness is to interact with you as little as possible.

You letter presents you with the opportunity to reap the benefits that come from a life of service, of motherhood, all that you know to be possible and that you deserve. —With aloha, Gabby

* If you and your husband are say alcoholics or into something illegal, or are committed to racism or drugs, or even condescendingly religious, then your son is acting consistent with his integrity by choosing to not interact with you. It would be suicidal of him to choose to interact with you knowing that it would bring him down. It would be unethical and hypocritical of him to hang around you (judging you nonverbally) if he can't support your beliefs or the way you behave without your specific request (permission) to support you in changing. However, he has estranged himself abusively which is out-integrity for him; it has undesirable consequences for him and those with whom he relates. There is a way to estrange oneself from another responsibly, Ask Gabby how.

PS. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that most parents appear to be intent on going to their grave without having acknowledged/completed their addiction to abuse, blame, and make-wrong. Typically the mind will kill itself (always in a socially/medically acceptable manner) hoping to make one or more feel guilty.

PPS. You knew there was a possibility he wouldn't acknowledge you for your anniversary (based upon past behaviors) and you knew it was important to you that he do so. You set him up to hurt your feelings by not communicating your expectations rather than support him by mentioning it a few weeks in advance. Your behavior is what's called a set up. It's abusive. He is stuck at some incident with you in childhood and you are pretending he's a grown mature adult. It is irresponsible to expect a child to remember events. A clue: Clean up your relationship with your parents.

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