#82 Should I tell stepfather that mom's cheating with dad?/ Give mom a chance to tell dad first?
Dear Annie: I am a 20-year-old female with a serious dilemma. Three years ago, my parents divorced because my mom cheated on my father. I knew for two years that Mom was cheating, and I never said a word to anyone until she came out and confessed. Then she asked why I didn't speak up sooner.
After the divorce, Mom sank into a deep depression, and all the mutual friends my parents had together abandoned her. During this time, I acted as a true friend to her. Then she met "Frank." She developed this better-than-everyone attitude and left me out in the dust.
Mom married Frank last week, and she already is cheating on him, with my dad. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I feel I should tell Frank what's going on. What do you think? —Abandoned Daughter in Massachusetts
Dear Abandoned: We think you are holding a justifiable grudge against your mother, but even though her record is hardly pristine, it won't help to rat her out. Mom's behavior is messy and erratic, and it sounds as if she could use some counseling. The more involved you are in her love life, the worse it will be for you. Do yourself a favor and stay out of it.
Gabby's reply:
Hi Abandoned: A big congrats to you. It’s nice to know that your integrity is such that this bothers you enough to write. Most unconsciously intend it by silence such as you originally did with your father. As you discovered silence condones; silence is an extremely powerful and effective communication used by those pretending to not be leaders who are in fact leaders stuck in make-wrong and covert sabotage.
It will work for you to acknowledge the lie you and others have been living. Even unconscious lies have an effect. I refer to, “my parents divorced because my mom cheated on my father.” The truth is your parents divorced; and, there are many reasons, one of which was the cheating. I don’t get that either of them is clear as to the truth as to why they divorced. Reasons serve as barriers to the truth. In any case, the way you and others are telling the story makes your mom out to be the villain. If we were to ask your dad what he did to cause her to cheat, with the intention to get to the truth, he would tell you exactly what he did and did not do. Suffice it to say, he was doing his imitation of communication with her which always drives others away.
What we do know for sure us that his own integrity was out prior to her cheating. He was withholding thoughts from her and he had hundreds of unacknowledged perpetrations which were serving as barriers to being with her. When a person is whole and complete (in–integrity) they can immediately tell when another is withholding a thought, such as this one she might have been hiding, “I saw this good-looking guy today and found myself wondering what it would be like to have sex with him.” In relationships in which there is an agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero withholds, such thoughts shared nip cheating in the bud. Put another way, he was not a safe space for your Mom to tell the truth.
Next we address: “Then she asked why I didn't speak up sooner.” This is an irresponsible dump. It makes you wrong and implies blame for not stopping her. It is an abusive communication. It didn’t feel good to hear. What she could have said is, “I get I was not a safe space for you to tell me that you knew.” That you let her dump blame in your space indicates that you are addicted to abuse, so much so that you are unaware of your boundaries and don’t know enough to stop it mid-sentence, and, most importantly, to insist that the other immediately acknowledge the abuse before continuing the conversation.
Re: “but I feel I should tell Frank what's going on.” It works to make a distinction between feelings and thoughts. “I feel badly about the cheating and I have the thought that I should….” For you have this thought means you are programmed to get others in trouble, to look good while making others look bad. The West Point Code of Honor is to confront the perpetrator and ask if they are willing to tell whomever…. If they say no then you must tell them that they leave you no choice but to report them. In this way you become responsible for the integrity of those with whom you relate, your friends and family. As you can tell from the string of military academy scandals this is not an easy code to live by.
Your Mom has set you up to support her in getting to the source of her addiction to cheating. I suspect at some level (however unconscious she may appear to be) she is supporting you in acknowledging and completing your own identical addiction. Therefore, compassion is what’s called for.
Your Dad has set you up to support him in acknowledging to everyone that he maliciously turned everyone against your Mom, playing the noble role of victim, when what’s true, from his perspective, he had unconsciously set it up for her to cheat on him. For certain you, your Mom and Dad, and Frank, have hundreds (yes hundreds), of other unacknowledged perpetrations.
My advice is to move away and let them all know that you’ll not be interacting with any of them until they all have completed 25 hours of therapy/counseling. If you don’t take this advice immediately then you also need an equal amount of therapy. To continue interacting with any of them without insisting upon the therapy ultimatum is to intend more abuse in your life; you’ll never be able to say no one told you that you were/are the cause. With aloha, Gabby