#17 I'm not happy with my nice husband

Post a comment or ask a question about any of the new letters being considered as replacements for the less often viewed 50 Original Letters. See index of new letters
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

#17 I'm not happy with my nice husband

Postby Gabby » Tue Jul 26, 2005 10:17 am

#17 I'm not happy with my nice husband / I think my husband is the source of my dissatisfaction

Dear Prudence: I have been married for six years. I have a nice man for a husband and a wonderful child. But of course, I am not satisfied with my life. I say this because I married my husband when I was barely 19 after dating him for only a couple of months.

I had doubts about the marriage before we were married, but I’m a people-pleaser and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feeling. However, after six years of being a "pleaser" to my spouse, I have drastically changed. I am no longer an immature 19-year-old who needs a man to care for her. I am going back to school to get my degree so I never have to depend upon anyone to take care of me or my child. I am very independent and starting to feel so smothered at home that I feel as though I am going crazy.

The more I pull away, the more he clings to me. I am no longer sexually attracted to him, and when he touches me I cringe. I do everything I can to avoid kissing him. He’s a very good-looking man, but I feel a brotherly kind of love for him. I suppose I should try counseling, but how can someone teach me to be attracted to him again?

I am very sad and confused about what to do, — Little Lost Sheep

Dear Lit: How very sad for you. You need to take action so you don’t spend another six years feeling miserable but afraid to wound your husband.

Counseling would be a useful opening salvo in straightening out your life. And, there’s a chance that your husband could change a few behaviors, allowing you to arrive at a workable modus operandi.

There is, too, the chance that therapy will allow you to leave the marriage without a ton of guilt, if that’s your decision. — Prudie explorationally

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Lit: There are quite a few lies we need to address.

You write that you are not satisfied "because I married my husband when I was barely 19 after dating him for only a couple of months." If you keep repeating that reason, as though it were the source of your dissatisfaction, you’ll keep producing more dissatisfaction. Even unconscious lies have consequences.

You write that you are "a people-pleaser" and that you "...don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings." Nothing could be further from the truth. If we were in communication with your husband we’d discover that he’s continually hurt by your withdrawals and aversion to affection and sex. Perhaps you think occasional, albeit wifely, duties, pleases him. It pleases him not. At some level he knows what it would be like to be loved and appreciated. He is no doubt unconscious of his constant pain.

You write, "I am no longer an immature 19-year-old…." Not 19, correct. "Immature" incorrect. It’s all relative.

You write, "...so I never have to depend upon anyone to take care of me." Here’s where your immaturity reveals itself. No woman is an island. You are presently ripe for a debilitating disease that requires a doctor, perhaps even a male doctor, to treat you for life. That, or start now asking bag-ladies what to look for in shopping carts.:lol: You ignore the unfair reality that most universities and businesses are male dominated.

You write, "...or my child." It’s too late. You have already, unconsciously, programmed her to attract a partner such as you did, and to put up with dissatisfactions, and to lie about the cause of her problems. She’ll either begin straightway to be a "pleaser" or she’ll resist being like you; either way, with your present mind-set and support it will take a lot for her to know who she is. If you'd like to enlighten her I recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. She will become enlightened though your realizations, it's a psychically transmitted, osmosis thing, not through your words.

You write, "I am very independent." While you sincerely believe this, the truth is you are entirely dependent, upon him, or another like him, to blame. You are addicted to blaming. You honestly believe that he and your marital circumstance is the source of your dissatisfaction; that somehow if you could only change the circumstances you would suddenly be happy. Not so. Perhaps for a few hours, days, or even weeks, you might experience exhilarating freedom, however, I assure you, you’d then have to confront that "it" followed you. An "independent" woman would have left him long ago without any letters to me. Such a person does not attract smotherers. You have unconsciously, though your leadership-communication skills, trained him to smother you, and, you blame him for doing so. That’s not only powerful, it’s abusive.

You ask, "how can someone teach me to be attracted to him again?" You have a misunderstanding of the effects of communication (what you have been doing is called talking. which produces the results you have). A counselor/communicologist does not teach you anything. What happens is they are the space in which you empty your mind of all your considerations, which when gotten (recreated, therefore disappeared), reveals the truth, specifically just how you caused your own problem. More excitingly in the space of being gotten you’ll then act consistent with what you say you want in life. Communication always results in the experience of love—and, it's not the attachment kind of love that requires one to stay married.

Re: "Sad and confused." This I get. That's a great place to be in. In the enlightenment game it’s called not-knowing. The problem is that usually when people get here they make a decision that doesn’t work. So then they have to set up life all over again to get back to the same place so that they can then choose to be sad and confused, which when intended supports you in doing what works. It might sound weird, but to choose sadness and confusion it works to walk around acting (I mean really dramatizing) like a sad and confused person. Almost immediately you will find yourself laughing.

My sense is that your addiction to pleasing manifests itself in withholds and deceits. Your story reveals that you have not been telling him the truth with the intent to get the truth of your dissatisfaction. The truth told, "I cringe at the thought of touching you." when communicated from blame causes upset and more cringing. The truth, "I experience revulsion when I even think about kissing you" when communicated as your problem, and as a consideration, opens up the space to discover what other thoughts you have not been sharing with him. You are right to fear telling him the truth. You intuitively know that sharing all your thoughts with him will create the experience of love. This is what happens when communication takes place. However, just because you experience the experience of love with someone doesn’t mean you have to stay married. It would work to practice telling him everything, and in so doing prevent it from happening again in life. With aloha, Gabby

Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2011 2:46 pm

Re: #17 I'm not happy with my nice husband

Postby Selfishandyoung » Sat Aug 06, 2011 3:04 pm

I to and having this same issue. My husband and I have only been married for a year, and been together only two. We are both in the military and the first year we were together he was gone six months of our relationship in which I was pregnant with our first child. I got pregnant with our son in the first month we were together. But I did love him, so while everyone was breathing down our necks to get married I wanted to. I knew I would never find any other person I'd rather be with.
Here lies the issue. There is no one I want to be with. I find myself wanting to be by myself. I know that it's me being selfish. But I'm not happy. I feel like I'm suffocating at only 20 years old. And I know I can't possibly be making him happy either. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. I don't ever want to be intimate. I feel like when we first got together I conformed to what I thought he wanted because I loved him so much. But in all actuality I was denying myself of my own hopes and dreams to which he doesn't support. I feel like he can't possibly be in love with me because I don't even know myself yet so he can't know mr either. I haven't gotten to learn the ways of life and find out who I am before I was tied down to something I wasn't ready for. Once again I know that I'm selfish in wanting these things. But I have spoken to him about all of them. And him being the amazing person that he is calmly listened even though I was breaking his heart and said he can't blame mr. Becuaee I am youngand he got to live life. The weight that I feel for wanting these things is almost unbearable. I don't know if it's a phase because we are out of the honeymoon stage. Or if I truly am unhappy and not ready. I just want to be happy. But feeling selfish is the only thing I can feel.
I need help..

Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #17 I'm not happy with my nice husband

Postby Gabby » Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:13 am

Hi Selfishandyoung:

The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s not only alright to be selfish, it’s absolutely necessary at times, however, having persistent thoughts about selfishness, or not being attracted, etc. simply reveal that you haven’t got to the truth. There's several lies in the space. When you tell the truth the problem will disappear. It’s that simple. In other words, the reasons you’ve been giving are just that, reasons. Reasons are what the mind manufactures as a smoke-screen so as to not deal with the truth. Reasons serve as barriers to the truth.

Re: “I just want to be happy.” Want, yes. Intend, no. Try this on for size; “I’ve been lying to myself and others saying I want to be happy whereas the truth is I’ve been using my leadership-communication skills to intend to be unhappy (for some unknown brilliant reason) and to keep another less-than-satisfied. There's another lie but you can't see it even if I mention it. You do love him, it's just that there are so many thoughts clouding the space between you that you can't experience it. Even unconscious lies have an undesirable effect.

You say you’ve "spoken" everything to him. This I get. What this reveals is that what you’ve been calling communication, ain’t it. Again, when the truth is told the problem disappears. Speaking and communicating produce different results.

We’ve got another problem. How you’ve being seeing your husband isn’t accurate. He’s been doing his “loving-beneficent-condescending, getting-it act” which leaves you incomplete and feeling less-than. Love doesn't have that effect. His behavior is called controlling. Picture your experience if God suddenly appeared in your kitchen and she said. "Hi, I just dropped by to let you know you're doing a terrific job. The enlightenment curriculum you're working on is absolutely perfect. I love you. Gotta run. Bye." and disappeared. Wow! Now that's a clean expression of love and you'd be impacted for life. Again, when all considerations have been shared what’s left is an experience of love. I assure you he is withholding as many thoughts from you as you have been from him. If you don’t think you’re withholding thoughts from him do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row; I'm betting you’ll discover what you’ve been hiding from him and yourself.

You have a misunderstanding of love. I can experience loving you even though I don’t know you. I’m concerned that his expressions of love don’t feel good to you. That’s because you’re both using the concept of love as sparring weapons. I.e. You: “I don’t love you. “Him: “I’m better than you because I love you.” This isn't love. Love knows when there’s a communication breakdown in the space, a barrier to the experience of love; therefore it’s inappropriate, and of course ineffective, for him to dump another subject, his, “I love you.” in a space already occupied with incompletes (thoughts) he can’t get so you’re left with them.

Now we ask what you’ve been up to aside from unconsciously masterminding a divorce. It's to get acknowledged for something. The problem is you've been dramatizing your intentions instead of communicating them. When you tell the truth your communications will be consistent with your stated intention. There’s a perpetration hiding there somewhere.

Prediction: If you leave him without learning how to recreate the experience of love you still won’t know how to do so when your next relationship gets to this place. BTW: He’s not the first person you’ve manipulated by shutting down; that relationship and the relationship with your parents are the ones you should start working on first. The "love" that you experienced when you first was accidental. Why? Because you can't recreate it at will. Love is a function of communication.

Just because you clean up your relationship with him to where you experience love doesn’t mean you have to stay married.

With aloha,


Return to “Read/comment on the New Dear Gabby Letters”