#80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

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Gabby
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#80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby Gabby » Mon Jul 25, 2005 2:38 pm

#80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law / How do I repair the damage I’ve done?

Dear Annie: Yesterday I received a phone call from my daughter-in-law. She stated that she would appreciate it if I didn’t call her anymore until I was ready to admit that I was telling lies about her and that I would stop.

Annie, I haven't been saying anything about her, and I refuse to admit to something when I am innocent. We live in a small town, and I suggested that we go to whoever is telling her this piece of baloney and confront them. What should I do? Shunned Mother-in-Law

Dear Shunned: Talk to your son, and explain the problem. Ask him to talk to his wife and get her to consider the possibility that one of her "friends" is trying to poison the well. Meanwhile, call your daughter-in-law and say you are sorry - not for doing anything wrong, but because she obviously was hurt by this malicious person, and a good relationship with her is important to you. —Annie

Hi Shunned: Let's assume that she is wrong or very damaged, at best ill informed. This means your son is equally damaged because he can’t see it and therefore is consciously or unconsciously supporting her abuse of you.

It will be of more value to you if we address the fact that it’s you who's creating this drama. Of all the problems and issues in the world that could use your support you are stuck handling crapolla like this? As damaged as they both are they are mirroring you.

We'll begin by acknowledging that your leadership communication-skills trained him to select her. Now he’s using what you taught him to support her of treatment of you. This is his covert and irresponsible way of delivering a communication to you, through her.

I’m concerned that you don’t mention having discussed this with your son. It’s hard to imagine that he’s not aware of her decision and therefore what it’s based upon. If he is aware then he has looked into it and satisfied himself such that he supports her decision; she has agreement. Perhaps he has withholds and resentments about your addiction to blaming—your [I’m innocent, she’s wrong, I didn’t do anything, it’s her fault].

I’m always suspect when one party in a squabble feigns innocence. The source of her upset is not about what she heard from another; it’s unlikely that she would trash a loving supportive relationship based upon a single incident, from hearsay no less. This smacks of "The straw that broke . . ." Go back in time and recall the incident in which you started the fight. With a communication-skills coach's support you could locate the exact abusive conversation of yours that upset her, from which she has yet to recover—the one you have yet to acknowledge to yourself or her as being abusive. As you’ve noticed, your mind probably won’t allow you to locate the first incident by yourself because it (your mind) protects your point of view about how nice you are. Aren’t we all?

It appears that you are not allowing the remote possibility that you have non-verbally communicated a negative judgment, opinion, or consideration about her to another. You come across as an arrogant argumentative victim. You hang on the word “saying” yet you and I know that silence or a glance at the right moment communicates volumes. Being in a circle of gossipers and not speaking up is tantamount to agreement and condones malicious gossiping. An unconscious communication has as much an effect as a conscious one. Just because you are unaware of having gossiped doesn't mean you didn't. Who else in your life would say you're a badmouther?

To clean up this relationship you will have to be willing to set aside your beliefs and go back in time and see what you did to cause her to want to shun you. You’ve got to have said or done something that forces her to insist upon boundaries so that she doesn’t engage in any more abusive conversations with you.

I support you in honoring her request. No means no. Two options: Engage the services of a communication-skills coach, therapist, or counselor; ask for support in locating the first incident with her, better yet the very first person in your life who didn’t want to play with you anymore. Then schedule a face-to-face private lunch with your son. In this order, else you will bring the same communication model that created this result to the lunch and create even more problems.

Millions will see themselves as one or more characters in your drama. Few are as conscious as your daughter-in-law, to both shun you and to let you know what will satisfy her so as to risk interacting with you again—most either dump the person for life or put up with the abuse. Fewer still are as conscious as you to have set up life to complete this pattern, reaching out as you have. You’ve done well with your son who chose her. There are several geniuses at work here. With aloha, Gabby

FYI: Throughout life I've had several "friends" relate to me untrue gossip they've heard about me. I've learned to ask, "Who told you that?" Most always a person addicted to eliciting gossip, a trouble-making relayer, replies, "I can't say." "Well get back to me when you can." And that's it for me with them. I expect a lot from my friends. In other words, the friend set me up to support them in not eliciting gossip. They dumped crapolla in my space. The friend should have said to the gossiper, "Will you tell Gabby what you are saying? If you don't you leave me no choice other than to tell Gabby that you are spreading this unsubstanciated rumor." Relayers are stuck in the dividing component of the adversarial communication model. It's best to facilitate them in bottoming out. Once they have destroyed all their relationships, including their's with me, they can start all over again with a new set of ethics. The friends I have now don't attract gossipers.

Last edited 3/16/17

RefuseMILabuse

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby RefuseMILabuse » Mon Sep 19, 2011 7:57 pm

OMG... Gabby cannot or will not call the MIL on her BS?

Sure, MIL never does anything wrong. Ever against a daughter in law. She is perfect, loving, supportive.

I'm sure Gabby is stunned by the sudden unexplained 1 time situation of 'gossip' as such a severe reaction to finally decide her 'last straw' is to cut ties with the MIL.

WAKE UP! This woman is screaming out in pain.. the daughter in law that is. There had to have been many many many times this occurred for the DIL to finally draw the line in the sand. The MIL tactic is 'woe is me' I am perfect and I LOVE my DIL and would NEVER do such a thing.

BS!!

I've spent 20 years learning ABUSE from the most psychotic MIL in the world. NO WAY any daughter in law would 'over react' if this was a first time situation. Especially in a small town. The gossip has been taking place for a long time.

For Gabby to SIDE and reassure the MIL she's done nothing wrong and to receive this type of reply that the DIL is the crazy one or the one over reacting without ever considering GABBY is being used by the MIL to 'remain' right and perfect?

This BS needs to end. WHEN MIL's GET that the DILS' are the ONLY priority in the husbands world because he put that ring on HER finger, not his own mama's... and that the mama needs to stop with the abuse, gossip BS crap... then spin it to be that she's only trying to help, she's tried so hard to be loving... BS.

No way do I buy this comes as a surprise. THE MIL jig is UP. You've been caught. Your game is over.

In my life, after having a malicious destructive sick abusive MIL that waged all out war on me for 18 years... that HER OWN NEEDS AND DEMANDS superceded my children and my own.. that my husband was to continue his JOB to cater to her every whim and want??? That she could attack, gossip and be hate-filled and then to my face play nice and innocent?

Well we do not see our MIL ever. ever again. Her last game was faking cancer. Who the freak fakes cancer, puts her own grandchildren through hell all to CONTROL and manipulate the son???

MIL's are the PROBLEM. the solution is with the son who puts his foot down and refuses any more BS to take place at all in any manner.

Even I could see through the 'drama' of the MIL NEEDING a stranger like GABBY to take her side on things... gathering up people to PROVE she's perfect and never does a damn thing wrong?

Gabby wake up!! YOU should be forcing this MIL to look in the mirror and think maybe the DIL had her 'final' straw after years of torment.

I have to say, not one piece of me gives a crap about never seeing my abusive sick manipulative MIL ever again. I am so very glad she is gone from our lives. 20 years of marriage and I finally have had 2 years of utter peace. We live 30 hour drive away... changed our phone number and bought a new home where NO ONE has our address. The serenity is amazing. My marriage is finally healing and for the first time, I can feel joy and peace and happiness... without any outside BS to interfere and harm my kids or my marriage.

MIL's need to GET they need to stop this BS. Their son has a NEW family with his wife. DO NOT MAKE HIM CHOOSE or you will be on the losing end .... that is IF he's a very good man who honors the bible and his marriage beyond all else :)

Gabby
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Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby Gabby » Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:54 pm

Hi RefuseMILabuse,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Let me know if you'd like some feedback, however, know that my feedback will be upsetting to read. It will trigger upset, anger, and rage and thoughts of blame. Not to worry, you can dismiss the parts you disagree with if need be; if it contains any truths you'll start producing more desirable results immediately.

If you'd like feedback it would help if I knew that you knew that you're addicted to blaming and, to abusing and being abused.

For feedback to be of value you'll also have to be willing to acknowledge that your leadership-communication skills produced the results you have with your MIL.

What would be ideal (ensuring a greater chance of communication taking place between us) is if you did The Clearing Process first before replying. It's free. Do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row. Otherwise, your reply will most likely be a knee-jerk litany of stuff you've said before, all of which causes you to have to keep thinking the same thoughts and repeating the same blaming lies as to who caused the breakdown in communication between you and your MIL.

My point being, you must request the feedback for it to be of value. For example: Gabby, I messed up my relationship with my MIL, how do I stop blaming her?

Gabby

RefuseMILabuse

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby RefuseMILabuse » Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:34 pm

Gabby wrote:Hi RefuseMILabuse,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Let me know if you'd like some feedback, however, know that my feedback will be upsetting to read. It will trigger upset, anger, and rage and thoughts of blame. Not to worry, you can dismiss the parts you disagree with if need be; if it contains any truths you'll start producing more desirable results immediately.

If you'd like feedback it would help if I knew that you knew that you're addicted to blaming and, to abusing and being abused.

For feedback to be of value you'll also have to be willing to acknowledge that your leadership-communication skills produced the results you have with your MIL.

What would be ideal (ensuring a greater chance of communication taking place between us) is if you did The Clearing Process first before replying. It's free. Do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row. Otherwise, your reply will most likely be a knee-jerk litany of stuff you've said before, all of which causes you to have to keep thinking the same thoughts and repeating the same blaming lies as to who caused the breakdown in communication between you and your MIL.

My point being, you must request the feedback for it to be of value. For example: Gabby, I messed up my relationship with my MIL, how do I stop blaming her?

Gabby



I see. Ok I am going through tremedous amount of therapy on an ongoing basis and absolutely need to make changes within myself. I did not lie to you about anything. I did not mess up the relationship with my MIL. The tone was set from day one and I was young and unaware that dysfunctional toxic people existed where they could take severe control without the person (me) even realizing what is happening until it was too late.

Am I to blame for this?

My MIL throwing fits with every change to my wedding date and I kept changing 8 times to make her wishes work? and Ignore mine completely.? (In pro-active therapy, I've realized the blame is 'allowing' the MIL any control over what was supposed to be my husband and my day, not hers)

Am I to blame when she came into my hospital room screaming at the top of her lungs WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BABY? when I gave birth 20 hours earlier and our daughter was diagnosed with a Trisomy syndrome that would cause her to die?
(The blame here is that while I was incapable of doing it myself, someone around me needed to escort her out of the room and hold her accountable for how incredibly damaging her words can be to a young mother who's told her child will die).

Am I to blame when my mother got brain cancer and my MIL called me up screaming that the timing was convenient and I fabricated it in order to STOP her son from attending Christmas with her for the very first time in his life? (I've always wondered what she thought after my mother died from her cancer)? (I am to blame for allowing her to continue the abusiveness to me and I tolerated and swallowed it because there were more important things (my mom) at the time than some mentally disturbed MIL)

I have about 200 circumstances that I have journaled and many more that I did not.

My MIL had her children removed from her because of severe neglect to the point of starvation so much that my husband and his siblings lived for years 1 block away from their mother in the town's orphanage and their mother would not even acknowledge their existence when they'd see her around town.

In my therapy, I have and been learning to take back my self esteem and my power and my ability to deal with the situation in the healthiest way imaginable. Am I to blame? YES... I didn't take care of myself at all. I point that blame to me. Beyond that, I will never be to blame for the violence and abuse inflicted on us. It belongs with her and her alone. Maybe the addictions is with the 'victim' part. I spent a great deal of time 'being her victim' instead of caring for myself.

WIthout tools and understanding and education, we are creatures of how we grew up and do not know better. When i know and learn, I do different. My writing and emotional style may be far from what you need from me but it is what I'm capable of while I go through your tutorials as well.

All I ever did was be nice, bite my tongue cry to my husband and turn the other cheek. Peace peace peace. Respect respect respect. Let it be. Leave her alone. Don't cause 'ruffles' or the punishment from her will be far worse. (and that's the victim in me, I acknowledge that).

Unfortunately realizing that my actions of ignoring her and allowing her to continue to be abusive was the worst thing I could ever do for me, for my marriage and for my children. I have taught them its okay to let others close to them be like this and get away with it and not create any boundaries.

The last straw for my husband cost us and our children all their summer holidays and over $7000 because she lied about having Lung Cancer. Complete fabrication. It is only 1 of many times she's done this to her family. She was so believable, my husband gave up 3 weeks of his holidays, our kids had to cancel their summer activities because we could not afford anything else but to spend time with a woman who claimed to be dying. To go there and have her own brother tell my husband NONE of it was true at all... was the worst thing that could ever have been done to my kids and my husband. (A bit insane considering I was long ago accused of fabricating a story of my mom's cancer... that now she actually fabricates a cancer story for attention or whatever sick thing going on in her).

The knee jerk emotions are REAL emotions based on REAL experience. Not anything else. I hold no responsibility any longer for the damage done. She almost succeeded in destroying our marriage. She even told her son she would be very HAPPY if he got a divorce. What mother could ever be happy their kids would divorce and their grandchilren suffer??

You come across labeling me quickly without understanding the dynamics. I do not feel you know enough about my circumstances to ever make the comment that I somehow caused the destruction of this relationship.

In counseling, my husband would sit and talk about the things his mother did in our lives and how graceful his wife has been all these years and how I would cry myself to sleep in pain in his arms and refusing to ever attack back or hurt her or say anything at all.

Now I'm finding my voice. I'm finding my life. I'm healing and its all a process. The only question to ever be asked is why someone like my MIL and other MIL's are calculated, destructive, harmful, hurtful and WISH an unhappy ending upon their own children so they themselves would be HAPPY at their failures.

What I acknowledge is that I never set boundaries. Never communicate the hurt her actions and words caused me. How deep this pain goes. I can only acknowledge what I am capable of now accomplishing and changing. The only thing I can now change is the level of hurt and anger I have inside of me... for the sake of my children, my husband and myself I need to be real and leave it where it belongs and move on and grow and be better for our future and our childrens' future.

The relationship no longer exists between us and the MIL and can never be repaired. Its not something I wish to fix, nor can I fix at all nor do I desire. Now seeing the amount of pain and harm its caused my family and her unwillingness to get help... rather she'll sit there and call me SATAN in disguise because I finally grew a backbone and refused to stand for anything more.

Even though it wasn't me that cut the ties or said a thing ... it took my husband protecting his family (us and the kids) to wake me up and see how toxic she is.

From there, I've been able to continue therapy learning how to repair the harm done to my children and spouse and yes, me as well. Learn from this and continue on learning in hopes that my husband and I will be very different with our future children-in-law.

I'm very pleased with the level of therapy and the style of therapy I'm receiving. It is pro-active, I have grown so much in such a short amount of time. I am posting in hopes others can learn from me and not make the same mistakes NOR allow any MIL, FIL, SIL ever to bring harm to their own family... because there will be a point in time it will be far too late to turn back.

You may read in between the lines of my story and feel I'm addicted to blame, the only blame I've spent years doing is directly towards myself.

I blamed myself for everything and my health is suffering because of it too. I've never had the guts to hold others accountable for their actions and behaviour and hold them responsible and set out boundaries that are clearly defined and follow through with the boundaries. The blame was all internalized... my MIL had 18 years of peace from me and it only got worse over time because she learned it was ok to be very abusive to me and my children and her son.

If that makes me 'addicted' to blame, then I blame. I do. I blame myself for everything. Something very harmful and terrible to do to one's self. Never being able to realize that we were in the midst of a very toxic abusive person and sometimes the reality is that MIL's can be very harmful.

Its no longer ok. We choose happiness, health, recovery, joy and people who will 'deposit' into our lives in a positive way... no more of the insanity thank you.

We will agree to disagree Gabby.

What I know now... is that I'm excited to continue on the path I'm on with therapy and self-realization and being my authentic self. One of the ways I do this is to continue the open communication with my children, one is an adult. They've always for the most, been able to come to me and talk things out or tell me how they feel, not fearing they will have repercussions for being entitled to their life experiences and emotions. They're feelings are real, even if I cannot make reason of them, does not make them wrong. The happier they are, the more successes they have, the love they feel... is all I want for them.

That is why I do not and cannot comprehend the type of MIL I have been subjected to. None of her many children but my husband are married or stayed married. Their personal lives all invaded by her illness. When one of her children was left by the spouse, the MIL threw a party celebrating and told everyone including us she was HAPPY BECAUSE SHE WAS RIGHT and knew that's how it would end. I'm sure those were one of the nights I couldn't even eat thinking of the pain my SIL was in and her mother only cared that she was proven right.

Maybe you live in a world where there should not be any strong emotion or actually having the 'blame' put on the person who actually caused it. That responsibility and accountability include not allowing someone to abuse you. It concerns me that this process is not unlike asking the abused wife..."what did she do" to deserve the behaviour and actions of her husband that beat her into a coma" (now that's only an example, but I do have a friend permanently disabled because she was beated by her ex spouse). There is nothing she was to blame for. The blame is with the man who put her permanently in a wheelchair. All she can be responsible for from there on is how she lives her life and staying away from someone so extremely harmful to her life.

I hope you can understand there are some MIL's out there that will bring harm and then RUN to others like you to be told they're all good, all perfect and never do a thing wrong. Its how they justify their existence. Making sure they never have to look in the mirror or admit some can be very abusive to those they claim to love. That's never ok. It never will be.

I still stand by my initial post however highly emotionally charged it was. There is a good chance this woman's MIL is a gossip and is hurtful to her DIL.

I cannot work on what you provided because within the instructions I must not be in therapy for about 3 months. For now, I am choosing therapy beucase it is working well.

I will continue to work on the responsibility I have in not being healthy nor strong enough NOR even having the skills to create a safe non-abusive environment for my family and for myself. As for the MIL... she can live with herself and her toxic ways. Our hands are washed of such insanity and chaos.

Sometimes people are so abused they do need to walk away. If someone out there can see this early on and find ways to make sure their MIL never 'gets the upper hand' and cannot intrude into what God sealed to be between a husband and wife.. there is no room for a 3rd party / triangulation scenarios without it severely damaging the marriage. Too many Inlaws have been the cause of the destruction of marriage. Its not okay and people need to speak out about their experiences before its too late.

Take care

I must leave it at that for now because I am going through a different therapy process and the tools provided asked that I come back 3 months after therapy.

I wish you well, I believe we can all learn from one another and that's why I read and occassionaly post to forums when emotions come up.
Thank you for the venue.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby Gabby » Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:41 pm

Hi RefuseMILabuse,

As mentioned, "What would be ideal (ensuring a greater chance of communication taking place between us) is if you did The Clearing Process first before replying."

Please don't post again until you have completed five clearings, one per day for five days in a row. Also, when you do post please assure me that you have read definition of responsibility. Blame has nothing to do with responsibility.

With aloha,

Gabby

RefuseMILabuse

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby RefuseMILabuse » Thu Sep 22, 2011 8:44 am

I know you mentioned that. However the RULES within the clearing process states NOT to do that process until I'm 3 months completed from therapy. I'm still in therapy so I am unable to follow through with that. There must be a reason those rules are set up. It was the same ground rules for the abuse link you provided. Until 3 months take place after I complete therapy, I guess it will be a long time before I return.

My 2 posts are the place I am at in my life. Everyone around me accepts that at this moment, its the best I can do.

I'm sorry you are a person who needs to control others and have them go through this process(no matter the rules of the clearing process 3 months...) before you are willing to offer up an opinion. I find your style highly unusual and someone who feels they are above others looking down upon people in need of help. That must be a hard way to live, on some pedastal.

I won't be returning. Your style is strangely controlling "DO THIS FIRST or I WON"T TALK TO YOU"... and that in of itself is abusive.

Goodbye

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #80 Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law

Postby Gabby » Thu Sep 22, 2011 11:24 am

Hi RefuseMILabuse,

Due to your present inability and resistance to following instructions, "Please don't post again until you have completed five clearings . . .", your registration to use our message boards/forums has been deleted. You may register again in six months.

Note: For those following this thread, RefuseMILabuse is assuming that the requirements for the Spouse Abuse Tutorial apply to The Clearing Process.

The only requirement for The Clearing Process is that one use a valid email address when registering for The Clearing Process Message Board. There are no eligibility requirements for The Clearing Process.

One of the Eligibility Requirements for the Spouse Abuse Tutorial is that one must wait 3 months after their last session with a therapist before registering for the tutorial.

Gabby


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