#79 Wife walked out on him but won't explain / Did I actually drive her out of my life?
Dear Prudence: My wife of five months has left me. One Sunday we were fine, and the next day she was gone. No call, no note, nothing. It has now been about a month, and she still won't talk to me. We never had a fight or an argument, all of our friends are as baffled as I am
Everyone tells me that I was a model husband. This is her second marriage. (Her first ended in divorce.) She is now 23, and I am 30. I wish I knew what went wrong. We dated for almost two years before marriage. Any advice? —Heartbroken in So. CaL
Dear Heart: A 23-year-old who simply leaves husband No. 2 - no explanation offered—just might be what went wrong. It is entirely possible this girl is immature and has turned marriage into just another dating experience. — Prudie, philosophically
Gabby's Reply
Hi Heart: Do you suppose it had anything to do with the fact that you’re addicted to make-wrong and blame? A responsible person would have written, “I drove my wife out of my life.” or, “I’m so incredibly unconscious I didn’t have a clue she was not happy.” or, “I’ve so upset her that I’ve caused her to not want to talk with me.” or, “I see now that I have not been a safe space for her to share what must have been on her mind for quite a while.”
Certainly a part of what drove her away was your imitation of communication. You honestly and sincerely believe that you have been in communication with her yet the results show that she was withholding hundreds of thoughts from you, each of which were being communicated nonverbally, indicating her incompleteness, her out-integrity, none of which you were conscious enough to get. This means you also have been withholding an equal number of thoughts from her.
She may have learned from previous conversations with you that it's hopeless to try and communicate all that leaving is about. She may have intuited that any attempt at explaining would have come out as blame and make-wrong. She may have discovered that she doesn’t have the leadership communication skills to let you know why she want’s out. She might know with certainty that she could not get you to simply get it, that if she tried to explain it to you would have argued and tried to change her mind.
My guess is that she didn’t know how to let you know that those you call friends are as unconscious as you, that they cannot see your cause in the matter, partly because they all have similar stuff going on in their relationships. I’m guessing that you have been unable to see that you have caused them to take your side and blame her. You’ve even “conned them into thinking you’re a “model husband.” They are not the kind of friends she wants you to have; in truth they kept you stuck producing more of the same. Notice that not one of them could see that what you had with her was the illusion of a marriage. None could get her nonverbal communications of dissatisfaction emanating from her 24/7. None could pick up that neither you nor her were present (conscious.) For certain she was withholding all sorts of thoughts from you and them and not one of you were in-integrity enough to pick up on it. That is to say, a person who is in-integrity can experience when another is withholding a thought, when the person is not present in real time. It’s an aura thing. Do 50 clearings (one per day for fifty days in a row) and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
It’s going to take more than wishing to get the full impact of your cause, but when you do you will be a new person. I strongly recommend that you enroll all of your friends in a weekend-long communication-skills workshop with you, or, if they won’t go with you, then recess them until they will.
It’s easy to see that your wife needs extensive therapy or counseling to address her abuse and control issues. It’s abusive to treat another as she has you and it’s controlling to keep another incomplete and confused. What’s not going to be easy for you is to see that she mirrors you exactly, that you are equally abusive and controlling. You set her up (however unconscious you may have been) to abuse you. “Equally” as in as many hours of counseling/ therapy. If you resume talking with your friends, sans a workshop, they will keep you in denial; mediocrity requires company.
“Advice”? Next time around ask about all relationships that did not end satisfactorily. To not do so could support the person in not cleaning up incompletes/abuses with others, which always affects the growth potential of any new relationship/endeavor.
More advice: Do not engage in further interactions with your wife until she has complete 25 hours of therapy/counseling, to do so would reveal your addiction to abuse, and your intention to keeping her stuck.
With all of the above possibilities, it's also possible she left because she left and that what's there for you to get is nothing.
Do show your wife and friends this reply. – Thank you, Gabby