#69 I'm afraid to say I love you to my boyfriend
Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 11:02 pm
#69 I'm afraid to say I love you to my boyfriend / Should I start from love or from testing?
Dear Prudence: I am fairly new to the dating scene after a lousy 12-year marriage. "Once bitten" is a major factor for me, so when I date a man and think things are getting too serious, I'm outta there!
I met my present boyfriend three months ago, and I'm really thinking that I want to commit to him. Those three little words are on the tip of my tongue, but I'm afraid that HE will be the one running for the hills if I say them. How do you know when it's safe? -R.L
Dear R.: One way to be safe is to let him say them first. However, some men wait until they are told first because they, too, do not want to send someone to the hills.
Should there come a time when you really want to tell him, do it, trust your instincts.
Also remember that saying "I love you" is a remark on your feelings, not a pledge of anything. —Prudie, providentially
Gabby's Reply
Hi R: You write, "...when I date a man…" as though this has happened dozens of times. Perhaps it has, but what you've done is lump all dates into a generality. The reasons you used to dump #3 are different than the ones you gave to #5, and none of those reasons are the truth. Based upon your comment about your marriage it's clear that you haven't gotten to the truth of how you created your "lousy" marriage. (more about this below)
At the end of your letter you ask, "How do you know when it's safe?" A conscious person, one who is intent on soliciting the truth, would have asked, "How do I know when it's safe?" Yours is an unconscious rhetorical question, as though what I would do would work for you. You reveal unconsciousness, as in sleepwalking. You'll know you're in present time* when you begin asking for feedback about how you destroyed a specific relationship so as to not do it again.
*In support of being in present time do The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. (it's free) That is to say, your mind is clouded with incompletes (unacknowledged perpetrations) keeping you from being clear here and now. Clearing is a bit like cleaning your closet. It's a physics thing. Within a year you'll have all new clothes that more nearly reflect who you are today. So too will you have all new problems, ones that you consciously choose.
Your "once bitten" is covert (unconscious) blame, as though your ex was a venomous viper who did it to you. Clue: Just as vipers always hang out with vipers, so too do blamers. A person who is clear about responsibility would write, "I destroyed my 12-year marriage." —communicated thusly would create space for a new 'n improved one. But, because you are still dramatizing your marriage, lying about your cause in the matter, using it, and even earlier and similar communication breakdowns, as a reason for present behaviors, you will have to recreate another like it. You'll have to create another person doing it to you over and over again until you get that it's your leadership-communication skills that are producing these less-than-desirable outcomes.
It works to make a distinction between talking and communicating. Whereas talking causes problems to persist communication always results in the experience of love. If you're not experiencing love then you've become stuck doing your imitation of communication. If he is not experiencing love then you are not a safe space for him to tell the truth. An expression of love is not something one can withhold for reasons—it's always fully expressed and does not look for or require an "I love you" in return.
Notice that you begin a relationship from the point of view of withholding your expressions of love. It's called controlling (controlling yourself and controlling him). You test the man presenting him with a modified (watered down) version of you. "Here I am, but not the whole loving me. I'm not going to give you the real me until you pass a few of my tests. It could be said that you present the man with your "loving act" and then expect him to fall in love with your act. If he does, you've conned an equally unconscious man. He doesn't know what you are really like. He doesn't know because all along you've been withholding your love. You have unconsciously (accidentally) withheld other parts of yourself during your sales presentation. By this I mean that you have been working towards a loving relationship by withholding thoughts. This is called deceit. With your most recent man you have verbally been withholding from him your considerations about expressing love. I say "verbally" because you have been communicating your considerations nonverbally; he just doesn't know what you've been withholding. You've created confusion and uncertainty. So, when he thinks he's with you he's not, he's with someone who is afraid to say what's on her mind. You haven't been sharing the real you. All the while you expect him to be open and honest and spontaneous with you.
Eventually you'll discover that the men you have attracted have had no option whatsoever but to withhold some of their thoughts from you. In this regard you have been and are the leader. Put another way, using your present communication model it's virtually impossible for you to attract anyone except a man who withholds his thoughts of choice. What happens is you dump your imitation of communication (talking), words minus your experience and expressions of love, in another's space and then wonder why it doesn't produce what you say you want.
My advice: Come from love. Start each relationship from love. Love everyone. Using air as an analogy: Love is the same as air; it's simply in the air. It only means something when it's not experienced. Withhold air and a person dies. Withhold love and a person dies—they end up walking around in life doing their imitation of living. Love only means something when it is withheld, for reasons—as though it is important or significant. I know this is ludicrous advice because you have a lifetime of created experiences that you now use as reasons to not come from (to communicate from) love. That is to say, your mind is chock full of considerations and proofs of why it's not advisable to love everyone all the time, every man right up front.
So, how do you get from distrust and show-me-what-you-got-and-then-I'll-love-you, to pure and simple, "I love you" without it meaning anything other than that you are experiencing the experience of love at that particular moment? You could say, "I'm experiencing love at this moment. I've noticed that it happens quite often when I'm with you." In this way you don't lay a trip on him; there's no con involved. I.e. There's no implied, "Now tell me you love me or I'll pout." Better still, create the experience of love at will by telling the truth, by sharing your experience, your considerations, your thoughts, your expectations, your boundaries, with each person you date, all the time. Especially share your judgments of them; your thoughts as to why you think you are not loving them at this particular moment in time. That is to say, you're either experiencing love or you're withholding a thought, or you're causing another to withhold a thought from you. There are no exceptions to this fundamental communication principle. Keep practicing until you get spontaneity down pat—until you can be trusted to consistently tell the truth. i.e. Up front, "I've had a pattern of withholding expressions of love and of dumping guys for various reasons, ostensibly when I think it's getting too serious." In so doing you will reap tons of valuable feedback. You'll get to know who you are and who you are not. When you can "get" the truth of each person's considerations about you without reacting negatively (it's called being a safe space for the truth to be told) your number ten will find you.
I recommend spending time with a communication-skills coach, ask for support in creating a safe space for others to tell you the truth—such conversations are awesomely enlightening (awaking). With love, Gabby
Dear Prudence: I am fairly new to the dating scene after a lousy 12-year marriage. "Once bitten" is a major factor for me, so when I date a man and think things are getting too serious, I'm outta there!
I met my present boyfriend three months ago, and I'm really thinking that I want to commit to him. Those three little words are on the tip of my tongue, but I'm afraid that HE will be the one running for the hills if I say them. How do you know when it's safe? -R.L
Dear R.: One way to be safe is to let him say them first. However, some men wait until they are told first because they, too, do not want to send someone to the hills.
Should there come a time when you really want to tell him, do it, trust your instincts.
Also remember that saying "I love you" is a remark on your feelings, not a pledge of anything. —Prudie, providentially
Gabby's Reply
Hi R: You write, "...when I date a man…" as though this has happened dozens of times. Perhaps it has, but what you've done is lump all dates into a generality. The reasons you used to dump #3 are different than the ones you gave to #5, and none of those reasons are the truth. Based upon your comment about your marriage it's clear that you haven't gotten to the truth of how you created your "lousy" marriage. (more about this below)
At the end of your letter you ask, "How do you know when it's safe?" A conscious person, one who is intent on soliciting the truth, would have asked, "How do I know when it's safe?" Yours is an unconscious rhetorical question, as though what I would do would work for you. You reveal unconsciousness, as in sleepwalking. You'll know you're in present time* when you begin asking for feedback about how you destroyed a specific relationship so as to not do it again.
*In support of being in present time do The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. (it's free) That is to say, your mind is clouded with incompletes (unacknowledged perpetrations) keeping you from being clear here and now. Clearing is a bit like cleaning your closet. It's a physics thing. Within a year you'll have all new clothes that more nearly reflect who you are today. So too will you have all new problems, ones that you consciously choose.
Your "once bitten" is covert (unconscious) blame, as though your ex was a venomous viper who did it to you. Clue: Just as vipers always hang out with vipers, so too do blamers. A person who is clear about responsibility would write, "I destroyed my 12-year marriage." —communicated thusly would create space for a new 'n improved one. But, because you are still dramatizing your marriage, lying about your cause in the matter, using it, and even earlier and similar communication breakdowns, as a reason for present behaviors, you will have to recreate another like it. You'll have to create another person doing it to you over and over again until you get that it's your leadership-communication skills that are producing these less-than-desirable outcomes.
It works to make a distinction between talking and communicating. Whereas talking causes problems to persist communication always results in the experience of love. If you're not experiencing love then you've become stuck doing your imitation of communication. If he is not experiencing love then you are not a safe space for him to tell the truth. An expression of love is not something one can withhold for reasons—it's always fully expressed and does not look for or require an "I love you" in return.
Notice that you begin a relationship from the point of view of withholding your expressions of love. It's called controlling (controlling yourself and controlling him). You test the man presenting him with a modified (watered down) version of you. "Here I am, but not the whole loving me. I'm not going to give you the real me until you pass a few of my tests. It could be said that you present the man with your "loving act" and then expect him to fall in love with your act. If he does, you've conned an equally unconscious man. He doesn't know what you are really like. He doesn't know because all along you've been withholding your love. You have unconsciously (accidentally) withheld other parts of yourself during your sales presentation. By this I mean that you have been working towards a loving relationship by withholding thoughts. This is called deceit. With your most recent man you have verbally been withholding from him your considerations about expressing love. I say "verbally" because you have been communicating your considerations nonverbally; he just doesn't know what you've been withholding. You've created confusion and uncertainty. So, when he thinks he's with you he's not, he's with someone who is afraid to say what's on her mind. You haven't been sharing the real you. All the while you expect him to be open and honest and spontaneous with you.
Eventually you'll discover that the men you have attracted have had no option whatsoever but to withhold some of their thoughts from you. In this regard you have been and are the leader. Put another way, using your present communication model it's virtually impossible for you to attract anyone except a man who withholds his thoughts of choice. What happens is you dump your imitation of communication (talking), words minus your experience and expressions of love, in another's space and then wonder why it doesn't produce what you say you want.
My advice: Come from love. Start each relationship from love. Love everyone. Using air as an analogy: Love is the same as air; it's simply in the air. It only means something when it's not experienced. Withhold air and a person dies. Withhold love and a person dies—they end up walking around in life doing their imitation of living. Love only means something when it is withheld, for reasons—as though it is important or significant. I know this is ludicrous advice because you have a lifetime of created experiences that you now use as reasons to not come from (to communicate from) love. That is to say, your mind is chock full of considerations and proofs of why it's not advisable to love everyone all the time, every man right up front.
So, how do you get from distrust and show-me-what-you-got-and-then-I'll-love-you, to pure and simple, "I love you" without it meaning anything other than that you are experiencing the experience of love at that particular moment? You could say, "I'm experiencing love at this moment. I've noticed that it happens quite often when I'm with you." In this way you don't lay a trip on him; there's no con involved. I.e. There's no implied, "Now tell me you love me or I'll pout." Better still, create the experience of love at will by telling the truth, by sharing your experience, your considerations, your thoughts, your expectations, your boundaries, with each person you date, all the time. Especially share your judgments of them; your thoughts as to why you think you are not loving them at this particular moment in time. That is to say, you're either experiencing love or you're withholding a thought, or you're causing another to withhold a thought from you. There are no exceptions to this fundamental communication principle. Keep practicing until you get spontaneity down pat—until you can be trusted to consistently tell the truth. i.e. Up front, "I've had a pattern of withholding expressions of love and of dumping guys for various reasons, ostensibly when I think it's getting too serious." In so doing you will reap tons of valuable feedback. You'll get to know who you are and who you are not. When you can "get" the truth of each person's considerations about you without reacting negatively (it's called being a safe space for the truth to be told) your number ten will find you.
I recommend spending time with a communication-skills coach, ask for support in creating a safe space for others to tell you the truth—such conversations are awesomely enlightening (awaking). With love, Gabby