#69 I'm afraid to say I love you to my boyfriend

[Gabby]

#69 I'm afraid to say I love you to my boyfriend / Should I start from love or from testing?

Dear Prudence: I am fairly new to the dating scene after a lousy 12-year marriage. "Once bitten" is a major factor for me, so when I date a man and think things are getting too serious, I'm outta there!

I met my present boyfriend three months ago, and I'm really thinking that I want to commit to him. Those three little words are on the tip of my tongue, but I'm afraid that HE will be the one running for the hills if I say them. How do you know when it's safe? -R.L

Dear R.: One way to be safe is to let him say them first. However, some men wait until they are told first because they, too, do not want to send someone to the hills.

Should there come a time when you really want to tell him, do it, trust your instincts.

Also remember that saying "I love you" is a remark on your feelings, not a pledge of anything. —Prudie, providentially

Gabby's Reply

Hi R: You write, "...when I date a man…" as though this has happened dozens of times. Perhaps it has, but what you've done is lump all dates into a generality. The reasons you used to dump #3 are different than the ones you gave to #5, and none of those reasons are the truth. Based upon your comment about your marriage it's clear that you haven't gotten to the truth of how you created your "lousy" marriage. (more about this below)

At the end of your letter you ask, "How do you know when it's safe?" A conscious person, one who is intent on soliciting the truth, would have asked, "How do I know when it's safe?" Yours is an unconscious rhetorical question, as though what I would do would work for you. You reveal unconsciousness, as in sleepwalking. You'll know you're in present time* when you begin asking for feedback about how you destroyed a specific relationship so as to not do it again.

*In support of being in present time do The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. (it's free) That is to say, your mind is clouded with incompletes (unacknowledged perpetrations) keeping you from being clear here and now. Clearing is a bit like cleaning your closet. It's a physics thing. Within a year you'll have all new clothes that more nearly reflect who you are today. So too will you have all new problems, ones that you consciously choose.

Your "once bitten" is covert (unconscious) blame, as though your ex was a venomous viper who did it to you. Clue: Just as vipers always hang out with vipers, so too do blamers. A person who is clear about responsibility would write, "I destroyed my 12-year marriage." —communicated thusly would create space for a new 'n improved one. But, because you are still dramatizing your marriage, lying about your cause in the matter, using it, and even earlier and similar communication breakdowns, as a reason for present behaviors, you will have to recreate another like it. You'll have to create another person doing it to you over and over again until you get that it's your leadership-communication skills that are producing these less-than-desirable outcomes.

It works to make a distinction between talking and communicating. Whereas talking causes problems to persist communication always results in the experience of love. If you're not experiencing love then you've become stuck doing your imitation of communication. If he is not experiencing love then you are not a safe space for him to tell the truth. An expression of love is not something one can withhold for reasons—it's always fully expressed and does not look for or require an "I love you" in return.

Notice that you begin a relationship from the point of view of withholding your expressions of love. It's called controlling (controlling yourself and controlling him). You test the man presenting him with a modified (watered down) version of you. "Here I am, but not the whole loving me. I'm not going to give you the real me until you pass a few of my tests. It could be said that you present the man with your "loving act" and then expect him to fall in love with your act. If he does, you've conned an equally unconscious man. He doesn't know what you are really like. He doesn't know because all along you've been withholding your love. You have unconsciously (accidentally) withheld other parts of yourself during your sales presentation. By this I mean that you have been working towards a loving relationship by withholding thoughts. This is called deceit. With your most recent man you have verbally been withholding from him your considerations about expressing love. I say "verbally" because you have been communicating your considerations nonverbally; he just doesn't know what you've been withholding. You've created confusion and uncertainty. So, when he thinks he's with you he's not, he's with someone who is afraid to say what's on her mind. You haven't been sharing the real you. All the while you expect him to be open and honest and spontaneous with you.

Eventually you'll discover that the men you have attracted have had no option whatsoever but to withhold some of their thoughts from you. In this regard you have been and are the leader. Put another way, using your present communication model it's virtually impossible for you to attract anyone except a man who withholds his thoughts of choice. What happens is you dump your imitation of communication (talking), words minus your experience and expressions of love, in another's space and then wonder why it doesn't produce what you say you want.

My advice: Come from love. Start each relationship from love. Love everyone. Using air as an analogy: Love is the same as air; it's simply in the air. It only means something when it's not experienced. Withhold air and a person dies. Withhold love and a person dies—they end up walking around in life doing their imitation of living. Love only means something when it is withheld, for reasons—as though it is important or significant. I know this is ludicrous advice because you have a lifetime of created experiences that you now use as reasons to not come from (to communicate from) love. That is to say, your mind is chock full of considerations and proofs of why it's not advisable to love everyone all the time, every man right up front.

So, how do you get from distrust and show-me-what-you-got-and-then-I'll-love-you, to pure and simple, "I love you" without it meaning anything other than that you are experiencing the experience of love at that particular moment? You could say, "I'm experiencing love at this moment. I've noticed that it happens quite often when I'm with you." In this way you don't lay a trip on him; there's no con involved. I.e. There's no implied, "Now tell me you love me or I'll pout." Better still, create the experience of love at will by telling the truth, by sharing your experience, your considerations, your thoughts, your expectations, your boundaries, with each person you date, all the time. Especially share your judgments of them; your thoughts as to why you think you are not loving them at this particular moment in time. That is to say, you're either experiencing love or you're withholding a thought, or you're causing another to withhold a thought from you. There are no exceptions to this fundamental communication principle. Keep practicing until you get spontaneity down pat—until you can be trusted to consistently tell the truth. i.e. Up front, "I've had a pattern of withholding expressions of love and of dumping guys for various reasons, ostensibly when I think it's getting too serious." In so doing you will reap tons of valuable feedback. You'll get to know who you are and who you are not. When you can "get" the truth of each person's considerations about you without reacting negatively (it's called being a safe space for the truth to be told) your number ten will find you.

I recommend spending time with a communication-skills coach, ask for support in creating a safe space for others to tell you the truth—such conversations are awesomely enlightening (awaking). With love, Gabby

[Gabby]

Gabby received the following email from Rita 8/22/08

Communication: Ok I'm writing in reguards to # 69 letter..I read up to the point on Gabby's response that this lady was some how to blame for getting treated badly by her ex..Now It's not always the case, when certain factors are involved and I do not know This woman only googled afraid to tell him I love him but there are times in your life you have to leave or be killed for staying she never put any thing in there about that but I also understand that partners cheat and that's not the spouses fault either {only speaking from personal experiences} the response was nicely worded but still there was a hint of blame and unless you personally know this person and the things she's went through , then I ask you..how can you blame?...you have my e-mail ..I give advice everyday ..but it's matter of fact and no drawn out bull..I've lived a lot seen a lot and I still continue to go on to help others learn how to escape bad situations..I do this because..I care

Rita

[Gabby]

Hi Rita,

Thank you for your reply.

Just so we’re talking apples and apples, is the letter to which you are referring titled, “I'm afraid to say I love you to my boyfriend.”? If yes, then I’m confused about your statement, “…that this lady was some how to blame for getting treated badly by her ex….” In any case, your post reveals that I did not make it clear that the definition of responsibility I communicate from (the point of view for all my replies) has absolutely nothing to do with blame or fault. The blame-fault definition of responsibility is characteristic of the Adversarial Communication Model, the model used in the legal system and taught to all education majors who then impart it to their students; one of the results of using this model is that people get stuck in victim and blaming.

My replies are addressed specifically to the submitter, in this case R.L., and quite often are not appropriate for others to read. This is because the author of a letter is in fact ready (they might not be aware of it when they write) to stop blaming others for the results they’ve been producing with their leadership-communication skills.

I find that when someone reacts to a discussion about responsibility such as you have it indicates that they have an incident for which they have not accepted responsibility.

Feel free to post your own letter to Gabby. It costs one a lot (in terms of aliveness) to be dragging around an old story. A few conversations can mean the difference between a life stuck in blame or being whole and complete. Victims begin to create health issues as reminders that their integrity is out; that the way they have been telling their story (from what happened as opposed to from what I caused) is not accurate.

With aloha,

Gabby