#28 How to get over anger of niece stealing my husband?

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Gabby
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#28 How to get over anger of niece stealing my husband?

Post by Gabby » Fri Jun 17, 2005 2:30 pm

#28 How to get over anger of niece stealing my husband? / Ex-wife stuck lying about her unconscious intentions

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 19 years when my niece, "Gwen," announced at a family cookout on Mother’s Day that she and my husband, "Budd," were having an affair.

We have since divorced and they have married.

I have done all I can to accept this; however, it is very hard to do. I am very angry. I hate the fact that Gwen comes to my home every day to pick up my four children. I have asked Budd to make other arrangements so I don’t have contact with Gwen, but they refuse to cooperate. They say I am being childish and unreasonable.

I have been going to counseling and was told to "let it go" and "get over it." Please tell me how. HAD IT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HAD IT: What happened was a betrayal—and the way you found out was brutal, ugly, and humiliating. However, for your children’s sake, you must take the high road and move on with your life. The alternative is to cut yourself off from the rest of your family at the time you most need their support. When your children are older, they will understand the terrible situation you were placed in and how courageously you have handled it.

It is also important that you take time for yourself and become socially involved again. It will distract you from your problems. You deserve to be happy, too. ABBY


Gabby's Reply:

Hi Had It: The barrier you have to completing this incident is that you aren’t telling the truth. If you keep describing what "happened" from victim; you will die blaming him and her. The lie will eventually cost you your health.

Your task, Ms. Phelps, however impossible the mission, is to begin by constructing a huge lie. Pretend that you are an author writing a story about a woman with four children who was incredibly unconscious, so much so that she couldn’t see that she intentionally, albeit it unconsciously at the time, seduced a man whom she knew could not be trusted. She then manipulated her husband into having an affair with her niece. Remember now, this is only a story. We know it's not obviously the truth (wink wink, nudge nudge). Notice if you are already starting to get upset. Your unresolved anger will function as a barrier to communication here.

Continuing on—this woman, long before her marriage, was also addicted to lying, being a victim, and to blaming. The pattern set in from a childhood incident, from which she had never recovered. Unbeknownst to herself until much later, she masterminded a divorce. She was in fact extremely brilliant. There was a genius at work. The whole drama was part of her long-range intentions to experience enlightenment. To become clear about lies, and manipulation, and intentions, she had to master all that she disdained. She had to discover that who she related with mirrored her own communication model.

You can complete, or not, the story. The point is that your mind has blocked your experience of being cause in the matter. Part of your mind’s job has been to cleverly pick a therapist who would support you with your blaming narrative.

For example: A communicologist (a communication-skills coach) would have stipulated: "If you wish to work with me you must be willing to complete your experience of anger, victim, and blame. This means you must be willing to be coached in communicating responsibly, from cause. Are you willing to allow me to support you?"

You have a challenge. Specifically, you have already taught your children to lie and blame about their cause in life and relationships. You will have to emulate for them a complete turn around. It would work for you to communicate, from cause, your creation to them. It’s important they know that both parents (and Gwen) are equally damaged and out-integrity. Once they know that you used their father to learn life’s lessons, part of it being, to complete your experience of lying and blaming, it will create space for them to grow also. If you don’t tell them the truth they will have to begin misbehaving and failing so as to draw other's attention to the big lie. Lies parents live drive kids crazy.

Someone needs to communicate to the children that Gwen was/is out-integrity in stealing another’s wife. That their father was out-integrity, to cheat on you, and that you were out-integrity for choosing a husband/father whom you knew to be stuck in abuse. And, that you are addicted to abuse. Most importantly, that you set him up to cheat on you. What would work is to show Gwen and Budd this reply and ask them to tell the truth to the kids, so that you can also.

You will reveal your addiction to abuse if you keep relating with them, and, your children if they opt to hang around Gwen and Budd, after you have cleared the kids, and after you have issued an ultimatum to Budd and Gwen to commit to 25 hours of therapy each (individually) before you are willing to let them see the children again. To not issue this condition is to submit your children to the effects of living with unethical irresponsible adults. You can no longer say that you have not been told. Budd and Gwen will of course balk and you will be left with the horrendous consequences of your machinations. Your choices are: to heal or to keep relating with (causing) more abuse in your life. My sense is that you are not committed to an abuse-free life yet. It hasn’t gotten bad enough. You have yet to bottom out. For most people it takes a job or health crisis.

Be sure to show any potential partner this reply—they need to know so they can make a conscious choice. Until you get counseling (tell the truth) you will keep recreating this scenario. Thanks, Gabby

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