#25 Wedding 'hostess' worked too hard, bails / Hostess sets up bride to complete a previous upset
DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked to be a "hostess" in a wedding. When I asked the bride what exactly my duties would be, she said I would pass out programs and make sure that all the wedding guests signed the guestbook. The bride also requested that I buy a $200 matching bridesmaid dress—which I did. With hotel and travel, the weekend cost me more than $1000.
On the morning of the wedding, I was immediately put to work assembling plastic Champaign flutes and placing favors and name cards on tables, etc. While I was doing this, the wedding party was having their pictures taken. I was not invited to be in a single photo. I also missed the entire ceremony because I was assigned the job of arranging flowers in the reception hall. I was the only member of the wedding party who was expected to work in this manner.
At the reception, I was instructed to escort the bride and groom and others to their tables. It was a task I found insulting. I was also asked, via a typed "task list" handed to me by the bride’s aunt, to pour cider for the 300 guests. I was so upset, I left the reception before any cider pouring.
Do you think the bride was out-of-line—or am I out of tune with what is expected of a "hostess"? (I have rescinded my invitation for her to be a member of my wedding. Too rash?) FEELING USED IN STOW, OHIO
DEAR FEELING USED: I don’t blame you for feeling used. You were treated shamefully. You were a victim of "bait and switch." Your duties should have ended when the ceremony began. Instead you paid $1000 to be treated like a caterer.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to be reminded of this incident at the time of your own wedding. So don’t second-guess yourself about your decision to uninvite this "blushing bride." —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Feeling Used: It was normal and appropriate for you to experience upset, anger and hurt, and, to have thoughts of leaving, and later, of wanting to punish her by uninviting her to your wedding.
Her behavior, however unconscious it may have been, was disrespectful and inconsiderate. It was, however, communicating something and that’s part of what this is about. It reveals that something was/is incomplete between you and her. Another part is that it’s your integrity supporting you in completing an earlier similar experience (having to do with an upset) one that you are still dramatizing. Possibly one in which you got so upset you broke an agreement (ran out on someone).
In communication jargon we say that such a covert act of disrespect, (the bride unconsciously intending another [the task-assignor] to do her dirty work), however accidental it may appear to be, was in fact founded upon an earlier communication, an interaction that wasn’t mutually satisfying. In lay terms, she was getting back at you for something. In other words, no "friend" would treat a friend like that. It indicates that there is an unacknowledged withhold/perpetration between you.
Through the use of a third party, a friend, or a communication coach, you can recall what the incident between you and her is. If your mind is hiding it from you, you might have to ask her the following: "Let’s assume that your unconscious disrespect was about something for which you are punishing me, what could it be?"
Note: This kind of question is only appropriate between friends who are absolutely committed to having the relationship work. Your relationship with her appears to be more at-arm’s-length.
Let’s begin with your upset. What works is to communicate an upset immediately—to the person who can do something about it. It’s possible you have a pattern of stuffing upsets. Notice that how you handled this upset escalated into estrangement? Nipped in the bud you might have had a wonderful time. The results clearly show that you had another, albeit unconscious, intention. At some point in time, either at the moment you were being assigned a task, or from a realization while doing a task, you experienced upset. That was the time to have resolved it. If your upset began at the moment the task-assignor was assigning you flute-assembling, that would have been the time to say, "___ said that my specific job was …. Can you tell me where the guestbook is?" Or, if the upset came up as you were doing a task, it would have worked to go to the task-assignor and said, "I’m having an upset. I should have told you earlier, ___ already assigned me the task of making sure everyone signs the guestbook, I'd like to be doing that now."
It’s true that most brides are overwhelmed/unconscious on their wedding day. There’s usually just too much going on for her to be aware of everything. This is partly why brides traditionally have hostesses. It’s also true that brides usually only invite close friends to be in the wedding party, those whom she can trust/expect will do whatever it takes to bring about a successful event. For example: "Run to the store and get some more napkins." It’s also clear that she did not invite or enroll you correctly. It should have been, "...primarily guest book duty, but overall, whatever it takes to get the job done. Will that be OK?" She was probably afraid to tell you the truth. She could even have been upset by your "exactly" question (picking up on your resistance to certain jobs) and unconsciously relegated you to a caterer-like position.
It’s also true that your "exactly … duties" question was a setup. It was communicated from an adversarial, instead of a supportive, ground of being. You withheld from her your considerations behind your question. It contained an implied, "I’ll do anything but serve as a caterer." In other words, "I’d love to, BUT, I've been to a few weddings so I’m a bit concerned about what job you’d like me to do. I’d prefer to not be part of the setup or logistics team."
The most valuable thing you could do is to get together with her (before your wedding) and clear the air. The integrity it will take to recreate the now-damaged relationship will require some communication-skills that will be essential for you in maintaining your own marriage. Anyone can find fault with another and dump them, we all have mastered that skill. Few know how to destroy a relationship and recreate it so that it’s mutually supportive, for life. Thank you Gabby
PS. It appears you operate from a decision you made a long time ago (most likely an unconscious decision) about assertive people. You appear to be more committed to being a victim than to asserting yourself. For example: The task assignor asserted herself and you did your victim-submission act. The way to complete this pattern is to choose to be assertive. You'll have to be willing to give up making people who are assertive wrong. Pogo says, "...you is dem."
What will work is for you to have a heart-to-heart with the person you are trying to be like, or trying to not be like, regarding assertion—most likely it's a family member. You've accumulated some withholds and un acknowledged acknowledgments with that person that are serving as barriers to the experience of communication to this day. Show him/her this post.
PPS. Under the upset and anger is sadness and hurt. You've yet to be acknowledged for doing your best to be a supportive friend.