#3 Boyfriend dragging feet on long road to alter / Girlfriend blaming boyfriend
Dear Prudence: I have been with "Bob" for almost five years, and living with him for almost two of those years. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together and look forward to purchasing a house together. However, whenever the subject of marriage comes up, Bob says he’s been there, done that and then he laughs and changes the subject.
At Christmas time, I assumed I was going to get an engagement ring because he had asked me a few times what kind of ring I like. No real surprise, I guess; there was not a ring under the tree. Nor on New Year’s Eve. Not even a Cracker Jack ring.
Bob is my best friend and my lover: I cannot imagine life without him. I plan to wait until the beginning of June, and then ask him what it is about me that makes it so he can’t or won’t marry me. I would like to have your opinion on this matter. NEVER BEEN THERE OR DONE THAT
Dear Nev: To take liberties with an old cliché: You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him get married. You are perfectly within your rights, after five years, to ascertain if there are rice and bridesmaids in your future. If you don’t like his answer, you are free to go.
This is always an unhappy situation, but sometimes a man is just not the marrying kind. And sometimes the woman just doesn’t seem to like the right one. You are certainly entitled to find out where you fit in. PRUDIE HOPEFULLY
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Nev: You say, "...whenever the subject of marriage comes up…." I would have gotten it had you written, "Whenever I bring up the subject of marriage…." Or, "Whenever I manipulate him into bringing up the subject of marriage." You continue with, "…he laughs and changes the subject." This is a blame statement. It’s you being the poor weak victim. You would be wise to acknowledge that you know that if you pressed him for the answer you’re afraid your relationship would end. You have gotten your answer several times over and still you don’t believe him. It’s similar to date rape. You won’t take no for an answer.
We already know a few of his considerations about you, however unaware of them he may be:
1) We know that at some level he doesn’t admire your sneakiness. You didn’t make it clear to him (up front) that you expected to get married within x number of years. Instead, you have been covertly, silently, steadily pressuring (nagging) him. It’s a pattern of yours. Once you win this game you’ll redouble your efforts to change him in other ways. It’s called not creating space. Love is creating (intending) him to be exactly the way he is, being aligned and supportive of all his beliefs. He's like a quarterback who says, "Let's go around the left end" and you're arguing, saying, "No, let's go up the middle." In truth you're not ready to play the intimate relationship game. You don't know enough to choose someone who wants to play by your rules.
2) It doesn’t feel good to be made wrong. You have been overtly and covertly making him wrong, trying to change him. This is called abuse.
3) You are not the type of woman he is looking for, no matter what he says. You have lost, if ever you had it, his respect. No man completely respects a woman he can manipulate. It makes him feel lousy about himself; yet, he’s powerless to stop doing it around you. You reward and train him through your communication/leadership model. You are addicted to being less-than-satisfied and to manipulating and being manipulated. Manipulators always attract manipulators. Once you dump him you’ll have no choice but to find another who manipulates and thwarts you, unless you get about 25 fifty-minute sessions of therapy.
Even if you tried backing off, threatening, or actually leaving him, so as to get him to commit, you couldn’t be certain that you didn’t "get" him through manipulation. The truth is you cannot not manipulate. The trick is to manipulate others in a way that everyone feels good. Ultimately it wouldn’t work for you. What’s up for you is to ask cleanly and simply, "Would you like to get married within 6 months? Yes or No." Clean, without drama, no manipulative tears. Total space for him to say no. If he communicates anything but yes, say "Thanks. I’ll be leaving shortly." To do this you have to be totally prepared and willing to have him say no. You have to envision a future equally exciting so that he experiences having a clean clear choice, with absolutely zero pressure coming from you. Handle your grief and sadness before asking.
What you have to be willing to do is recreate the time (five years ago) when you should have been up front with him and start life from the answer you knew he’d have given you back then. In this way your con won’t have any negative karma.
In short you are not ready for marriage. You need to spend lots of time with your parents, and, date some more until you learn how to relate from equality in a relationship. An actualized woman knows how, is not afraid, to get answers to her questions. She recognizes when humor is being used to hide a withhold, anger, or a truth. You need to have some powerful conversations with your parents. You are still processing some incompletes, specific conversations with each that resulted in you backing off and being afraid. The other alternative is to get some counseling or therapy. Thank you. Gabby