#40 Can’t get husband to appreciate me / My communication-leadership skills don’t inspire appreciation
Dear Annie: I have been married to “Steven” for 23 years. We both work full time now, although we have a traditional marriage and for many years I was a stay-at-home mother. Our 21-year-old daughter lives with us.
The problem is, Steven is not happy. He puts up a good front, but he admitted 10 years ago that he never has been in love with me. We went for counseling briefly and tried marriage retreats, but we couldn’t connect in a deep way.
Five years ago, Steven met a woman with whom he shared all the feelings he never had for me. I chose not to interfere with his extramarital affair, because I thought I was helping Steven. When Steven wanted a divorce, however we went for counseling again in an attempt to salvage our marriage.
Steven now says he wants to work it out, but I’m convinced he is only going through the motions because he is afraid our daughter will never speak to him again if he divorces me. He’s probably right. Our daughter has had problems in the past and she is struggling to be more independent. I fear a divorce will cause her to lose respect for her father and she will never recover.
I still love Steven, but I’m tired of feeling that I’m not good enough for him and angry that he cannot seem to realize what a worthwhile life he has with me. Please advise me. — ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
Dear St. Petersburg: You cannot make Steven appreciate the life he has with you, and waiting for him to come around is like beating your head up against the wall. If you still want to him, even though he is in love with someone else, continue with counseling. You must decide if this illusionary marriage is worth maintaining for the sake of your grown daughter. It certainly isn’t doing much for you or Steven.
Gabby's Reply:
Hi St. Petersburg:
Re: "We went for counseling briefly" The difference between mental health professionals (counselors and therapists) and a communicologist (a communication-skills coach) is that a communication-skills coach has spent as much time studying communication as therapists do therapy. In other words, mental health students take a few speech/communication courses in pursuit of their careers, and speech/communication majors take a few courses having to do with psychology and counseling. And, although both may know a lot about each other's field, neither is skilled in the other’s profession. My point being, most mental health professionals honestly and sincerely believe that what they “know about” communication is in fact communication. For a communicologist to teach mental health professionals all that we know about communication, therapists would have to be willing to also get degrees in Sp/Com.
In the enlightenment game the final barrier to knowing is to acknowledge that one doesn’t know. For most this means acknowledging his/her arrogance. For example, a therapist’s arrogance will not allow him/her to acknowledge the remote possibility that a couple’s problem might just be a simple (fixed-in-one-three-hour-session) communication breakdown. Most therapists will arrogantly argue this paragraph.
I mention the above because that’s your problem. Your therapist and retreat facilitator missed it. We know you have never been in communication with your husband because communication always results in the experience of love. Not the “in-love” emotional stuff, but the genuine, recreate at will, real McCoy. You can be coached how to do this in one three-hour session. And, once you know how to sit down opposite another and create, at will, an experience of love, that skill, that ability, remains with you for life. You have certain communication-leadership skills that are producing other than what you say you want, and therefore you are missing the more desirable communication-leadership skills. You have unconsciously created a communication breakdown. Notice I said “you,” not you and your husband. In this matter you are the leader.
One barrier you have to communication is that you are addicted to blaming. You reveal this with your subtle covert blame statement, “but we couldn’t connect in a deep way.” A responsible person would have written, "I was unable to get into communication with him.” A responsible person can hear when their mind is trying to deny responsibility by using the word “we.”
Another barrier is that you are addicted to being incomplete. You write, “Steven is not happy.” Let’s go back to your first sentence on your first date, after which, he’s either happy or he’s not. If yes, you go on to another sentence/topic. If not, you say, “What’s up? I notice something’s going on?" In other words, a conscious person, one committed to being complete, does not continue in a conversation if the other person is incomplete. If he brought a dour sullen (looking for a relationship to be happy) countenance into the relationship then you have another problem, that being, that you are addicted to trying to fix others, instead of referring them to a professional. A happy person attracts/chooses a happy partner. Those needing therapy attract those needing therapy. There are no exceptions to this rule. People who need therapy honestly and sincerely believe that what they call love will heal another. Also, a person who is whole and complete, one who is in-integrity, (all childhood lies, deceits, and perpetrations acknowledged) can sense when another is withholding something. The person is either happy or they are out-integrity, they are withholding something, a thought or an unacknowledged perpetration. A person who themselves are out-integrity will attract an equally out-integrity person and therefore neither can see (experience) or read the other accurately.
Still yet another barrier is that both of you are withholding thoughts from each other. Thoughts withheld serve as barriers to the experience of love. Again, you are the leader. Once you communicate all withholds he'll have no choice but to communicate openly and honestly with you.
Re: "I chose not to interfere with his extramarital affair, because I thought I was helping Steven." This is a lie. It's only one of many reasons. The truth is underneath the lie.
Now we get to the serious stuff. Something about how you have been communicating with your daughter has turned her against her father. You’ve conned her into your inaccurate understanding of responsibility. You’ve taught her that that he left you, instead of acknowledging that you unconsciously masterminded the divorce. This is badmouthing and it's blame. Yours is a victim’s mentality. Again, a responsible parent imparts to his/her child that divorces are a mutually agreed upon solution. If you set it up for your husband to leave then you need to tell her that it was you who drove him away. And, she should know that you’ll not support her in seeing only you, that she’ll need to do enough therapy to get to where she sees you both as equally cause for the divorce. Her “problem” has been a consequence of your communication-leadership model. You need to share with her exactly what you did to destroy your marriage, else she'll have no choice but to do the same. Thanks, Gabby