#11 Teen feels pressure to lose virginity / Should I keep conning my boyfriend into asking for sex?
Dear Annie: I am a 16-year-old girl in high school, and I’m having troubles with boys. There’s a lot of pressure to have sex, and it’s often overwhelming.
I’ve been seeing "Jason" for six months. I know he wants to lose his virginity to me, but I’m not sure I’m ready. I truly care about Jason and sometimes I think I should just get it over with. On the other hand, I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I’m married.
I know Jason loves me, but I’m worried he might pressure me into something I don’t want to do. I’m not stupid. If he were the type of guy who made me feel uncomfortable I wouldn’t be with him. But I like Jason so much, I figure, if I’m going to lose my virginity eventually, it might as well be with him.
Can you give me some advice?—CONFUSED IN COLORADO
Dear Confused: You sound like a bright sensible girl, and it seems clear that you are not ready. It doesn’t matter how Jason feels. You don’t have to do this to please him, keep him or be like everyone else. Wanting to get it over with is no reason to have sex.
Aside from sexually transmitted diseases and the risk of pregnancy, there are other reasons to wait. Your friends may tell you sex is no big deal, but the truth is, having sex can create an emotional attachment, especially for a teenage girl. If Jason respects you, he will respect your decision to wait. If he pressures you it’s not love, honey, it’s lust, and when the novelty wears off, so will the relationship. If you’re not sure, it means you need more time. Please wait. You won’t be sorry. Annie
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Confused: Your problem has to do with your communication model, the one you’ve learned from your parents and schoolteachers. Your parents have taught you to operate from blame and from victim. You have yet to learn how to communicate responsibly. Your letter is that of an unconscious con. You are a con who is not acknowledging the con you’re running on Jason. This makes you dangerous to both of you and your respective careers.
You used the promise of sex to get and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. How do we know? That’s the result you produced. You’ve set it up for him to beg while you dangle the carrot. This is called manipulation.
Your con is to say the word, "no" but to nonverbally communicate "…keep trying, I’ll eventually give in, and when I do I’ll make you feel guilty for talking me into it." Your integrity is such that you’re ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you.
A responsible young woman tells the truth and as such, when she says, "No sex," she means what she says and the boy is absolutely clear that that’s the way it will be. The "No" is communicated with the intention for it to be gotten and so the boy knows there is no hope. This gives a boy a clear choice, the choice to continue dating you solely because he enjoys you, or, to look elsewhere for a sex partner.
A girl cannot respect a boy she can con just as a boy cannot respect a girl whom he can con (read talk into/manipulate). Notice I make a distinction between girl and young woman.
One thing we know is that Jason is not loving you experientially. That is to say he loves you conceptually. The difference between conceptual love and experiential love is that with the latter there is open and honest communication, zero thoughts withheld, which when practiced at your age becomes a pattern to bring into your relationships. You begin by practicing at home with your parents.
Your communication model is what’s referred to as an adversarial communication model. How do we know? Adversaries hide things, certain thoughts, from others, so as to get their way, so as to produce certain results. They are deceitful just as you are being deceitful with your parents. You are afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to talk about what’s going on between you and Jason with your parents. You support Jason in being deceitful with your parents. He can’t tell your father, "Hey, I got the hots for your daughter. Is it OK with you if I shag her? You have my word that if I get her pregnant I will pay child support, for life." Jason supports you in deceiving your parents in going behind their backs to make out. He is out-integrity. He doesn’t communicate openly and honestly with his own parents. A relationship founded upon deceit is doomed to mediocrity.
In the process of growing up you have the opportunity to master intercourse. Beautiful, exquisite intercourse always includes foreplay consisting of thousands upon thousands of open, honest, and spontaneous conversations with everyone in both families. It is sheer arrogance of you to think that you will be able to sustain a working relationship without the support of yours and his parents.
Once you are clear that all lies and all truths, all deceits, have consequences you will know that there are no accidental pregnancies, only pregnancies caused by girls who unconsciously intend to get caught for their lies and deceits to their parents. A pregnant girl will tell you that it's not until after she gets the guy to "accidentally" impregnate her does she become aware that she was unconsciously intent on ruining his and her life, specifically his financial status (child support for 18 years), possibly preventing him from going to college. She can even tell you what motivated her to produce the result.
Great letter for many. Do show this reply to Jason. Thank you, Gabby