#75 Rejection common for HIV-positive singles / Rejection impossible when committed to service.
Dear Abby: Your advice for the attractive HIV-positive young woman was perfect if the world was perfect—but it’s not. As a middle aged-gay man, HIV-positive for 15 years, my status should shock no one—yet I’m usually rejected once I reveal my status.
I see three imperfect choices for her: Be open about her HIV to everyone she meets (she will thereby “benefit” by having a reputation). Tell her suitors up-front during the first romantic outing. Or wait until weeks into dating, only to be disappointed again and again.
I choose the second. I take of this nasty notification business as early as possible. Preferably not in the heat of passion. The lies an HIV-positive person encounters can be quite an education. I’m nearly always told, “Thanks for telling me, being honest with me. It’s OK, we’ll just play safe,” and the guy vanishes.
I now have a wonderful partner (he’s negative) who loves me as I am. One day, I hope she’ll be equally blessed. STEVE IN L.A.
Abby's Reply:
Dear Steve: I don’t think a person’s illness or disability should define her or him. I advised the woman to take time to get to know someone—and let him get top know her—before having sex, and that when she was ready for physical intimacy, she should disclose. Many people disagree, but not all. ... Abby
#75 Rejection common for HIV-positive singles
#75 Rejection common for HIV-positive singles
Last edited by Gabby on Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Steve: I’m concerned for you and your “wonderful” partner. You are ripe for being “disappointed” again. I don’t get that you have yet to experience being cause in life and relationships. I do get that you “understand” the concept of responsibility but your thoughts indicate that you don’t operate from responsibility. Responsible thoughts don’t flow from your mind to the point where you can see that you come from victim and blaming. You don’t yet have a choice to put in immediate correction. I suspect that you will unconsciously set it up for your partner to “reject” you so that you can once again be the victim.
Your use of the word “suitors” is sexist. I know of no actualized woman/person who would say that she/he was not the suitor. A conscious person, one who communicates responsibly, from cause, can always see that she/he causes/intends others to seduce them. In their world they are always the “suitor,” because they know that they set it up for another to initiate the first verbal communication. Such a person is awake and therefore can sense in a nano-second whether or not a new person is healthy for them.
My advice to the woman, actually to anyone, looking for fulfillment, is to find someone who serves, someone whose purpose you admire and respect, and support that person in serving others. Eventually in serving that person you will become that person. The curriculum of service (communication mastery) takes one out of the dating game. Life becomes about manifesting one’s purpose, of being on purpose. In being on purpose you may or may not (depending upon whether or not you have truly let go of wanting/needing another to be happy/fulfilled) create space for your partner to find you. They will be so impressed with you from afar that they will find a way to support you in your purpose. They will see that you love everyone, not with an end in mind, but because you are a loving person.
It could be said that AIDS is a gift in support of enlightenment. —Thank you, Gabby
PS. Check out Communications in Support of Heath —a free communication-skills tutorial.
Hi Steve: I’m concerned for you and your “wonderful” partner. You are ripe for being “disappointed” again. I don’t get that you have yet to experience being cause in life and relationships. I do get that you “understand” the concept of responsibility but your thoughts indicate that you don’t operate from responsibility. Responsible thoughts don’t flow from your mind to the point where you can see that you come from victim and blaming. You don’t yet have a choice to put in immediate correction. I suspect that you will unconsciously set it up for your partner to “reject” you so that you can once again be the victim.
Your use of the word “suitors” is sexist. I know of no actualized woman/person who would say that she/he was not the suitor. A conscious person, one who communicates responsibly, from cause, can always see that she/he causes/intends others to seduce them. In their world they are always the “suitor,” because they know that they set it up for another to initiate the first verbal communication. Such a person is awake and therefore can sense in a nano-second whether or not a new person is healthy for them.
My advice to the woman, actually to anyone, looking for fulfillment, is to find someone who serves, someone whose purpose you admire and respect, and support that person in serving others. Eventually in serving that person you will become that person. The curriculum of service (communication mastery) takes one out of the dating game. Life becomes about manifesting one’s purpose, of being on purpose. In being on purpose you may or may not (depending upon whether or not you have truly let go of wanting/needing another to be happy/fulfilled) create space for your partner to find you. They will be so impressed with you from afar that they will find a way to support you in your purpose. They will see that you love everyone, not with an end in mind, but because you are a loving person.
It could be said that AIDS is a gift in support of enlightenment. —Thank you, Gabby
PS. Check out Communications in Support of Heath —a free communication-skills tutorial.