#66 First date ends abruptly / What did I do to drive him away?
Dear Annie: I’m 21 years old and was asked out on my first date a month ago, I was thrilled. “Brad” and I went out three times, and we really seemed to like each other. Well it’s been two weeks since our last date, and I haven’t heard from Brad except once when we exchanged small talk. He’s made no effort to see me and hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. Yesterday, I left him a message, asking why he’s been blowing me off for two weeks. I haven’t heard back yet.
I’m really hurt by this. Brad was the first guy I ever dated and now I’m afraid something must be terribly wrong with me. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and forget him, but I can’t. I don’t ever want to date ever again if this is what it feels like.
How can I get over the hurt? Heartbroken HannahDear Hannah: Welcome to the world of dating—some men (and women) are jerks. Brad may have felt you were getting too serious, or he may have met someone else, whatever, but there is no reason for you to assume the fault is yours.
Since this was your first dating experience, it’s possible you could use some pointers. Ask your closest friends to give you a brutally honest critique of your appearance and your approach. Consider the “Brad” experience a way of getting your feet wet. Now is the time to wade deeper. There are lots of great guys out there, and we hope you will meet one of them soon. —AnnieGabby's Reply
Hi Hannah: It’s so great that you reached out. It’s not so great that you’ve hung out with this hurt and abuse for this many days. You were supposed to have learned from your parents how to clear upsets and the emotional effects of unwanted problems within minutes. You appear to be prone to being incomplete, to being a victim and to being a drama queen ("heartbroken" after 3 dates??). Check out The [free] Clearing Process
—it supports one in being complete.
The source of your problem is way back much earlier, when something similar happened. Either you did it to someone or someone did it to you. Locate that incident and you won't have to set up life to have another “Brad” event. Brad was your integrity prompting you to complete an incomplete
so as to manifest your stated intentions.
You were unconscious on your first date beginning with how you handled one of his very first comments (possibly a condescension masked as humor; most likely you stuffed a thought so as to not ...). If we sat down and went over all the “He said’s” and “I said’s” we’d find out what you did or did not do to produce this result. These sharings (after-the-game critiques) are usually done with family members after each date. You are smart to be looking inward. Something about how you communicated, your present leadership-communication skills, produced this result. If not him, you would have had to create another with the same behaviors to mirror you.
Re: "... asked out on my first date ..." Part of your pain-drama is that you can't complete something you didn't create. Tell the truth and the pain will disappear. Just because you don't know how you seduced him into asking you out doesn't mean that you didn't (cleverly and successfully). Walking around pretending you're not searching is an act that cons can detect in a nano-second. Such naiveté magnetically attracts controllers/helpers. Girls learn how to con a guy into fixing their car during high school. The truth would be something like: "I seduced a guy into asking me out. I did ... and then I did... and then I did ... and then I did ... and then I did... and I wore ... I dressed in a way that communicated I'm not ... and I'm definitely not .... All the while I planned. Then I went .... I looked at him long enough to let him know I preferred being seduced."BTW
: All divorced couples (both partners) withheld a deal-breaking thought from each other on the very first date; withholders always attract withholders. A significant*
automatically (unconsciously) grants your date-partner permission to withhold his/her thought of choice from you. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. It's how an infidelity "victim" causes deception. Put another way, it's how a con sets it up to be conned.
Re: ". . . asking why he’s been blowing me off . . ." This is called a blame statement. It could very well be a major reason he's decided to not interact with you—perhaps he could sense that you're addicted to blaming and making others wrong. Perhaps you unconsciously revealed more of this behavior on your date. It's an addiction that's extremely hard to hide.One clue
: Cons who have yet to acknowledge their con often can’t see another’s con. They are so unaware of their con and the effect it has on others that they are no longer conscious, they are clueless. What we know for sure is that you were each leading the other on, towards what purpose we don’t know—neither of you verbalized your intentions up front. Let’s assume he was looking for a sex partner. If this was the game and you unconsciously led him to believe it was possible, he might have gotten there was no hope after the first date. If you don’t want sex then you must communicate that up front so the man has a choice, otherwise you get to be right that all men want is sex when they ask for it. He could be married and got caught. He could have been attending a convention for a week. Who knows? What we do know is that you haven’t developed the communication skills it takes to get into communication with a man so that he has no choice but to be truthful with you from the git-go. Remember, it’s your karma that attracted such person into your life. Women who are whole and complete, who have no need to be victimized, simply don’t create such drama. You unconsciously set him up to victimize you, that's very powerful of you. Imagine what you’ll be able to do when you’re conscious?BTW
: It doesn't work to leave content on answering machines, in part because now you don't know why he hasn't returned your call. Was it something you said on a date or on the machine, or was it your in-his-face make-wrong message? If you discover he's been in the hospital your accusatory message will feel uncomfortable to you. What works is, "This is Hannah, give me a call please."
It’s obvious that something is going on between you and your parents. An actualized woman has had millions of experiences of sharing everything with her parents and in so doing accumulates all the skills it takes to inspire open and honest communication with most everyone. That this was your first date indicates that you’re a late bloomer—not bad, not good, merely late. This kind of stuff usually happens between ages 13-18. You would have gotten during high school that deceit is part of the dating game, and at that time you would have refined your selection process and developed your perceptions, as to whom you can and cannot get into communication with. Some people are on such different paths that it’s virtually suicidal to even engage in an extended conversation with them. With teen dating experiences you somewhat learn who to stay away from, it’s an aura thing.
One question to ask yourself is who would say that you have treated them the same? Brad was a mirror for you. It would work to acknowledge and clean up your childhood/teenage shunnings/abuses. I suspect you have accumulated hundreds of judgments about your teen peers and their dating behaviors, all delivered non-verbally. Some virgins carry a flag of self-righteousness emblazoned on their forehead; it comes across as holier than thou. Some dump their religious beliefs on others with frequent phrases such as "Amen to that" or "God bless you" to find out their date's religion or if they are agnostic—clearly a make-wrong (us/them) communication. The recipient will find a way to communicate that it doesn't feel good, usually non-verbally.
Your letter reeks of a well-refined “nice act,” an “innocent act,” a polite “don’t say what’s on your mind (for reasons) act,” —ripe for picking by an equally skilled con. Were you my daughter I’d recommend an Outward Bound course or even a tour of military duty so as to balance you, so that in any conversation you have choices, to be nice or to say exactly what’s on your mind. If you’ll look you’ll see that while with him you withheld
dozens of thoughts. This is called being deceitful. The person you’re with can’t trust you to say what’s on your mind, consequently you attracted an equally deceitful person.Lastly
: It could be that you communicate neediness and pressure and expectations non-verbally without knowing it. He simply had no space at all to not call, and, he somehow got that you would make him wrong for not calling. I find that it works to enter into a relationship knowing how perfect it will be if they don’t keep their agreement with me. “Wow! That was a close one. To think I could have gotten hung up with that game for years.” The far senior way to enter into a relationship is to always be willing to not have it, in that way the other person experiences having a choice—zero unconscious pressure/manipulation coming from me. It's referred to as unattached intention.
I am concerned that he might call and that you’d date him again. You could say to him, jokingly, "Apologies, I should have made it clear, up-front, that I'm not interested in sex and that I'm addicted to making others wrong. I've been blaming you for not calling me instead of acknowledging that if I wanted another date I would have told you so. Clearly I've been more interested in making you wrong. Unless you've been attending therapy or How to Treat a Woman
classes, I'm going to take a rain check on our relationship." It would be disappointing to your parents to know that they didn't teach you that you deserve to be treated with respect.
The way to get over the hurt is to tell the truth, that you set him up to ignore you so that you could see you—once you see that then you'll know he didn't do it to you. Keep in mind that when you set up men (manipulate them) to ask you out you only get to choose from a small percentage of the population. FYI
: If you found this to be of value you might enjoy Date rape—liken to a police "sting" operation
and Date rape variables
Thanks for the great letter. —Gabby*
"significant" If the withheld thought would even slightly upset another. A fleeting non-reoccurring thought is not a withhold.
Last edited 11/28/17