It doesn't appear that you have your husband's permission to be dating your boyfriend, therefore, you are abusing your husband; premeditated abuse generates its own set of consequences, first affecting one's aliveness, one's happiness, and eventually one's health
—ultimately, the happiness and health of those with whom they relate. It's referred to as taking everyone down with you.
If as a child you held in the back of your mind that cheating was acceptable then all along, all these years, you have been reaping the consequences of your warped sense of ethics.
I trust you can see that your boyfriend is out-integrity to be dating another man's wife without his specific permission. A man of integrity would not be dating another's wife. One of our support group agreements is that one must ask, up front, "Is there anyone who would be upset if we dated?" A man who is incomplete searches out a woman who is unhappy and incomplete, one who needs help.
Your boyfriend is running his loving act on you. A truly loving person would not inflict such misery on a fellow man. We know that what you (and both men) are calling love ain't it. Love always always produces the experience of exhilaration and happiness. Myself, I'm driven to share my loving friends with each other; you on the other hand, keep them away from each other, both selfishly wanting to keep you for themselves.
Your husband does not love you. Love is doing what it takes to support another's happiness. i.e. "If you want to go then please do. I'll be OK." You appear to being trying to make life miserable enough for him, setting it up for him to eventually initiate the divorce. That either man would continue to date you reveals that they too are out-integrity.
I trust you can see that you are hanging out with someone addicted to abuse. i.e. ". . . it is all in my head . . ." someone who can't see that he is invalidating you, blaming you, making you wrong. What's worse, you both intend, and put up with, it; this reveals the lie, you saying you want to be happy.
Please re-read The Clearing Process
(Instructions and Sample Clearing) and do five more clearings. I say this because you are not in present-time; you have not shared all of life's perpetrations, especially your latest perpetrations, abuses. i.e. "I abused my husband this morning by continuing to see my boyfriend so as to ensure he remains less-than-satisfied in our relationship for another 24-hrs." "I dumped this extramarital problem in my husband's space yet another day knowing it upsets him." "I abused my boyfriend this morning because I continue to hold on to him rather than set him free to find a happy person." "I was rude to someone yesterday." Your machinations haven't cost you enough yet. You seduce your husband into wanting sex and then intend that it doesn't feel good. This is abusive of you. A person of integrity would say, "No. not now. Let's talk." That you would set it up for him to continue to manipulate you into having sex, him knowing it doesn't feel good to you, is abusive; you are both still having high school sex instead of exquisite intercourse. A man of integrity can tell when a woman wants sex because she initiates it.
I'd recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial
but you can't be living (interacting with) someone equally abusive. I recommend that you look for a mental health professional, one who is clear about responsibility
, one who will not accept you as a client until you agree to not see one or the other man. Keep in mind, a significant difference between a communication skills coach and most mental health professionals is that most therapists unconsciously intend that you have the same problem (but always getting better) the next session, so that they can continue to survive financially.
No one can succeed with you until you restore your integrity, till then you'll take everyone down with you. Please don't post here again until you can say that you are willing to stop controlling men, keeping them and yourself incomplete and unhappy. You have no business being in any personal relationship until you can be happy without anyone, until you can bring happiness, instead of dissatisfactions and hope, into a new relationship.
Notice that I don't admire either man and I've never met them. In other words, you have trashed them behind their backs. Friends are supposed to share problems with friends; however, it must be done with the intention to resolve them, not have the same one the next day, else it's a dump, it invalidates the friend. I recommend that you print out our comms and show them to both men.
Not to worry. You're right on track, this is all stuff most learned during K-12.