Can I return love and attraction to my husband?

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lostgirl
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:47 am

Can I return love and attraction to my husband?

Postby lostgirl » Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:58 am

Dear Gabby: I’m married for 25 years and I think have a quite good marriage. Me and my husband are good friends, do many things together and share similar lifestyle. My husband was my first and only sexual partner. I was brought up in a family with strict rules that taught me that the only way to have sex is after the marriage. At that time (being 18 ) I had an impression that sex is something that men invented to satisfy themselves and all you get is babies, so had no expectations about that part of the marriage. I think sex was ok at the beginning (but I don’t remember having orgasm), but about 10 years ago all my desire slowly disappeared. My husband is still sexually very active and he was starting to get upset with me not wanting it. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I tried different things – pills, meditation, acupuncture… Lately I've noticed that my body wants to have sex, but when I have it with my husband I still feel unsatisfied. Even when he goes on for longer time I’m just getting tired and waiting for him to finish.

About a year ago I met another man. We became friends first and then fell in love with each other. We ended up having an affair. My reaction to his touch completely surprised me. I was shaking with desire. We can kiss for hours. The sex was unbelievable and I was ready to do it every day. He loves me and wants me to be with him. I love him too. But sex is not a main thing. We enjoy every minute we spend together and with him I feel comfortable and calm.

I told my husband all about it and said that I want to leave. He was devastated and even though I was under impression that he is not that happy with me (he criticized me a lot for different things), he told me that he loves me deeply wants us to stay together and try to recover our relationship.

My husband is a good man and I don’t want to hurt him again with failed attempt. Will it be possible to fall back in love with my husband again and is it possible to return physical attraction or it is better just take a chance and move on with the person I love already? —Lostgirl

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Can I return love and attraction to my husband?

Postby Gabby » Sat Oct 05, 2013 1:43 pm

Hi Lostgirl,

Thanks for reaching out.

I see now that I need to include the instruction, "Please don't post relationship questions until you have completed your clearings." Mo betta you wait until you've completed your five clearings before replying to this reply. Your communications/concerns will be from a different space after clearing. For me to continue interacting with (coaching you) I need to know that you're intent on restoring and maintaining your integrity. Else, I become an enabler of the abuse you're inflicting upon your husband and of enabling your lover's deceit (I'm assuming your lover hasn't been in communication with your husband). That is to say, you must be willing to complete your present messy relationships. It's great that you're handing this openly with your husband. Normally I'd advise you to show both men our comms (so that we're not talking behind their backs) however, it's possible that one of them could read a clearing of yours before I could "get" and delete it. You could ask me to delete this post and the reply thereby avoiding any trace of you with Gabby so as to share The Clearing Process with them, however, you'd first have to do the process yourself using an alias. Keep in mind it could trigger upset and anger towards me. I think the ideal is to simply share from memory this reply with both of them.

I'm concerned that you attracted someone who supported you in deceiving your husband. You're assuming your lover will suddenly become a person of integrity once he's with you. His out-integrity with you is merely one of a lifetime of unacknowledged perpetrations. His lack of compassion for a fellow male begs humbling. That is to say, he has yet to crash and burn. He hasn't experienced the consequences of supporting another (you) in deception for personal pleasure or, for sabotaging another's marriage; when he does crash he'll take those around him down with him. He has in fact mastered an integrity-act when he's with you; once he "wins" you he'll have to learn how to communicate supportively (in a way that everyone wins).

Notice your husband's pattern of blaming you for his inability to get into communication with you so as to discover the source of his sex problem with you. He honestly thinks that this breakdown in communication is because of you rather than a consequence of his own out-integrity and his own leadership-communication skills.

Re: "I’m just getting tired and waiting for him to finish." Notice, that you don't communicate from your experience, "Hey, this isn't feeling good. I'm uncomfortable. Let's talk." Instead, you set him up to be a failure. This is abusive of you.

The leadership-communication skills you brought to your marriage will not serve you in any relationship in terms of achieving and maintaining happiness, success, and health. Notice your point of view: "About a year ago I met another man. We became friends first and then fell in love with each other. We ended up having an affair." A person who communicates responsibly would have written: [About a year ago I seduced a man. I decided to have sex with him knowing full well it would hurt my husband. Worse yet, to make my husband wrong, I intended that the sex be satisfying.]

It appears that you are attributing the "unbelievable" sex with your new friend to his abilities (his intercourse skills) rather than your own intention. If the unbelievable-sex were truly co-created you'd be able to teach your husband how to pleasure you. You have been programmed to communicate your dissatisfactions non-verbally. It's called dramatizing an upset, always a less-than-satisfying communication.

You ask, "Will it be possible to fall back in love with my husband . . ." I don't get that you have ever experienced love with him. Something? Yes. Love no. Whatever it was at the beginning wasn't love. Love just doesn't take place when there is deceit (withholds) in the space. Love always happens when communication takes place. So, yes, you can create an experience of love with your husband however, it doesn't mean that you'll have to stay married with him. Keep in mind that he has been as unconscious about communication as have you. You both have mastered talking which always produces these kinds of problems. If I were him I'd have to be willing to acknowledge that I was so unconscious, so out-integrity, that couldn't get your withholds, that I drove you into another's arms. I assure you he is withholding deal-breaking thoughts with you. Withholders always always attract withholders.

Re: ". . . try to recover our relationship. " Not advised. Recovering something that wasn't satisfying will result in more of the same. What's needed is to create a new relationship, one founded upon integrity, open honest and spontaneous communication—zero withholds. And, it doesn't necessarily mean that you must stay together, just that you both commit to each others happiness. By the way, what both men are calling love ain't it. Supporting deceit doesn't produce love. Wanting to change another isn't love. Blaming another for my inability to sexually satisfy them, ain't love. Notice that your husband is not asking someone, "What am I doing that's producing these results with my wife?"

If I were you, I'd have to be willing to acknowledge that I set up my husband to beg me to stay. If you stay, he won't be certain you stayed because you conned him into dumping a guilt trip on you, or if it was your choice. Presently you're not in choice, you're reacting to life's circumstances rather than choosing your ideal life.

That's it for now. More to come.

Kerry

lostgirl
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:47 am

Re: Can I return love and attraction to my husband?

Postby lostgirl » Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:03 am

Hi Kerry,
Thank you for your response. I did complete my five clearings and I do feel better with getting things out, but it doesn't change my situation. You are mentioning lots of communication. Well, I can tell you that I am very open with the both men in my life and they both know what is going on, so no, I'm not withholding.
I did say "Hey, this isn't feeling good. I'm uncomfortable. Let's talk" but the only answer I've got was that it is all in my head and before I had experience with someone else I was completely sure that there was something wrong with me.
I also do not put anything into the other man abilities because both of them are doing pretty much the same thing. It is how my body responds to it is very different and I'm not sure that is is me choosing it to be that way.
And the last one, there was no deceit in my life with my husband. We always shared our thoughts and every time I was happy or not happy with something he did, I let him know. The problem was that he didn't do anything to change what made me unhappy, so to avoid conflicts I started to avoid situations that lead to conflicts and our life become more stable. The price for it was that I had to be aware and control what I'm saying or doing to do not fire the conflict.
I absolutely didn't want my husband to beg me to stay. When I told him, I expected the opposite, because he criticized me quite often and I thought that he will seize the opportunity to find somebody who suites him better. Him begging me to stay created moral dilemma for me and is very difficult. Now he changed completely and showing me how he loves me. He accepted being responsible of what happened as well (not just blaming me) and stopped doing things that made me unhappy (unfortunately a bit late). He looks good and fit, but I do not feel physical attraction, nor my body responds to his touch. I also don't feel comfortable and relaxed when I'm with him. We have long history together and I do respect him in many ways and this is why I want to give us a chance, but on the other side if there is no hope I don't want to extend the agony.
This is why I asked my question. Is there any hope it will come back? I'm not looking for judgment (you are pretty good at this, I've noticed from the first response) but for help and maybe solution from person who has better experience on relationships than I do.
Thank you,

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Can I return love and attraction to my husband?

Postby Gabby » Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:34 pm

Hi Lostgirl,

It doesn't appear that you have your husband's permission to be dating your boyfriend, therefore, you are abusing your husband; premeditated abuse generates its own set of consequences, first affecting one's aliveness, one's happiness, and eventually one's health —ultimately, the happiness and health of those with whom they relate. It's referred to as taking everyone down with you.

If as a child you held in the back of your mind that cheating was acceptable then all along, all these years, you have been reaping the consequences of your warped sense of ethics.

I trust you can see that your boyfriend is out-integrity to be dating another man's wife without his specific permission. A man of integrity would not be dating another's wife. One of our support group agreements is that one must ask, up front, "Is there anyone who would be upset if we dated?" A man who is incomplete searches out a woman who is unhappy and incomplete, one who needs help.

Your boyfriend is running his loving act on you. A truly loving person would not inflict such misery on a fellow man. We know that what you (and both men) are calling love ain't it. Love always always produces the experience of exhilaration and happiness. Myself, I'm driven to share my loving friends with each other; you on the other hand, keep them away from each other, both selfishly wanting to keep you for themselves.

Your husband does not love you. Love is doing what it takes to support another's happiness. i.e. "If you want to go then please do. I'll be OK." You appear to being trying to make life miserable enough for him, setting it up for him to eventually initiate the divorce. That either man would continue to date you reveals that they too are out-integrity.

I trust you can see that you are hanging out with someone addicted to abuse. i.e. ". . . it is all in my head . . ." someone who can't see that he is invalidating you, blaming you, making you wrong. What's worse, you both intend, and put up with, it; this reveals the lie, you saying you want to be happy.

Please re-read The Clearing Process (Instructions and Sample Clearing) and do five more clearings. I say this because you are not in present-time; you have not shared all of life's perpetrations, especially your latest perpetrations, abuses. i.e. "I abused my husband this morning by continuing to see my boyfriend so as to ensure he remains less-than-satisfied in our relationship for another 24-hrs." "I dumped this extramarital problem in my husband's space yet another day knowing it upsets him." "I abused my boyfriend this morning because I continue to hold on to him rather than set him free to find a happy person." "I was rude to someone yesterday." Your machinations haven't cost you enough yet. You seduce your husband into wanting sex and then intend that it doesn't feel good. This is abusive of you. A person of integrity would say, "No. not now. Let's talk." That you would set it up for him to continue to manipulate you into having sex, him knowing it doesn't feel good to you, is abusive; you are both still having high school sex instead of exquisite intercourse. A man of integrity can tell when a woman wants sex because she initiates it.

I'd recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial but you can't be living (interacting with) someone equally abusive. I recommend that you look for a mental health professional, one who is clear about responsibility, one who will not accept you as a client until you agree to not see one or the other man. Keep in mind, a significant difference between a communication skills coach and most mental health professionals is that most therapists unconsciously intend that you have the same problem (but always getting better) the next session, so that they can continue to survive financially.

No one can succeed with you until you restore your integrity, till then you'll take everyone down with you. Please don't post here again until you can say that you are willing to stop controlling men, keeping them and yourself incomplete and unhappy. You have no business being in any personal relationship until you can be happy without anyone, until you can bring happiness, instead of dissatisfactions and hope, into a new relationship.

Notice that I don't admire either man and I've never met them. In other words, you have trashed them behind their backs. Friends are supposed to share problems with friends; however, it must be done with the intention to resolve them, not have the same one the next day, else it's a dump, it invalidates the friend. I recommend that you print out our comms and show them to both men.

Not to worry. You're right on track, this is all stuff most learned during K-12.

With aloha,

Gabby


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