Confused and Mislead

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Confused and Mislead

Postby husbyfam1on2s » Wed Jun 08, 2011 2:44 am

Dear Gabby,
I have been ask to served as a hostess at my husband first cousin wedding reception. I told her yes I would not really thinking about the job that a hostess does. Now, the cousin has invited the family to the wedding/reception to sit down for family dinner and my husband is furious because he says that she is treating me like trash. Well better yet like I don't belong in the family. We have been married for over 15 years. I bought the outfit but my husband returned it. Then to make this story even worst she has been having rehearsals dinner and a bridal shower party that I never knew anything about. I just received a call a couple of days ago from an outsider to learn where the wedding will be held and I still have not been told where the reception will take place. The wedding is soon so I am just trying to get some feedback on what you think about this situation. :P :?:

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Re: Confused and Mislead

Postby Gabby » Wed Jun 08, 2011 1:24 pm

Hi Confused and mislead:

Several things come to mind.

I can’t sign a loan for a car and then not make payments because I later realized I shouldn’t have bought it. I’m still bound by my agreement however unconscious I may have been.

That being said, it’s possible, but tricky, to ask her to renegotiate or even release you from the agreement. I say tricky because you’ll have to be willing to take a, “No. You promised” reply. In other words, to ask you’ll have to pre-process either a yes or no reply and, not dramatize upset if she holds you to your agreement. You’d have to be certain that you are truly asking (giving her the space to say yes or no) else it comes across as pressure and manipulation—counting on her to give in even though you know it will upset and inconvenience her. Another option is to unilaterally break the agreement—providing you're willing to reap the karma; it automatically grants others the option of breaking agreements with you. In other words, agreement breakers have a certain aura that automatically attracts similar cons.

You could tell her that you were unaware of exactly what she wanted you to do which is true. It could be said that she conned you without making it clear how she wanted to use you. However, the truth is you were unconsious (out-integrity) and so you weren't awake enough to ask the particulars.

Being out of the loop for rehearsals etc., reveals that there are several incompletes in your relationship with her. Friends who are whole and complete just don’t treat each other as she is you. This breakdown in communication, these incompletes you have with her are getting in the way of you being clear, here and now, else you would have spontaneously handled all this during her invitation call.

More importantly, and what I sense this is really about, is your relationship with your husband. You both are dramatizing withholds you have with each other.

Re: “. . . my husband is furious because he says that she is treating me like trash.” What’s true is your husband is/was furious—but, it’s not about what he says it is. It's about an earlier and similar incident. What’s important is your experience and whether or not you experienced being used. He has several incompletes with you having to do with respect; therefore he can’t respect you or your decisions. You’ve set him up to control you and this can’t work for another 15 years. Women who’ve been in your shoes can readily see that he is addicted to controlling you and that you’ve lost yourself to his demands. It’s no longer service but servitude. And, ". . . but my husband returned it." This is a blame statement. You control him by submitting to his demands.

He should have called and communicated his upset to her face rather than badmouth her behind her back.

Have you given thought to the possibility that you've been unconsciously masterminding a divorce?

You might get value from reading: #25 Wedding 'hostess' worked too hard, bails / Hostess sets up bride to complete previous upset

With aloha, Gabby

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