My girlfriend doesn't love me anymore, what do i do.

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Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:07 pm

My girlfriend doesn't love me anymore, what do i do.

Postby rob64 » Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:21 pm

dear gabby,

recently things have been rocky with my girlfriend i've been with for almost 2 years now. she has been distant, and i can tell she gets kinda annoyed when i try to make her laugh. also we have not been intimate very much, maybe a couple times a month, and when we do i basically have to beg for it. i decided to look into her phone a week ago and i noticed a message between her and a friend where she tells the friend that she doesn't find me attractive anymore, and that she feels trapped but doesn't want to break up because i dont deserve it. i do alot for this girl, i pay for everything, i push her to accomplish all she can, she's going back to school because i pushed her to do so. honestly im never mean to her and would do anything to make her happy, i am head over heals in love with her. a little background on this, im a heavy man, i always have been, in fact i was heavier when we met and fell in love than i am now. but i confronted her about the message and she cried and said she had a moment of weakness but she loves me, she seems to mean it but i can still feel a little distance between us. i've been considering breaking up with her so she doesn't feel trapped and she can go on to be happy. but then again i want her to be with me, im also the only guy she has ever been intimate with so the thought of another man coming along and being with her just kills me inside. i dont know what to do, part of me wants to save this relationship, i've already started a new diet and exercise regimen to get in shape and hopefully become more attractive. but part of me wants to let her go and be happy, but she says she is happy with me. so im at a real crossroads here. what should i do? i have thought about sitting her down and telling her that she can make a choice of being with me, or leaving, no hard feelings. but i dont want to lose her, but i want her to be happy. but i feel like she is the best i'll ever have and i dont want to lose that. what should i do?

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Re: My girlfriend doesn't love me anymore, what do i do.

Postby Gabby » Tue Mar 15, 2011 12:13 am

Hi rob64,

There’s not much you need to do. You’ve got a good grasp of most of the factors. It’s all over but the drama. Why? Because you have yet to learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, no significant thoughts withheld. Also, you have yet to learn how to be a safe space for her to tell the truth. You’ve perfected a “needy” act and so she has fear in her relationship with you, she’s afraid to tell you certain truths. You have in fact mastered talking which generates these kinds of problems and dissatisfactions. The next curriculum for you is communication. Communication would have resolved this without having to write for advice.

What’s also true is that the woman you believe you want would not be attracted to you because of your sneakiness (it's an aura thing that a woman of integrity can detect in a nano-second). i.e. “i decided to look into her phone.” An adult committed to integrity has completed his/her penchant for sneakiness during childhood. I suspect you never stood a chance with her because she intuited that you still held the option of sneaking. No doubt you have other perpetrations that you haven’t shared with her. BTW: Sneaky always always attracts sneaky. That is to say, she is withholding certain thoughts from you; more specifically, you both withheld significant thoughts from each other on your very first date revealing that neither of you are committed to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant withholds.

Re: “i do alot for this girl, i pay for everything.” How can she possibly respect (love) you knowing that you buy her love. It's called control. Your parents were supposed to have taught you about Dutch Treating. You don’t treat her with respect. I assure you she is totally capable of carrying her own weight financially, though definitely not around you. She can’t even respect herself knowing she’s using you. What you have is two users using each other; there’s nothing wrong with this providing you both acknowledge that you’re using each other until it doesn’t work anymore. As some level you know that it was irresponsible of you to seduce a woman who was not your equal, one who had yet to demonstrate an ability to succeed without the help of a male. Perhaps you're not ready to date a mature peer.

You’ve attracted a girl you can manipulate. You hold yourself to be superior to her, that she needs to be “pushed.” A mature woman is self-motivated, whereas, a girl stuck in teen-hood cons an immature male into “helping” her. Helping another creates dependency, resentment, and disrespect.

Re: “i am head over heals in love with her.” This ain’t love. Love is a mutually supportive experience—there's no doubt in the relationship. Trying to change her, to make her mo betta, more educated, is not love.

Re: “she cried and said she . . . she loves me.” Yes, but it’s not the kind of love you’re looking for. Her “love” causes you worry and doubt. I suspect there’s some pity attached to it, feeling sorry for you.

Re: “she says she is happy with me.” Of course, who wouldn’t be happy with free lunches while they get their feet on the ground?

To have the relationship you say you want you have to be willing to not have it at all times. You’ll never feel good about yourself knowing you’re conning her into saying what you want to hear.

I’m not advising you break up with her, merely to observe your behaviors so that you arrive at having a choice to complete the relationship.

You’re doing fine, a bit of a late bloomer but still, this stuff is necessary in the relationship-mastery game; it’s stuff many learn during high school dating. These are the kinds of conversations (my gf doesn't love me, etc.) teens are supposed to have with parents; you’d do well to focus on completing your relationship with your parents.

Re: "...the only guy she has ever been intimate with...' Is it possible you're reaping the karma of having conned her into deceiving her parents so as to have sex with you? My research shows that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that most of those couples conned each other into deceiving both sets of parents, oblivious of the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes.

I recommend that you do The Clearing Process. Then invite her to do it so that you both can do The Clearing Process for Couples —you'll both experience a transformation in the relationship. Keep in mind your present leadership-communication skills may cause her to decline your invitation. Put another way, if you decline my invitation then predictably she would decline yours.

BTW: I recommend you follow your advice to her and go back to school so as to continue with your communication mastery curriculum, also, your small “i”s are stylish but disrespectful, as is not spell-checking.


Last edited 1/31/18

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