Stuck in the middle with her...

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Gabby
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Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Stuck in the middle with her...

Postby Gabby » Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:35 pm

Hi dg2383,

Thank you for the nice acknowledgment.

Given that you appreciate candor I’ll jump right in with a few observations.

Your post contains several lies. This of itself is normal and natural; the problem is that you couldn’t see them when you wrote them nor could you see them when you re read your post before sending it. This reveals that you are unconscious and had no choice but to trash your wife. If you’ll allow that all lies, even the unconscious one have an undesirable effect then you’ll begin to see that your integrity has been out.

For example:

Re: “…for what my wife does would be closest to "passive-aggressive." This is a blaming lie and a make-wrong. The word "does" implies that you’re not the cause of what you cause her to do. The truth is that you, using your leadership-communication skills, cause her to thwart and resist you.

Re: “She said she went to therapy just because I told her to do it.” She lied. You can’t see or hear it because you have so many similar unacknowledged lies, that is to say, you have been unconscious.

Re: “I never "told" her to do it, but explained to her that there is nothing to loose and everything to gain from it.” Another lie. “Told” no, communicated yes.” Using your leadership-communication skills you manipulated her into doing therapy. She didn’t experience it as her choice. For this she still resents you.

Re: “If she does not want to be happy,..” This is another lie. I’m certain if I asked her if she wanted to be happy I’d get a different answer.

Re: “…to being very well aware…” This is relative. Once you make the jump from not-knowing to knowing you’ll see that “very well aware” is the same as somewhat pregnant. I could get, “more aware.”

Re: “...has made zero progress.” Not possible. In a personal relationship both cause the other to grow, to plateau, or to crash and burn. One cannot grow while the other remains static. You’ve unconsciously been intent on being right that she’s sicker than you and so she’s been doing what she can to make sure you’re right. Findings in quantum mechanics have proven that the observer determines the outcome. Newton said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In this matter you have been cause. My sense is that soon you'll realize that you have been masterminding a divorce.

Re: “...that there is nothing to loose and everything to gain from it.” Another lie. She knows this is a lie. She has everything to lose; I’m referring to her mind. If she surrendered to the healing process it would blow her mind. First off she’d dump you in a nano-second. Why? Because she’d know with certainty that she could never change you and that you were merely an essential part of the communication mastery curriculum en route to enlightenment. Again, she’s waiting for you the leader to demonstrate that therapy works. Conversely, you're afraid to let go for fear of the unknown, of surrendering control. Notice how you've cleaverly (albeit unconsciously) chosen therapists whom you could con—non clear about responsibility. You can't grow any further using your present communication skills, and, she doesn't respect (trust) you enough to surrender. Put another way, you simply don't inspire harmony.

Re: “...weapons she uses against me.” Another lie. You have set it up for her to communicate as she has to you. You present yourself as the poor victim. How could she possibly respect and admire you; you blame her for the results you produce with your leadership-communication skills. This incessant non-verbal (I’m not as messed up as you) brainwashing you exude most likely has driven her to the brink of sanity.

Re: “...sucked (if it did not, I would not be with her in the first place)” Another lie. You magnetically attracted someone who could and would mirror your sickness (which includes focusing on her sickness so that you don’t have to work as hard on healing yourself). You are perfectly matched; you both are equally in need of coaching on divorcing harmoniously.

Re: “…am trying my best to make sure his does not.” It’s too late, he’s already damaged. He’s incredibly confused as to his cause in what's been going on between you two, who is right and wrong, who starts the fights, and what is and isn’t abuse. No one has modeled for him how to clean up an abusive communication. Presently he’s program to attract a life-partner who is either like you or your wife or not like you or your wife. You have taught him to blame and lie; worse yet, you have taught him to put up with abuse.

Re: “...she has a fantastic "talent" to ruin a good day or a good event.” More blame. And who’s been supporting this abuse? You’ll know your cause in the matter if you submit your son to another 24 hours of these machinations.

Re: “If by some crazy accident I was to get our son to live with me, it would be almost ideal,” Not so. You, needing your daily fix of abuse from a sparring partner, would eventually start trying to change him. In other words, you'd bring with you the same communication model that starts arguments and then blames the other for starting them.
Your wife can no more change than you can stop trying to change her.

The solution: You’re not ready to do what it would take to have an abuse-free personal relationship. It hasn't gotten bad enough. Most people set it up for a circumstance, an illness, an accident, imprisonment, or even death, to effect a change. You can however start saving some money to help defray your son’s therapy costs when he moves always from the both of you; it's what your parents should have done for you. It's a responsible communication, of cause

Thanks you so much for writing and especially for permission to reply without nonsense.

With aloha,

Gabby

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Stuck in the middle with her...

Postby Gabby » Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:40 pm

Hi dg2383,

You're welcome. I get your upset.

Your arguments reveal that you are stuck in wanting to be right and in making others wrong; it's an addiction, every bit as debilitating as alcohol. We're dealing with your problem now, we can address my faults later.

There’s a communication model in which you would intend for me to say something and instead of arguing you’d look to find the truth in it; it often takes a while to let it sink in. ""H'm, why would I set up Gabby to say that at this time in my life when I'm requestiong support?" Remember, your mind is programmed to protect its point of view.

Re: “...but one always does so in the opposite direction from the first one, are they both equally responsible for not getting anywhere?” No. Depending upon how powerful you're willing to be, just you. Or, you can continue to lie saying that your communications have absolutely no effect on the well-being of others. You have a misunderstanding about the definition of the word responsibility.

For example:

Re: “I do not teach my son to blame and lie, she does.” This is both a lie and a blame statement. You already have condoned her treatment of your son and now you empower and blame her. Someone truly committed to harmony would have already removed their son from such an influence, immediately, after the first unresolved incident of abuse or invalidation. A responsible statement would be, “Something about my leadership-communication skills supports her in abusing our son, and, I’m stuck blaming her for my inability to effect a change. What is about me that’s causing (intending) this result?”

Re: “I would much more appreciate explanations,” Yes, I get this; except that your mind has most likely read a lot about this topic and yet other’s explanations have only produced more of the same. My replies are not for your mind. Once you've read a reply it's too late, it already has triggered a response and an experience; any truths will take effect. Not to worry, any BS will disappear. The process is referred to as experiential discovery-learning. You will get my communications, if not today, then some time down the road. Presently you are more committed to being right, to arguing, than in producing the results you say you want. My replies are to be experienced, to be-with, rather than to find fault and pump out a knee-jerk reply. Instead of arguing, the value from our interactions is created by choosing to be upset until the upset dissolves. Just as when you brilliantly set up your wife to say something that triggers upset, instead of fulfilling her prediction of goading you into a condescending abusive reply, remain silent and experience the experience of choosing to be upset. Resistance is futile.

Please don’t post again until you have done five clearings, one per day for five days in a row The Clearing Process.

I suspect it will be extremely difficult to resist the urge to pump out another reply so as to feel somewhat better. This time don’t. Prove to me that you can choose to be upset without the need to get in the last word.

Do show your wife our communications.

With aloha,

Gabby

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Stuck in the middle with her...

Postby Gabby » Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:43 pm

dg2383 posted a request to remove identifying information. I have left the substance of the thread for others to see themselves as one or more of the people in the situation.

Gabby


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