Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Post your own question to Dear Gabby
cintigal2001
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Sep 03, 2010 5:10 am

Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby cintigal2001 » Fri Sep 03, 2010 5:48 am

My brother married this 'woman' (for a lack of better words) back in '03. The family shunned her immediately as she is this uneducated, trailer dwelling, unfit mother (she had lost custody of her 3 children). So my brother marries her, moves her out of the trailer she was living in which was her Aunts. He goes thru the legal proceedings to get custody back of her children, she wins, they move into a $400k home in Ohio. I was the first of the family to befriend her, giving her a chance instead of basing my opinion on hear-say.

My brother wife and I spent time together and time with my children when my brother would go off to training for the military or college. So after much time spent with her, i started seeing her always flirting with guys and making inuendos. May i add, she is a near 40 year old woman, who dresses as if she were 18. short mini skirts, low cut tops to bring attention to her breast augmentation, very very heavy make-up and high heels is her usual, daily, errand running outfits. So after these observations i made mention to my family & brother, but no one cared and laughed it off as "she was being silly"; so one evening my brother invited me over and asked me to giver her a make over as he is a well respected Officer in the Army, a police man and good standing respected citizen. She looks like a prostitute. (his words) so i come over and try to 'help' her and tone it down. In the process, she closes the bedroom door, proceeds to reveal her breasts to me asks me if i want to caress them.... i decline, then she gets a shoebox out of photos, and the were nudes of herself. Very intimate nudes and asked me if her & i could be lovers and not tell my brother. So out of loyalty, i told him. He said he would confront her.

That confrontation was 6 years ago.... she denied it all and forbid him to speak to me or she would clean him out financially. The other part of this problem is that she has manipulated herself into my family and put a wedge with my other siblings. MY family will not call her or out or speak up to her as they fear losing my brother. Ive made numerous attempts of contacting him with no success.

So i just found out, that my family had a big going away party for my brother. He went to war in Iraq.... and NO ONE CALLED ME OR TOLD ME. Mind you, this is my ONLY flesh and blood i have left. There is that possibility i could never see him again. All b/c his wife forbid him to talk to me or see me due to what happened years ago. Which i simply cannot forgive.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby Gabby » Fri Sep 03, 2010 1:10 pm

Hi cintigal2001,

Given that you haven’t asked Gabby a question or asked for advice I’ll just comment on what you’ve provided.

My first hit is that this is but one more of several wake-up calls prodding you along on your path to enlightenment. Hanging out (interacting/relating) with people who don’t trust, respect, or value you, is unhealthy; that game can’t produce the results you believe you want. You can’t heal by hanging around them nor can they heal with you in their lives. You all require each others abusive machinations to make it through each day. How they all are treating you is abusively invalidating and how you have been goading them to treat you this way is equally abusive and cause for their abuse. Notice how right you get to be that she, he, and they are cause for this mess? You are stuck in blame for which there are undesirable consequences.

We’ll begin with the fact that your present leadership-communication skills foment thwarting and divisiveness; you don’t inspire harmony and happiness. To get to the source of what this is about you’ll have to be willing to look and see what was going on between you and your family, specifically your brother, before he even met her. What must you have done to warrant your family and brother’s distrust of your word over hers? What you’re looking for is an incident after which things were never the same. It might not be an easy incident to recall. It has a topic, a date, a place, and a less-than-satisfying outcome; in communication coaching it’s referred to as an incomplete. Quite often the mind will hide such an incident so that it doesn’t have to acknowledge its cause, and the subsequent consequences in the matter.

You are now at the very same fork in the road you were several years ago. Once again you have a choice, to continue interacting with people who don’t value you or not. Back then you made family, or lodging, or something more important than your integrity, your happiness.

Nothing in your letter defines your problem. You have yet to consciously make a choice to not hang around people addicted to abusing and being abused. You can’t change them and they sure as heck aren’t open to your support. Actually that’s not accurate; your present support skills cause undesirable results. There are other support skills that effect harmony.

Your letter reveals that you have been stuck in blaming and abusive slanderous make-wrongs. Even after you wrote your letter you couldn’t see that you were maligning her. In truth you didn’t have a choice; you’ve become addicted to communicating from condescension and self-righteousness. You can’t begin to produce favorable results interacting with your family and they can’t heal with you in their lives.

Re: “$400k home” and “well respected Officer in the Army, a police man…” Something doesn’t sound right. Perhaps your family has money and co-signed his house loan? A $400k house for a middle-ranking officer raises questions.

I have no advice because I don’t yet have any sense that you’re ready to effect a transformation; we’re talking about a new direction, a new set of friends and supporters (see estrangement).

With aloha,

Gabby

cintigal2001
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Sep 03, 2010 5:10 am

Re: Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby cintigal2001 » Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:00 am

I have rolled over and played dead (for a lack of better words) for years now. Ive tolerated her, and bit my tongue to avoid any family disturbance. Ive pleaded with my family over the years to help re-unite us, as my own attempted efforts to communicate with him via email. Also at my sisters wedding i tried to approach him to hug him, and his wife was watching so he kinda acted like he didnt know me, and earlier this year at my other brothers funeral, the same happened. A tid bit i want to add is at my other brothers funeral, the slide show that was played (thats supposed to be of the deceased and his lifetime memories, was full of pictures of her posing, pictures with her and her dog and her kids, that are not by my brother).

My family has tried to keep the peace and are too afraid to stand up to her and concede with all she does. They have enabled her and aided in the division. Ive bit my tongue and rolled with it all.

So, after finding out he went to Iraq, and not one of my family members attempted to inform me, or even take a second to call me; ive decided to cut all them out of my life and my childrens lives. I agree it is a very abusive situation, on both ends. But up until now ive done nothing to put my foot down to prove a point. My point isnt really about being right or wrong, its about blood... and recognizing family is a unit that should not be broken by an outside force. Ive missed out on 6 years of seeing my brother and talking to him (we were best friends before her). My family also sneaks my children over there when i take them to my step moms for the weekend so they can spend time with her; she takes my children around his wife and my brother and they spend the night, however, im not allowed to see my brother out of fear by him of losing all his financial gain. I think he should be able to have a relationship with me outside of her. I was posed to endure what i could not forgive........and dealt with it, until i was informed he left for Iraq w/o a goodbye.

Is shunning my family, ceasing all communication until they acknowledge a good way of making them see all the indirect negative affects this has caused? Ultimately she is to blame, my loyalty was to tell my brother, i accept her and I cannot ever have a relationship, but with my brother i should and he should be able to come see me without her up his butt.

What is a reasonable resolution to this problem?

Most people that know the story & situation are in awe as most cant fathom the idea of this womans control & manipulations within the family circle.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby Gabby » Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:54 am

Hi cintigal2001,

Re: “Is shunning my family, ceasing all communication until they acknowledge a good way of making them see all the indirect negative affects this has caused?” No. Estranging yourself from them merely guarantees you that you will not submit yourself to their abuse. Estrangement allows you to see your cause in the abuse. If/when abuse starts up again in your new relationships then you’ll know for certain that you were the cause of the abuse within your family. They may never ever opt to get therapy or seek advice as to how they drove you out of their life. For you to live in hope, hoping they will suddenly stop communicating abusively, is not healthy. Remember, your leadership communication skills do not inspire others to treat you with respect. They have no choice but to react the way they do.

Re: “My point isn't really about being right or wrong,” This is a lie. Even unconscious lies have undesirable consequences. You want to be right that “it’s about blood... and recognizing family is a unit that should not be broken by an outside force.” When you make another (them) wrong it triggers thwarting and resentment.

Re: “Ultimately she is to blame.” Blaming someone else for the results your leadership communication skills produce is both irresponsible and unethical. A responsible statement would be "I'm willing to look and see how I caused this whole mess, how I caused her to behave as she has."

You ask, “What is a reasonable resolution to this problem?” There is no reasonable solution, not as long as you continue to interact with any of them. "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." ~George Bernard Shaw

You can’t begin to have an abuse-free day until you stop lying. You say you want an abuse-free day yet you continue to interact with people who enable and empower the abuse; you and your family members are addicted to abusing and being abused. Even if you estranged yourself from everyone you'd still need your fix of adrenaline that comes from these abusive interactions, but only then could you begin to have choices. If you continue to put your hand in a viper's den you will keep getting bit.

Do show this thread to everyone.

With aloha,

Gabby

cintigal2001
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Sep 03, 2010 5:10 am

Re: Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby cintigal2001 » Wed Sep 08, 2010 6:14 am

I appreciate your advice and you have enlightened me a lot on this topic. Though I may have some minor arguments with some things you stated, but i must say you are brilliant. I deal with very sharp legal minds & therapists, psycholigists and counselors due to being in the legal field. You are very sharp.

Thank you for doing what you are. Its much appreciated!

Signature changed to (cintigal2001) by Gabby on 9/8/10

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Family betrayal- Brother left for Iraq

Postby Gabby » Wed Sep 08, 2010 12:03 pm

Hi cintigal2001,

Thank you for the nice acknowledgment.

If you were doing one of our tutorials I'd ask you to share the "minor arguments." I'd like to know so that I don't unnecessarily trigger arguments with others. However, you're not at all obliged to continue with further discussions.

I know you would get value from doing The Clearing Process it's free and it works.

With aloha,

Kerry

P.S. One way to anchor in the value we've co-created is to make a small donation $2, $5, $10. A donation supports us in sharing our experiences with others.


Return to “Ask Gabby your own question”

cron