Given that you haven’t asked Gabby a question or asked for advice I’ll just comment on what you’ve provided.
My first hit is that this is but one more of several wake-up calls prodding you along on your path to enlightenment. Hanging out (interacting/relating) with people who don’t trust, respect, or value you, is unhealthy; that game can’t produce the results you believe you want. You can’t heal by hanging around them nor can they heal with you in their lives. You all require each others abusive machinations to make it through each day. How they all are treating you is abusively invalidating and how you have been goading them to treat you this way is equally abusive and cause for their abuse. Notice how right you get to be that she, he, and they are cause for this mess? You are stuck in blame for which there are undesirable consequences.
We’ll begin with the fact that your present leadership-communication skills foment thwarting and divisiveness; you don’t inspire harmony and happiness. To get to the source of what this is about you’ll have to be willing to look and see what was going on between you and your family, specifically your brother, before he even met her. What must you have done to warrant your family and brother’s distrust of your word over hers? What you’re looking for is an incident after which things were never the same. It might not be an easy incident to recall. It has a topic, a date, a place, and a less-than-satisfying outcome; in communication coaching it’s referred to as an incomplete
. Quite often the mind will hide such an incident so that it doesn’t have to acknowledge its cause, and the subsequent consequences in the matter.
You are now at the very same fork in the road you were several years ago. Once again you have a choice, to continue interacting with people who don’t value you or not. Back then you made family, or lodging, or something more important than your integrity, your happiness.
Nothing in your letter defines your problem. You have yet to consciously make a choice to not hang around people addicted to abusing and being abused. You can’t change them and they sure as heck aren’t open to your support. Actually that’s not accurate; your present support skills cause undesirable results. There are other support skills that effect harmony.
Your letter reveals that you have been stuck in blaming and abusive slanderous make-wrongs. Even after you wrote your letter you couldn’t see that you were maligning her. In truth you didn’t have a choice; you’ve become addicted to communicating from condescension and self-righteousness. You can’t begin to produce favorable results interacting with your family and they can’t heal with you in their lives.
Re: “$400k home” and “well respected Officer in the Army, a police man…” Something doesn’t sound right. Perhaps your family has money and co-signed his house loan? A $400k house for a middle-ranking officer raises questions.
I have no advice because I don’t yet have any sense that you’re ready to effect a transformation; we’re talking about a new direction, a new set of friends and supporters (see estrangement