I have been through therapy for the abuse I have suffered as a child from my parents and bad relationships. My first fiancee tried to kill me, my parents displayed uncontrolled fits of rage (which I am mindful in myself) including physical and verbal abuse, and now my brother knows he can do the same without any consequence. I am so scared of getting in relationships because the ones I have had have manifested this craziness. I tried meditation and counseling and I am now 38, single, no friends and now need to considering distance from my family. I am scared to reach out because I feel dictated by my abuse.
Nutshell, family manipulates and distortes lies, friends walked over me and took advantage, sibling took a knife out on me and tried to get my parents to disown me, and failed men relationships abusive in both physical and verbal.
I feel like their is nothing anymore for me, and my spirit is low. What I have wanted in life and what I have been able to manifest is saddening. It is like I think I have a few lego pieces missing. I have fought for justice for my wrongs but no one cares and they just say I am crazy and it never happened.
Yes you are right, I have in the madness and hurt fell to resorting to manipulation and lies and the result is a vicious circle.
You see I do not like feeling alone and I guess the denail of contnuing playing into the game keeps me from owning.
When I was a child, I thought once my extended relatives saw the abuse they would do something, and they never did. So, I realized I had to stand up for myself, but I really love these people but I am tired of the craziness. I tried boundaries and none and I still have hurt buttons that I will fly off into a phone rage.
When I stand back, I see the picture. I live alone with a dog and two cats. My parents have each other and my brother has his wife. I am so scared of any relationship because of what this abuse has taught me and what I still have in me.
I wish I could just drink the water and not even care.
I am so tired of this vicious cycle. It is like I can feel somewhere deep inside me that their is a better version of myself and life but I am afraid if I try I will even lose this feeling.