Stuck in a vicious circle...any hope?

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Stuck in a vicious circle...any hope?

Postby jacqueline » Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:03 pm

I have been through therapy for the abuse I have suffered as a child from my parents and bad relationships. My first fiancee tried to kill me, my parents displayed uncontrolled fits of rage (which I am mindful in myself) including physical and verbal abuse, and now my brother knows he can do the same without any consequence. I am so scared of getting in relationships because the ones I have had have manifested this craziness. I tried meditation and counseling and I am now 38, single, no friends and now need to considering distance from my family. I am scared to reach out because I feel dictated by my abuse.

Nutshell, family manipulates and distortes lies, friends walked over me and took advantage, sibling took a knife out on me and tried to get my parents to disown me, and failed men relationships abusive in both physical and verbal.

I feel like their is nothing anymore for me, and my spirit is low. What I have wanted in life and what I have been able to manifest is saddening. It is like I think I have a few lego pieces missing. I have fought for justice for my wrongs but no one cares and they just say I am crazy and it never happened.
Yes you are right, I have in the madness and hurt fell to resorting to manipulation and lies and the result is a vicious circle.

You see I do not like feeling alone and I guess the denail of contnuing playing into the game keeps me from owning.

When I was a child, I thought once my extended relatives saw the abuse they would do something, and they never did. So, I realized I had to stand up for myself, but I really love these people but I am tired of the craziness. I tried boundaries and none and I still have hurt buttons that I will fly off into a phone rage.

When I stand back, I see the picture. I live alone with a dog and two cats. My parents have each other and my brother has his wife. I am so scared of any relationship because of what this abuse has taught me and what I still have in me.

I wish I could just drink the water and not even care.
I am so tired of this vicious cycle. It is like I can feel somewhere deep inside me that their is a better version of myself and life but I am afraid if I try I will even lose this feeling.

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Re: Stuck in a vicious circle...any hope?

Postby Gabby » Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:55 pm

Hi jacqueline,

This might not be what you want to hear, but you appear to be right on track. You have a good understanding of what hasn't worked. And, this letter, you reaching out for support, is a perfect example of the kinds of communications you need to keep having. The more you talk about each incident the more you release the energy surrounding each incident. Practice describing each incident responsibly, zero blame, from cause.

Re: ". . . and now need to considering distance from my family." That you know this is great. Not to worry, you'll do it when it's time, most likely it hasn't gotten bad enough to take that final step to abuse-free relationships.

Some tips:

About estrangement vs distancing. Distancing doesn't work. Distancing implies that you'll continue to interact with them from time to time (i.e. car accidents, hospitalizations, any excuse the mind can manufacture). Each time you interact with any of them it takes you right back to where you were and undoes all the work you've done on yourself (read about recidivism).

Estrange from a position of service, meaning, don't just dump them and never talk with them again; instead, give each a way to get back into your life. Let each and everyone know (yes it must be everyone because they are presently all enablers) that you won't interact with them ever again until they can tell you they have completed 25-hours of counseling/therapy. Those that value you will allow you to support them, those that are on the way down will ignore your support.

Another tip: Don't start and then interact with them after saying you won't; to do so would just be one more failure in life. They will know if you're telling the truth, that you won't talk. . . only if you intend it. If you're lying they will pick up on it and con you into interacting with them.

Re: ". . . their is a better version of myself and life but I am afraid if I try I will even lose this feeling." Got the fear. You already know what it will be like if you keep doing more of the same.

I'd recommend that you do The Spouse Abuse Tutorial but it won't work until you've estranged yourself from those equally addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. Instead, I recommend that you do The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row (it's free). Please, don't post again until you have completed the five clearings, that will let me know you're supportable.

With aloha, Gabby

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