I think my Boyfriend is afraid to fall in love

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reneebaltimore
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:22 pm

I think my Boyfriend is afraid to fall in love

Postby reneebaltimore » Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:29 pm

Dear Gabby,

I've been dating my boyfriend for six months now, and about two months ago, I told him I loved him. He couldn't reply back and I was fine with it because I don't want him to tell me he loves me unless he truly means it and feels that way. But now that we're at six months of dating and being committed to me is not the issue, my own heart is starting to hurt everytime I tell him I love him and don't hear him say it back. He loves hearing me say it, and even asks me to tell him he loves me every now and then. He's also never told any other girlfriend he loves them. Although I know he deeply cares about me, it hurts to know he doesn't love me yet. Is staying in this relationship going to be more heartbreaking than ending it because it hurts too much to be in a loveless relationship?

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: I think my Boyfriend is afraid to fall in love

Postby Gabby » Sun Apr 04, 2010 4:56 pm

Hi reneebaltimore,

Such a great and valuable post. Here's three similar posts having to do with expressing love.

http://www.comcom121.org/gabby/newlets/newlet119.htm
http://www.comcom121.org/gabby/newlets/newlet95.htm
http://www.comcom121.org/gabby/newlets/newlet69.htm

Once you've read those replies then read the following.

Re: “He couldn't reply back and I was fine with it because I don't want him to tell me he loves me unless he truly means it and feels that way.” I'm not certain it was "fine." I suspect you were a little disappointed. If so, that disappointment got communicated non-verbally; it's even possible that it was interpreted as a sneaky manipulative trick which caused him to further entrenched himself in his own stuff. Love when "communicated" feels good and doesn't carry with it any expectation. Good feelings incorrectly interpreted to be love and expressed as "I love you" don't get experienced as love; he knows at some level that what you say isn't accurate, that it isn't love. I suspect you're the best he's ever had but he could unconsciously holding be holding out for the real deal because he intuits that love would set him free, it would inspire him to be all that he can be.

Three good indicators of a well grounded relationship:

    1) Have you introduced him to your parents? (sharing with them your excitement of finding him)
    2) Would your parents love him? (if not, they will unconsciously hex the relationship)
    3) Is he supporting you in deceiving your parents by having sex without their support? (Deceit of his parents or yours guarantees more deceit, an honorable man respects and supports other men)
Re: “. . . hurt every time I tell him I love him and don't hear him say it back.” This reveals that your, “I love you” is a covert command. i.e. Either you tell me you love me or I will be disappointed. Even though you don't verbalize this expectation it still gets communicated non-verbally. He has no choice but to mirror your addiction to manipulation and controlling.

Re: “. . . and even asks me to tell him he loves me every now and then.” I believe you mean, “. . . and even asks me to tell him I love him every now and then.” Have you asked him to tell you that he loves you? If yes, and he refuses, it reveals one problem. If you haven't asked him, for reasons, it reveals another problem. Both of these problems are your creation. First, it reveals that you've had no intention to get the answer you say you want. Secondly, no matter what you believe, you've been intent on creating doubt and being incomplete. This is a pattern you brought into the relationship. It has nothing to do with him, if not him you would have had to attract another controlling man to mirror for you your incomplete. Incomplete meaning, that this dance taking place between you is about an earlier similar incident in your life having to do with control. It also reveals that you have been lying to yourself. You say you want a verbally affectionate supportable man yet you attracted someone who is emotionally shut down and refuses to be guided by you. As he matures, so too will you, but it's very unlikely that he can ever catch up with you by hanging around you. You simply don't create space for him to experience love, this result you've been producing with him is a manifestation of your leadership-communication skills. Also, “. . . and even asks me to tell him I love him every now and then.” Written responsibly, it would read, ". . . I have even trained him to ask me to tell him I love him."

Now here's the kicker: What's happening between you two reveals that you have not been completely open and honest with him. You've been withholding some thoughts. How do we know? We know because when one person in a relationship communicates openly and honestly and spontaneously, no thoughts withheld, then the other has no choice but to follow suit. An open person (someone who is whole and complete) simply doesn't socialize with a shut down person. Specifically, communication always produces an experience of love. Love is so different from “deeply cares” as to not be comparable, and, love is not something that once one experiences it that it's always there—for life. Love must be completed and recreated via new communications each and every time you see it's missing. Any thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of love. Most people hang on to their memory of an experience of love that happened accidentally early on in the relationship (before the accumulation of withholds). They conceptualize that experience and live from the concept “I love you” but they don't know how to create the experience of love through a single sit-down conversation; I'm talking about the joyous emotional experience of love.

You are addicted to being incomplete, to hanging around someone who is equally incomplete, someone who doesn't experience love simply by hanging around you. In other words, love happens to be the topic but it ain't the source of your problem. In truth you're not ready for a permanent relationship. Love is loving someone exactly the way they are. He knows you're trying to change him; trying to get him to behave as you want is not love. He hasn't destroyed enough relationships to the point where he realizes that he needs help. You don't have the leadership-communication skills to inspire him to even communicate what his resistance is. All we know is that the more pressure you put on him the more he resists. He was this way when you first met him. A conscious woman would would have seen in a nano-second (it's an aura thing) that he is emotionally bound up, that he's carrying around hundreds, if not thousands, of incompletes.

If you want to experience love you must bring it to the relationship. The way to do this is to practice telling the truth each and every moment with everyone you're with. Start by completing your relationship with your parents.

Re: "Is staying in this relationship going to be more heartbreaking than ending it because it hurts too much to be in a loveless relationship?" Yes, with your expectations it's going to continue to be heartbreaking, but, I'd stay in it for as long as you can because it's great practice for when you meet your #10. Not to worry, most teens have 1 or 2 of these kinds of relationships very early in high school; from them they learn to not attract boys who are emotionally shut down. Also, true love doesn't require verbal acknowledgment. It's simply known. That is to say, you don't love him, it's something else but it's definitely not love. He loves you, he just has too many incompletes in the way to experience the love that's there. Do be honest and tell him that you are looking elsewhere for someone you don't want to change. Show his this post.

With aloha,

Gabby.

Check back from time for edits. It's such a great post that others will get value from reading it. (last edited 9/19/17)


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