Abuse, abusive mum

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Abuse, abusive mum

Postby pisces » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:48 am

hi, it is my first time in this forum and i would really like you to help out. tell me what you think. i am 30 yrs old, have my own life, house nad family but i still suffer because of my emotionally and verbally abusive mum. she hurts us so much and i am very concerned for my dad, brother and sister who have to live with her everyday. divorce is not legallised here and separation is too big a thing for my father to do it. dunno what the right things is. she has 7 sisters, all with the same problem and she also comes from a family who suffered an abusive father.
we are a close family who can try to understand or love her as she is but....

whenever we try to talk to her she denies being nasty. she denies saying nasty things, very intellegently i must say. she denies baing a bully, shutting us all up . i just came from her house. tried to talk to her calmly but after 10 mins she was throwing things at me and screaming that i should leave the house. i did.

it is incredible how she thiks she is not doing anything wrong, that we are all hallucinating. the rest of my family try not to talk to her, not to upset her but she just manages to find things to bark and growl about.

i suffer from anxiety attacks cos of her and i had a terrible childhood. should this go on ? can't anything be done? i believe a lot in councelling , psychotherapy and stuff but how the hell would we be able to convince her that she needs help?

another thing that worries me is that she manages to put family members against each other. as if inventing things for us to concentrate upon . she already managed to destroy a good relationship with my brother.

everything say she turns it round and it becomes a nasty thing i said. putting me in a bad light.

i love my mum, and even my dad, brothers and sisters. i wish we could handle her better.

i just asked her if she was happy like that and she said she was but i know she is not. she says i don't need anyone or anything. i said that if she thought that she would end up living on her own and she said she would not mind. meglio soli che mal accompagnati.

dunno what else to do. why should i cry everyday cos of her?


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Postby Gabby » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:50 am

Hi Pisces:

Thank you for reaching out. It's a letter in which many will see themselves.

I’m going to reply to you as you should to your mother, and, to each of your relatives. For you to stick your hand into a rattler's den expecting it to not bite reveals that you have been unconscious. For you to have done it repeatedly reveals that you are addicted to abuse and that you need 50 hours of individual therapy, to where you can be trusted to not interact with abusive people. For you to do it even one more time after reading this reply would reveal that you lie, saying you want to be treated with respect.

Do not reply or post another message until you can tell me you have not interacted with any of your family for six months in a row, and, that you have completed 50 fifty-minute sessions with a counselor or therapist.

I recommend you send the following to your mother. Do not deliver it verbally. Any other words you may elect to include with this recommended communication will dilute the impact. It must be experiential, it must leave her incomplete and without recourse to get in the last hurtful, spiteful word.

    Dear Mother: I have finally realized that I am addicted to abuse. Worse yet, I am addicted to blaming, and to being a victim, and to being an enabler. It’s clear to me that the way I have been communicating with you triggers undesirable responses for which I have been blaming you. I intend to learn how to communicate so that both of us feel good upon completion. You can support my intention by honoring my request to not interact with me until I tell you I am ready. Part of my communication-skills curriculum includes a commitment to not interact with anyone I experience (correctly or incorrectly) to be equally addicted to abuse. I will not interact with you ever again, until you can tell me you have completed 50 fifty-minute sessions with a counselor or therapist. This means no phone calls or messages, no written communications or gifts. It also means I will not interact with any of our relatives who support you, who empower you (by interacting with you), to relate with me the way you have been doing all my life.
This is the ultimate expression of love.

No one in your family stands a chance of healing as long as you continue to interact with any of them. In this situation you alone are the leader. Your leadership-communication skills perpetuate this condition. Deliver the above communication, in writing, to each individually, and then mean it. Each time you backslide and communicate with any of them will be proof positive of your intention to keep them stuck.

Now here's the kicker. For every day you continue interacting with her add another hour of therapy to my stipulation for interacting with me. You can no longer pretend that you are not responsible for this situation. To choose to keep her and you and everyone else stuck begins to verge on evil, for which the need for even more therapy is indicated.

For more about abuse read The Spouse Abuse Tutorial—About the Tutorial. You will not be eligible to do the tutorial until you have not interacted with her for six months in a row.

With aloha, Gabby

PS. Your post is abusive. It is disrespectful. It did not feel good to read. A post without capitals is considered rude. It communicates disrespect, that I am not worth the time it would take you to compose such an extremely important post, a post that you expect the most professional /responsible reply possible. Also, it would work for you to get a spell checker.

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