Congrats and thank you for reaching out.
I wish there were some wise saying that would effect a transformation but I know of none. Abuse-free relationships are about intentions not words. It’s one thing to say you want to get to the source of and complete your experience of anger but it’s another thing altogether to intend such a result. One thing we do know is that the both of you have unconsciously been masterminding a divorce. I’ll emphasize "both" to ensure you understand that your drama requires a partner equally addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. There are no innocent partners.
I admire that you’re willing to accept responsibility however, no communications between you and I can inspire your partner to heal. We know from the results her leadership communication skills have produced that the abuse has served her, else she would have left already. What she has in mind, even unconsciously we don’t know. Most people go to their graves estranged from former partners. What we can do is have conversations that will support you in opting for abuse-free relationships.
Even if you could stop the abuse today I doubt whether she’d like the new you; if she wanted one of them she wouldn’t be living with you. Your addictions match and feed each other’s needs en route to enlightenment.
Whether you remain together or not you’ll still have to work on yourself.
I trust you’re aware that your anger has nothing to do with her or whatever else your mind may believe it’s about. You’ve talked causes repeatedly and it hasn’t produced a breakthrough so we know you haven’t gotten to the source of (the truth about) your anger. When you tell the truth the problem will disappear.
You can begin to get a handle on what your anger is about if you do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row (The Clearing Process
—it’s free). Ideally what would work is for the two of you to do the Clearing Process for Couples
—it’s an excellent way to process upsets. If the relationship is so bad that she won’t do the clearings with you then it’s all over but the drama.
Do show her our posts.
PS. Capitalizations where required are respectful.