Financial Problem With Husband

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Financial Problem With Husband

Postby brillac1 » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:18 am

Dear Gabby,
I 'm happy with my husband. But the only problem I have is that my husband could never help me financially because he owed a lot of debt. he told me that I have to get a job to support my self.

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Postby Gabby » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:25 am

Hi Brillac1:

Thanks for reaching out. If you don't have the same problem a month from now we'll know you were/are intent on resolving this problem. In other words, I don't get that you were asking for a solution, rather to dump, complain and make him wrong. This is a life transforming opportunity for you.

Many people who read your post will think to themselves, “boy what a pushover.” The words in-denial, and pathetic, come to mind. The relationship cannot grow, except further apart from each other. You have married someone for the sole purpose of discovering how much therapy/counseling you need for you to have the kind of mutually supportive satisfying relationship you say you want. Put another way, the marriage cannot last, because it didn’t begin as a conventional (financially) healthy marriage. You conned him into conning (using) you. You are stuck in being a victim.

I get that you think/believe that you’re happy. It’s a lie. Problems persist because the way in which they are being defined/described is inaccurate. Lies cause problems to persist. For example: You write that you are “happy” yet you follow the word happy with “But.” The word “but” most always indicates that the phrase before or after it is a lie. The truth is, you have this huge dissatisfaction, this seemingly insurmountable problem, these persistent thoughts of resentment and disrespect toward him daily, this fear, on top of which you act happy. I have no sense that you have communicated all your thoughts about this to him verbally. We know this to be true because communication always resolves problems.

Another lie: “…the only problem….” Not true. You do have other problems (unwanted conditions that persist). All lies and all truths have consequences, even the unconscious lies. One problem you have, that you are in denial about, is that you don’t have his respect. You can’t respect someone whom you can con. Without respect there can be no experience of love. Concept of love, yes. Experience of love, recreated at the end of each conversation, no.

For sure you are satisfied about certain things. You might even find yourself laughing a lot. However, like bank robbers after a heist, the laughter is at the expense of others. My guess is that you’re doing lots of laughing and that he is the source of the humor, the jokes, the kidding, not you. You’re too busy worrying to be a spontaneously funny joking humorous person. Underneath it all you know that something is very wrong, that your integrity is out. That’s what prompted you to write.

Most would bet that you are providing more than just your share of the household income, food, utilities, etc. That is to say, most would say that you have set yourself up to be used, to be a victim. Who in his/her right mind would marry someone so deeply in debt? If he dies the debt is yours. He has huge integrity problems. He’s not committed to keeping all agreements. He has a warped sense of priorities, money, and responsibility. Remember, his financial problem began when he bought something on credit for which he didn’t have assets to cover payments under all circumstances, including lost job or bad health. For example: “H’mmm, let’s see, how will I pay for this if I lose my job? I know. I’ll withdraw from my savings, or sell my collection, or even borrow it from my parents.” He didn’t/doesn't think like this. It’s called irresponsible. His thinking indicates need of therapy. For you to marry such a person, a child in need of such a tremendous number of hours of therapy/counseling, indicates that you also need an equal amount of therapy. You are stuck in what's called enabling. He had no business getting married. It was a time for him to get his act together. You, by helping him, providing this distraction, for him to play husband and house, have postponed his growing up.

He will never ever be able to heal as long as you are in his life because he can’t respect you. He knows he conned you. He knows that an actualized (read confident & mature) woman would have said, “Clean up your finances first, then we’ll talk about another date.” What you are doing is supporting him in screwing over others. Many others (merchants) have to borrow money to pay others because your husband hasn’t paid them what he promised, on the date he said he would. He made something more important than his word. He doesn’t think in terms of supporting others in prospering, only in terms of his own survival. He mirrors you. Rather than think about what was best for him in terms of supporting him in getting out from under his debt load before conning him into marrying, you selfishly manipulated him into satisfying your wants.

The big lie is that what you say is happiness ain’t it. It’s impossible to be happy knowing someone is, or others are, doing without because of the philosophy of you and yours. It’s called having a good time at the expense of others (an imitation of happy) which will eventually cost you as much grief, aggravation, hurt, and pain as you support him in causing others.

How to resolve this problem? Reading and getting (being with) my reply is where you begin. All actions and mutually satisfying communications will eventually come from your post and my reply. One clue: What would your mother or father have recommended had you asked, “Do you approve of this marriage?” A part of this fiasco has been to invalidate your parents. “Look, see what you parents did? You didn’t teach and prepare me correctly.” As long as you keep failing in life and relationships, you’ll ensure they die as failures.

Do have your husband and parents read this reply—it’s unethical to talk about others behind their back except that it is eventually shared. There's millions out there with the exact same problem, so this is an enormously valuable topic for many.

Thank you, Gabby

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