Thanks for posting. I get your hurt.
You don’t ask for help, rather your post is what’s referred to as a blaming dump. It guarantees more of the same results. In other words, how you have been communicating, your leadership communication-skills do not inspire trustworthiness. While it appears to be him, the problem is you. He is mirroring your addiction to blame and to abusing and to being abused
. Things will only get worse unless you (not you and him) get counseling/coaching. You need to address what is it about you that attracted and now enables this addict.
We could address your agreement-making skills (you were under the impression that you had co-created an agreement with him, in truth it was the illusion of an agreement
), but that’s not the source of the problem. What you should be addressing is the source of this breakdown in communication
which in this case is your own integrity. Look for a broken agreement, lie, withhold, or perpetration, that you have with him or another. In other words, he has absolutely no choice but to mirror your own out integrity. You simply don’t exude or inspire integrity. You have one or more unacknowledged withholds (deceits) or lies, that serve as barriers to the experience of communication (most likely with one or both parents, possibly with one or more of your high school teachers).
Now here’s the sad part. If you don’t resolve your own out-integrity then you will teach your child this same behavior—actually he/she is already picking up your behaviors of blaming others and your addiction to attracting and rewarding partners addicted to abuse.
You and your husband are addicted to abuse. It’s not only unethical to break agreements, it’s abusive
. Worse, it’s unethical to create the illusion of an agreement with someone who can’t be trusted to honor their word, except that you have the skills to acknowledge them when they break agreements. You’ll need these agreement making-support skills when you assign your child the task, the agreement, to take out the trash. In other words, children can be trusted to break agreements. We know this. Still we have them create agreements, and, intend (yes, consciously intend) that they break them so as to teach them about agreements, especially the consequences for breaking them. Your husband is stuck in childhood regarding agreements. Knowing this is it unethical of you to manipulate him into making an agreement with you. It’s unethical because you are blaming him (an adult stuck in childhood) for your poorly created agreement. A communicated agreement is always honored.
It’s important that you get that he is missing respect for you. Without respect there can only be the illusion of love. He clearly got that you did not mean no more porn. You merely said the words, as opposed to communicate your intention.
Regarding respect. Notice your lack of respect for me with your post. No capitals and no spell check. As I said above, you possibly have a considerable number of unacknowledged perpetrations between you and several teachers. You appear to be intent on making sure they failed as teachers. It’s no accident that you now have others unconsciously intending that you fail also. I.e. Your husband thwarting you.
Next time around, make sure you communicate your position about porn (and other positions) up front, on the first date. "I will not tolerate porn, or infidelity, and ..., and ..., and ... , is that clear? I'll leave you instantly if I find you cheating or looking at porn. Do you have a problem with this ultimatum?" In this way they have a choice, to date or not date you (see Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating
Thanks for posting, others will get value reading it.
With aloha, Gabby
P.S. In 34 years of doing hundreds of three-hour communication-coaching consults I have only had one client go the entire three hours without my hearing a single lie. It's been my experience that most everyone lies. Once one is clear about lying they no longer get upset when they hear a lie. The trick is to hang out with (date) only those who appreciate you letting them know when you hear a lie, and, they thank you and put in correction. Also, insist that they let you know when they hear you lie as well. The more you play the acknowledging lies game the more conscious you become.
Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 3/4/17)