I don’t get that you are ready to have abuse-free personal relationships. Most would predict, even after reading the following, that you’ll still be embroiled in this drama five years from now; worse yet, that you’ll continue to model for your grandchildren how to foment and put up with abuse so that they too will treat their children as does your daughter you. The worst thing your daughter can do is to let you interact with her children
; remember, it’s your leadership-communication skills that taught her to treat you this way. Conversations with your grandchildren will continue to imprint on them the same behaviors—to abuse and put up with abuse—which most always requires therapy/counseling later in life. Already you are unconsciously teaching them to badmouth others, i.e. ". . . the other grandmother."
The bottom line is you need therapy, not counseling, over for a period of (50) 50-minute sessions. The best you can hope for is to complete your addiction to controlling and to abusing and being abused. Your therapy will not heal your daughter or your already damaged grandchildren. To complete your addiction to abusing and being abused you’ll have to be willing to acknowledge that you trained your daughter to treat you this way. It’s your leadership-relationship communication-skills that are producing these results. Your therapy (you being whole and complete, powerful, centered, contributing to life) could possibly inspire one or more to want to be like you; but it can't happen unless you intend for them to be and act the way they need to. Trying to change your daughter is not love, it will continue to produce more resistance. Creating space for growth works.
You’ll have to grieve for the loss of everyone, daughter and grandchildren, and, recess them from your life, not seeing (interacting/communicating) them ever again
after you have delivered (in writing) your estrangement ultimatum
to them and have completed your 50 sessions of therapy. The pain you’ll have to choose to experience will seemingly be unbearable, much like an alcoholic with the DTs.
Most parents who have created similar symbiotic abusive relationship have no choice but to put up with things—such is their addiction to abuse and to being a victim. You need someone to blame for your inability to be happy when others need/choose to be sick. I say "symbiotic" because your daughter requires her fix of abusing and being abused much like a drug addict. She requires that you keep communicating exactly as you have been. She cannot possibly heal as long as you keep interacting with her and your grandchildren.
An alternative to therapy is to immerse yourself in volunteering, not a few hours per week but some non-profit that needs you 8 hours per day, one whose time-consuming mission is vital and dear to your heart. Through service you will get to know who you are and, be able to create space for your family to discover themselves, by themselves, no interactions with them ever until they fulfill your ultimatum of 50 hours each of therapy.
To answer your question, “How do I mend this relationship so that I can see my grandkids again?” You can’t, not with your present leadership-relationship communication skills. Even if your daughter died, you’d still be addicted to creating abusive drama.
Please do not reply until you can tell me you’ve not interacted with her, her husband (the enabler of this abuse) or the grandchildren for 6 months in a row.
I’d recommend that you print this reply and send it to your daughter.
PS: To your credit, you had the wisdom to write; you're at a fork in the road, more of the same or to begin your healing. Once they all see how to extract oneself from abuse they too can model what works. It could be said that they are waiting for you to lead the way.
PPS: A therapist will focus solely on your relationship with your parents. You're dragging around hundreds of incompletes
with them into each and every interaction with everyone.
PPS: A good start to compliment your therapy is to do The Clearing Process
Lasted edited 2/28/16