Re: Homesick and not in love with Hubby

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Gabby
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Re: Homesick and not in love with Hubby

Postby Gabby » Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:50 am

Posted here for Fay by moderator:

Dear Gabby,

I've been reading through your advice and found your perspective enlightning. I can't say I always agree with your advice, but it definetely puts another spin on communication.

I have been 'married' for almost 7 years with a man from Europe. We have had a very tough year, with our communication problems becoming more evident. I met him when I was 17 in the states, and because his work visa had expired, he had to go back to Europe. He proposed 1 month before he had to go, I accepted because I was crazy about him, but didn't know if we'd ever see each other after he left. I had a good job in an office, but after 3 months without him, I quit my job, sold my car, everything i owned except for a suitcase of clothes, and flew to Europe to be with him. It was really hard, but I learned the language, got on really well with his family, and worked under the table when I could, but it was impossible to get a work visa. I tried to get citizenship, but couldn't (my grandmother was born in Europe). After my visitor visa was up and the officials were ready to throw me out of the country, we got married with a JP and that solved the issue (I was 19 by this time). It was clear to me this was just a legal proceedure (I didn't invite any family) and we would have a proper wedding in a year or two. Well, we still haven't gotten married properly, and because so much time has passed, my husband feels like it is just too much work to have a wedding, even though I made it VERY CLEAR it was important to me.
We do not communicate well. When I say that, I mean that we cannot discuss things together with out it being more like McCain and Obama bashing eachother. Every opinion, thought or observation I make, he takes the opposite side. I yearn to have someone who is my partner and not my enemy all the time. Even when friends are discussing things with me, and start to go over the line and attack me for my personal view which isn't all that extreme in most cases, he will agree with the other person. I have never seen him side with me. There was even an occasion where a friend went off the deep end (he has issues) and was screaming inches from my face and I was terrified he was going to hit me. My husband didn't say anything to the friend during the episode nor afterwards. My sister, who was present at the time, felt my husband should have stepped in, and I feel she is right.
This last year has been really hard, because I have gotten tired of the bad communication and have tried to make improvements. After one discussion we had where we both wrote down our needs from the relationship to make it clear what each one of us needs to work on to make the other happier, I felt good and had hope. On my list were: I want to start planning where will we live (Europe or the States), when will we have kids, I'd like my white wedding, and more physical contact. On his list were: me to always use a kleenex when my nose is running, rinse the dishes, more sex, and for me to watch less TV. I didn't critisize him at that point for putting down pet peaves rather than real issues, I was happy he was participating. So I went about consiously doing the things he had on the list. I didn't watch more then 2 hours of TV a week, blew my nose all the time, rinsed dishes and had more sex. What did he do? Nothing. He said, once again, that the wedding would need to wait 2 more years. After that, I gave up.
I think it was kind of a protective wall I put up. I stopped wanting a stupid wedding, stopped wanting to kiss him, stopped wanting to BE with him. We basically were room mates who would argue alot.
Now I have met a man from another country, and he is really special. I have VERY strong feelings for him. PLUS, I've decided I cannot be away from my family any more and need to move home in the next year. My husband is trying to save the relationship by writing me text messages saying we need to start fresh, and that he loves me more than anything and I'm the only one he wants to grow old with. But I just can't see me being 70 years old with this man who cannot even agree with me that the sky is blue! This method of communication is killing me inside. I have slept with the new man in my life. I feel terrible about it, but I will never tell my husband that. I love my husband but I'm not 'In love' with him. I don't want to ease my conscience but rip him apart as a result of telling him about the afair.
You say in your advise that a relationship without complete honesty isn't a truely loving relationship. So, should I stay and keep trying, or go home and start fresh????
I appreciate your advise!
Fay

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 382
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Homesick and not in love with Hubby

Postby Gabby » Wed May 27, 2009 11:02 pm

Hi Fay,

Thank you for your post and the acknowledgment.

I'll reply later today.

Hi Fay,

You ask for advice but my hit is that you couldn’t/wouldn’t take it. The leadership/communication skills you used to produce this scenario are guaranteed to produce more of the same. You are programmed to make choices that don’t work. Advice anyone or I would give you would be from minds that do what works, you might agree with it but it just ain’t you. For example: Advice: “Leave now! Tonight” You: “Yah but… and ,…. etc. (insert reasons and excuses).” You are addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. It’s much the same as a drug addict needing his/her fix of adrenaline, so too do you need your daily fix of invalidation and blame. A person committed to having life work wouldn’t hang out in that relationship another 24 hours. They wouldn’t even engage in another conversation with him until he can say he’s had 2 years of counseling (by himself).

Your post describes a life of someone not committed to telling the truth, to honoring agreements and to cleaning up the messes. You have yet to learn that all lies, all unethical actions, have undesirable consequences. It’s virtually impossible for you to have life work the way you say you want, and know it can work, until you commit to living life from a condition called integrity. Presently your integrity is out. You’re so out-integrity that you couldn’t see that your choice to work “under the table” was a fork in the road. Actually, there is another biggie before that one, a perpetration you haven’t acknowledged in your post, one that determined all the results you’ve produced. An honest person simply would think of working under the table. Such unethicalness affects not only the results you produce but also those your husband produces, such is your power.

For life to work you’ve got to start hanging around someone who will support you in acknowledging every time you go unconscious and lie/communicate from blame. For example: “…with our communication problems becoming more evident.” This is covert blame. A responsible person would have written, “…my communication problems becoming more evident.” You honestly think that if he got better things would work. Not. You unconsciously attracted a man addicted to abusing and being abused. He’s oblivious to the fact that he’s a controlling tyrant. He has absolutely no choice but to communicate as he does with you. Simple standing quietly in the room (communicating non verbally) you trigger his addiction to abuse. It’s abusive to invalidate another’s point of view. It’s abusive of you to hang around (to seduce) an immature person for selfish gains. You set him up to be abusive to you. It’s abusive of you to do that to him. He cannot heal with you in his life. He hasn’t destroyed enough relationships, to the point where he realizes that he needs at least 2 years of weekly counseling simply to learn how to relate with women as an equal.

Another example: “We do not communicate well. When I say that, I mean that we cannot discuss things….” Again, blame. A responsible person would have identified him/herself as being the source of the problem. “The way I communicate triggers invalidation. I don’t know how to command respect.”

You reveal that you are unconscious and as such lie without catching yourself. For example: “What did he do? Nothing.” I assure you he communicated volumes. And, he did do something. He did more of the same. Nothing you can do or say can change him.

You have to go back in time to when you were smart and bright and see what choice you made that determined this path. That’s where you are now.

Life can’t work until you are willing to tell the truth, to him and all others. Notice that the mind that made these choices, that created this condition, thinks that another man whose integrity matches yours is “very special.” Life certainly won’t work hanging out with a man who has no choice but to seduce a brother’s wife, one who supports you in deceiving your spouse. You lover is on the way down and you can’t see it.

Please don’t post again until you can tell me you have not interacted with your husband and your lover for a period of six months in a row.

Thank you for reaching out. This post will be of value to others.


Gabby


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