Why won't my husband stand by my side

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Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:18 pm

Why won't my husband stand by my side

Postby Shunned » Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:52 pm

When i first met my husband he took me to meet his brother and his girlfriend. Prior to us going he said the girlfriend told him she had to approve of me before he could get serious (she was supposedly joking) well we got there and the two men went out to a pub leaving me with her alone, she was as nice as pie when they were there but as soon as they walked out the door her eyes changed and so did her voice. She started putting my husband down, telling me i don't know him and all about his past girlfriends and how she told them the same and they left him. We continued to have what I thought was a friendship but this happened everytime we were left alone. Then one day i turned up and she was with one of his ex girlfriends. She took me aside and said how she missed her and wanted to start a new friendship with her. I was very uncomfortable but was nice to them both anyway. I would come around and anyone who was there would give me the up and down look and barely acknowledge me so I would sit near my husband and talk to him. My husband and his brother work away for two weeks and home for a week, everytime the husband flew out he would go to her house to say goodbye to her and his nephew and as soon as he flew in before going home he would call in as well. The whole time he was away I never heard from her but soon as he was home she would be ringing him to fix her car, move furniture etc etc...his brother never visited me unless she was with him. Her attitude got worse, we got engaged and she got more demanding of my husband and he of course obliged, two weeks before we married she asked me over to her house while his brother was home and they both sat there and told me how i dont know my fiance, how he drinks, is violent, loans money and never pays it back and how stupid i am to marry him. His brother never told her to stop he was agreeing with her, i went home and was in tears. A week before the wedding she had a male friend with her and got really agressive and again said that i should not be getting married and how dare i go to my husbands home town to marry without her, i said we are going there so his daughter can attend as she cannot come here she is to young. My husband walked out and she asked him the same thing, he responded with the same answer i did and she said fine i respect that and dropped it. When we got married and arrived back home she became unbearable. I was at work one day and rang my husband who was home on his week off and he told me she was at our house and had been all afternoon, I said wow she never visits when im at home alone, i was driving home and went past her house on the way through. I stopped at the shop and received a call on my cell phone from her, she said in a angry voice, why were you at my house, i said i beg your pardon i drove past to get to the shop. I then asked her what the problem was as she has been at my house all afternoon, she then said i knew this would happen when you got married, why dont you come over now and we can nut this out, i told her that i am not going to her house, she is a manipulative cow who makes me sick and to never go to my house when im not around. She hung up. I got home and my husbands brother was on the phone yellng at me telling me how upset she is and to never go around his house again. (even though i hadnt been) my husband didnt get on the phone to him but didnt ring or go there for about two months. Then my husband started going there and not telling me until a few days later. I was upset and said why are you doing that, you are telling them it is okay for her to do this. Anyway he told me to go and visit when only his brother is there, so one day i went with him, brother was nice but...she came home. We left and the next time my husband went over there his brother told him that she left him for two days for letting me in the house and to tell me to never go there again. But...the brother would come over to my house, this happened two or three times. Two years later and I have not been there, they have family visit from over east, parties etc and i am not allowed to go. My husband however keeps going over there at least one day a week. I am upset and continue to get worse as he is allowing them to treat me as though i am non existant. he told me that a week before the wedding she had a talk to him and told him to FORGET ABOUT ME...he got angry with her and stormed out of the house. Not once has he stuck up for me, he keeps going back, keeps being nice to them. When he is at home he tells me how sorry he feels for me, i say why dont you stick up for me once...but he just doesnt. I asked him if he had ever had sex with her. he said years ago he took her somewhere in his car and when she got out she leant over to kiss him and said I picked the wrong brother, but he said he has never ever had a sexual relationship with her. I feel as though my emotions dont matter, that they are put ahead of my feelings and needs. I love my husband but I have lost alot of respect for him and each time he goes to them I lose a bit more. But he keeps on keeping on. She is happy because she gets to see him and pretend i am not around. What do you think?

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Re: Why won't my husband stand by my side

Postby Gabby » Sat Apr 12, 2008 10:56 pm

Hi Shunned,

There's nothing I could say that will be of value.

Anybody who reads your drama would advise you to get a divorce and therapy, in that order; I won't because I know you wouldn't take the advice. You are incapable of making the kinds of choices that will transform this situation such is your addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused.

You'd do well to recall who in your life would say that you have treated them the same as your husband and his ex treats you. Who would say that you stood by and supported (empowered-enabled) another/others in badmouthing another? It's your karma that brought him into your life. There's a pony here somewhere. You have yet to choose to have abuse-free relationships. You'll never heal as long as you keep interacting with all with whom you relate. There are ways to make a positive difference in people's lives.

You ask: "Why won't my husband stand by my side?" The answer is simple. It's not an admirable side. He doesn't respect you for putting up with his brother's girlfriend's, and his ex's, very first abusive communication. He doesn't respect you for going out with him the first and subsequent times; he's disappointed in you for not being able to see through him and for enabling his sickness which includes his relationship with his ex. He was hoping for something better.

You don't mention talking about the problem with your parents which suggests that your relationship with them is such that you don't/didn't confide in them about your new relationship(s). Sadly, even worse, that they didn't insist that you bring home new relationships for their blessings and supportive guidance; so, I'm assuming that they too would have advised you to not date him—which I know you knew.

Please do not post or reply again until you can say you have not interacted with any of them for six-months in a row.

With aloha, Gabby

Last edited 2/4/18

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