Should I get back with her because she is having my child?

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Gabby
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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Should I get back with her because she is having my child?

Postby Gabby » Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:30 pm

Hi slightly anonymous,

Thanks for writing. What follows will be extremely difficult to read and even more so to get, to own, to be with without upset. Yet, I’m bound to tell you the truth because you had the intelligence and the courage to reach out.

Let’s begin with, “She lacks communication skills.” It’s virtually impossible for one person in a personal relationship to have more or less communication skills. People with “more” (actually different skills) simply can’t hang out socially with those with unmatched skills. For example: All con “victims” run equally controlling cons on their conner. Couples who communicate abusively do so equally to each other—most often one partner delivers their abuse nonverbally (even unconsciously) such that most can’t see it. Put another way, we attract those whose stories match the stories we need to play out. In your situation she’s perfectly mirroring your leadership-communication skills—you've trained her well.

You’ve revealed that you are addicted to blaming. You blame her for your inability to cause mutually satisfying communication to take place. You blame her for “not being able to disconnect from the past.” A responsible statement would be, “I’m so needy that when I first discovered her active connections with past friends I didn’t make clear to her my expectations. I knew that if I put my foot down she wouldn’t see me anymore, she would have called me possessive or whatever. I just don’t know how to command that kind of respect. I accepted her immature behaviors and in fact rewarded them with more of my company.” I assure you she thought and behaved this way even before you met her. And, she’s not the first woman to treat you this way.

Re: “I constantly showed how it discomforted me, and that out of respect she should stop.” Two things here: It’s great that you shared your discomfiture, however, we’re missing the part where she demonstrated, much earlier, that she did not respect you. I suspect she never did; how could she possible respect someone who would let her walk all over them? What did you do or not do that caused her to lose respect for you? It’s there; it’s an incident. You might have to look hard to find it.

Re: “She lacks communication skills and can be quite the cold hearted person.” This reveals your addiction to collecting incident upon incident and then labeling her “cold.” Her “cold” behavior began with cold incident #1 (a time, content, and place). How you handled that incident gave her permission, (she got this from your leadership communication skills, mostly nonverbal) for her to be or act that way. A mature person would have said, “This isn’t working for me. I find myself making you wrong for the way you behave and the way you treat me. It’s abusive of me to make you wrong and for me to submit myself to such abuse. I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m going to take a break from you and see what it is about me that triggers disrespectful abuse.”

Re: “But whenever we had a bad spot, mild or not, she would in some form reach out to other males.” More blame. Written responsibly it would read: “ Whenever I created friction and an argument in which I didn’t know how to resolve through to mutual satisfaction, I would drive her away, into the arms of others.”

Re: “She immediately went to the guys house and talked to him, and he kissed her..” This is a lie. That you were the space for such a lie reveals you are not clear about responsibility. No one kisses me except that I cause him or her to, I intend for them to do so. Her story should have been, "I seduced him into kissing me." That she knew that you would buy such a lie reveals more disrespect. That you could not hear her lie reveals that you have one or more lies that you’ve told her for which you have not been acknowledged.

Re: “Did I mention she contradicts herself…?” “and then i said thats it, im done..” “.. I told her over and over and over again that if she went out with him i was done.” “She called me after her date crying.” Have you not contradicted yourself, with your “no more speeches?” Where did she get the idea that you would listen to her crying after she went out with him, knowing full well you had said, "if you go out with him it’s all over?” She knows that you can’t be trusted to mean what you say, that you lie. She knows she can con you.

Re: “I cant take anymore pain.” This is a lie. I predict with considerable certainty that you will still be involved in drama with her six months from now, such is your addiction to abuse.

Re: "...she has shat on my heart 3 times already" The truth is you set it up for her to shat on you 3x. She has no choice what so ever but to react to your verbal and nonverbal and psychic communications the way she does. You are the leader.

Re: “Plus we fight A LOT..” Once again blame. Stated responsibly it would read: “I fight a lot with her. I start fights with her. When I need an adrenaline fix of abuse I call her.”

Re: “my question is, is it worth trying to make it work for the baby if i already know that we will fight fight fight...not to mention that i cant trust her...?” Here’s the hard part. You have no choice. You’re as addicted to trying to make it work and to interacting with her as an alcoholic is to alcohol. You will continue to fight, to start arguments and blame her for starting them, and, what’s even worse, you will teach your child to blame and hang out in pathetic abusive relationships.

Notice I have no advice. This is because you simply couldn’t take the steps necessary to have an abuse-free relationship. It hasn’t gotten bad enough for you yet. It is possible to transform yourself but you're nowhere near ready to begin that curriculum.

Again, thank you, your letter will be of value to many.

Do show her our communications.

With aloha,

Gabby

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: Should I get back with her because she is having my child?

Postby Gabby » Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:20 am

Hi slightly anonymous,

Responsibility begins with the willingness to look at a result from cause. Your communication model is referred to as adversarial; it’s characterized by badmouthing and blame. For you to produce different results you’d have to be willing to give up being the victim and ask yourself, “Now how did I get her to say that?” Not only, how but why, what have I been up to? What’s going on with me that I would manifest a person with such behaviors? You underestimate your powers.

For you to complete this phase, this way of relating, you’ll have to begin studying intention. The way to discover what your intentions have been is to look at the results you’ve been producing with her. It ain’t her. She merely mirrors you and your leadership-communication skills.

I notice that your reply didn’t acknowledge your addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused. An actualized man simply doesn’t go out on a date, let alone a second one, with a someone who behaves as she does. You’d do well to look and see what karma is being played out. Who in your life would say you have been argumentative and abusive? —that person has yet to recover from their interactions with you.

Please don’t post again/reply until you can tell me you have not interacted with her for six months in a row. Anything that would come from your mind while you’re stuck in this phase would just be more of the same, denial, blame and make-wrong. See if you can resist the urge to pump out a knee-jerk response.

Feel free to make a donation when you get me.

With aloha,

Gabby


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