Let me say that I will use a lot of "I believe" statements to describe my opinion on relationships in general. So please forgive me if you get bored reading all the "I believe"s in this text.
I am at the divorce process now, and trying to find why I did and what I did. Although I am curious about why he did and what he did, I do not want to obsess about it.
We been married for sometime. Since the beginning, I knew that he has some unfinished feelings for a high school friend. I though eventually he will mature up, and understand that longterm relationships are not based on flings, but honesty, respect, love, openness, understanding, and hard work to reach these.
I never met the girl; since she lives in an other state, they see each other once or twice a year. There were times, when I was also at the same city, but since he did not invite me I did not join them. I was OK with this, since I believe that people should be free to make their own decision and if he/she wants some space, he/she should get it.
He told me about her before; how he felt bad for her while they were in high-school, because her father was not making enough money to support the family, how his father died during her collage years, and she had to work for her money. I do understand the stress she was going through when she was young because I was going through a similar experience, I had to work during my high school and collage years to support my family (and my husband knows that since we were in the same collage), but I chose not to complain about it. When people asked, I was just telling them I need to work, that is it. I do not blame her for complaining, since she was going through hard times and she was young (I do not want to say immature cause I do not know her). Funny enough, now she complains that her husband is not making enough, and her husband makes more than my husband does apparently. And he felt sorry for her that she had to worry about money, and her husband should do something about it. All these times, I did not make any comment about her, I just listened because I knew that if I said anything he would be very defensive. I thought eventually, he will see the resemblance. I never complained about money. And I believe that (unless it is a life threating issue -like money for health concerns, or starvation, etc.) money should not be a problem, if you need more you change your job, you don not expect the other person find a way to earn more for you. And this is not a problem, neither for her, for me or for my husband, since we have good collage degrees. Whenever I needed extra money, I found an extra -temporary- project to work on.
I will digress now a little. During our first year (we were in the same state then), his parents were coming to visit us and staying like two to three weeks. His father loved to spend time with us while his mom was not very comfortable staying that long. One night, my father-in-law tells my mother-in-law that he does not want her mom to stay with them that long (she was staying with them three months during winter), and the reason is that sometimes after a shower he wants to hang around with his bathrobe, but he cannot do that while she is around. My mother-in-law and I gave a smile to each other. He did not see the resemblance at all.
I told this to make a point about my husband. He did not see the resemblance in our case too.
After I wanted a separation, he told me that I do not give him enough space, he does not felt loved. After I told him that not only I was aware of his feeling for her, but also his other crushes/flings, then he accuses me being distant; he says if you were aware, why would you not act jealous and try to put a distance between him and them. I told him that I believe free choice. I believe that if one wants to leave, let him/her leave; if he/she truly chooses to stay - I value that choice, I do not value the stay that I forced. And he accused me being cold and unaffectionate.
Then, I told him that I think he is not mature enough and I am tired of waiting for him to mature. I told him about the incident (as my mother-in-law calls - bathrobe incident) and his high school friend's behavior, then he said he now sees the resemblance, and he is grateful that I did not share our financial situations with people. But he says she is not like an immature person as I think, infect she is very caring, sensitive, helpful and friendly. As I said I do not know her, but my hunch was if somebody was not sensitive about her husband's feeling, there might be something wrong about his description. Here, I became like my mom, and tried to show him the truth. I asked him to write her an email about our separation and his depressed feelings (in general). Later, when he received her email back, he showed me back trying to prove his statements. Alas, he still did not see what was not there. Two days later, I asked him to re-read the email, and asked him whether there is anything missing like she is sorry that we are separated, or how is he holding, or whether he needs somebody to talk to, or whether he needs anything. None of them was there. And from his face, I could see his whole fantasy collapsed.
I believe that everybody lives in their reality, and they do not have to match. But, does my reality cold and distant? Not showing that I am jealous (actually I was hurt, more than jealous), am I being unaffectionate? By giving space, am I giving too much space? Is it bad that I do not control his space; too much, or too little, does not he define it? Do I have a very rigid (and maybe distorted) beliefs about relationships?
I will greatly appreciate any comments. Thanks