fearing that my husband of 4 years is bisexual

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Gabby
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fearing that my husband of 4 years is bisexual

Postby Gabby » Thu May 11, 2006 11:30 pm

This topic was posted by Betrayed Wife. It was moved here from the 50 original letters by Gabby

DEAR ABBY
I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 10 YEARS AND MARRIED FOR 4 YRS.

SINCE THE MARRIAGE OCCURED I HAVE REASON TO SUSPECT THAT THIS IS A BISEXUAL MILITARY MAN. HE HATES ALL WOMEN. HE ALSO ABUSES ME. I WANT TO RETURN HOME BUT DUE TO HIS CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR I AM ALWAYS STUCK IN THE HOUSE SO NO RESOURCES. THIS WEEKEND HE SLICED MY FINGER OPEN AND LEFT MY 4 KIDS TO "PLAY DOCTOR". THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THAT HE'S BEATING OR ATTACKED ME. THIS IS THE 4TH EPISODE. I BELIEVE IN MY VOWS, BUT I CAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE ME THE SAME ANYMORE.HE HAS FRIENDS THAT ARE INTERESTED IN MEN ALSO.HE WATCH TONS OF PORN" BISEXUAL OR STRAIGHT". HE HAS BEEN ENTERING ME SEXUAL IN THE WRONG HOLE.I TELL HIM IT HURTS HE DOESN'T STOP. ANY ADVICE FOR ME ABBY ? I HAVE NO FRIENDS
Last edited by Gabby on Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 385
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Postby Gabby » Thu May 11, 2006 11:58 pm

Hi Betrayed Wife,

I find myself doubting your letter. I reply with the possibility that you are sincere and in desperate need of help and therapy.

The problem you describe is hopeless. Any advice I might suggest your mind will argue with as not possible. Everyone who reads your letter would advise you to go to the base chaplain, call the Military Police, or his commanding officer. If what you say is true then he needs emergency counseling. Anyone would get that there is a serious problem. You both would be interviewed, counseled and monitored by several military family and social service agencies—all accredited personnel who specialize in handling such things. The military handles these things entirely differently than do civilian police. If they discover that you're lying and that he's been doing his best to cope with your sickness they would discover it very soon and there would be no career related consequences for him. And, they would arrange for counseling and, according to your wishes, have the Red Cross provide you with free travel back to your home state. Keep in mind that even if you are the sick one he would be reprimanded because he didn't take you to on-base free counseling by a certified military family therapist/counseler. They hold that family stability is his responsibility.

Gabby, a.k.a. (Kerry) knows from personal experience that the military is well aware that not all people can handle the ethics/morality/stress of military duty and that many simply crack as a way of bringing attention to their out-integrity. Commanding officers have considerable compassion for job related mental illnesses.

On the other hand, for you to protect him and reward his behavior is tantamount to sabotage. He cannot be handling his job efficiently due to the instability of his home/family life. That is to say, your silence is putting his mission and the men who serve with him at risk. The karma for treating you as he has been will effect all outcomes. There is a phenomenon called "Suicide by Cop" —one comes to believe that the only way out of the mess is to set up life so as to be shot by a police officer. The military equivalent is to engage in unnecessary risks so as to be killed in combat. Your silence could be interpreted as you hoping for such a solution— i.e. Life will be great if he dies.

I say it's hopeless because my sense is that you will continue to do what you believe to be nothing which will cause things to get worse. You are paralyzed with fear and cannot see a way out. You are programmed to communicate in such a way as to further anger him and trigger his contempt. How could he possibly respect you for putting up with such behavior? Perhaps you're hoping things will get bad enough so that you can have him put in the brig?

The advice I have for you is to keep doing what you've been doing. Things will get worse and something will happen, some circumstance, a sickness, an accident, jail, or death will force a change. I say this because I know that you can't be trusted to report the situation to the authorities. Your mind has too many reasons; it needs to be right that he's sicker than you.

As with civil law the military grants immediate "Restraining Orders" —once you file a complaint you will be safe.

Please do not reply until you can say that you have not interacted with him for six-months in a row and that you have completed 25-hours of individual therapy.

With aloha,

Gabby


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