#47 Boyfriend’s online sex search presents a dilemma

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#47 Boyfriend’s online sex search presents a dilemma

Post by Gabby » Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:13 am

Dear Prudence (Margo Howard): I am a 25-year-old African-American woman. I have been dating a wonderful guy (let’s call him "James") for the last two years. I say wonderful because he is by far the best boyfriend ever. We met in school and been inseparable ever since. I love him and know he loves me. When my last boyfriend cheated on me with an online honey, James was there to offer a shoulder and an ear. With his help, I overcame a lot of hurt and emotional pain.

Anyway, I digress. For a long time I have known the names and passwords of most of James’ accounts, including his email. I have checked his mail from time to time only to find nothing. He was the perfect guy, so for a long time, I didn’t check his mail — until recently. I saw that he had joined an on-line dating service, so I checked that site. It said that he was looking for a "discrete sexual encounter" with someone who preferably had her own apartment.

This is like my last relationship all over again. Here is this guy who says he loves me … and he’s looking for a "sexual encounter." He has shown no signs of disappointment with our relationship. I don’t mean to sound like the typical "Jenny Jones" guest, but there you are. I know I did wrong by checking his e-mail. And I can’t tell him I checked his mail because he said his ex-girlfriend did the same thing and it ruined their relationship. What should I do? NERVOUS AND HURT.

Dear Nerv: You can't sit on the information you have because it will make you nuts. Prudie suggests you fess up about the e-mail "discovery." And tell him what YOUR last boyfriend did what he did—and it ruined your relationship.

If the romance tanks, so be it; better now than later. He may beg your forgiveness and apologize profusely. Then, it's your call... though it's hard to imagine a good excuse for advertising for a horny woman with an apartment.

Prudie believes knowledge is power, and when it's your future involved, it doesn't matter how you got the knowledge. —PRUDIE, DIRECTLY


Gabby's Response:

Hi Nerv: I'm distracted by the words, "African-American." If there is a significance I don't get it.

I get that James is "by far the best" you've had. It speaks volumes about your previous relationships. I don't get "love," except as a concept. When I'm experiencing the experience of love deceit is not in the space. Put another way, what you have been doing with James is not communication, it's called talking. Communication always results in openness and respect and consideration. Talking creates others withholding certain thoughts from you always for good reasons. In other words, you have not been a safe space for James to tell the truth.

If, on day-one of a relationship, you hold in the back of your mind the option of sneaking into your partner's e-mail, then you create a context for your partner to do their own sneaking. If on the other hand you are committed to integrity then you have given up all sneaky behaviors. Such a person can only attract a non sneaky person. Sneaky always attracts sneaky.

Re: "He was the perfect guy," Nope. You both were doing your "perfect person acts." Underneath the acts you each were operating from it's OK to withhold certain thoughts. Unbeknownst to him he was dating someone who would sneak into his e-mail and unbeknownst to you were dating some who did sneaky things also. Your argumentative mind, to be right, will say, "Ya, but my sneakiness wasn't as bad as his sneakiness." And, "He sneaked first which caused me to be suspicious enough to do my sneaking." Acknowledge the thoughts and let go of them. They serve as barriers to you getting to the truth about how YOU caused this.

Re: "This is like my last relationship all over again." Yes. Your communication model recreated it again because you have yet to learn your lesson. Even now you blame your first boyfriend because your integrity is such that you can't detect a person who is incomplete. A person who is complete can always tell when they are in the presence of someone who is incomplete, someone who is hiding something, not telling the whole truth or who has an unacknowledged perpetration. When you are in-integrity you can tell when your partner is out. They have no choice but to tell you the truth, such is the clarity and sanctity of your space. It's so inspiring it supports you in operating from impeccable integrity.

Remember, you're the one who attracts sneaky people. It's your leadership-communication model that inspires sneakiness.

Re: "Here is this guy who says he loves me." This is a blame statement. Stated responsibly it would read, "Here I conned this sneaky guy, who supports me in blaming my ex, into loving me." At some level you couldn't respect him for not catching you lying about the fact that you once before had seduced a person addicted to being sneaky." At some level you knew, as you know now, that you have no business being in a personal relationship until you get to the source of, and complete, your addiction to abuse.

Re: "...he said his ex-girlfriend did the same thing." This is called a setup. Look and see who you've done the same thing to. Once you see that he's mirroring you, you'll recognize it the next time.

Re: "I know I did wrong." Nope: You only believe you did wrong. Until a child knows, they only believe what their parents tell them, that fire hurts. A person who knows they did wrong can't go to sleep except that they must clean it up. They have no choice but to remove the pain, the experience of out-integrity. In truth it's suicidal to hold on to a withhold in a personal relationship for a few hours. In essence the out-integrity, the withhold, burns them. Your mind has manufactured reasons that serve as barriers to you telling the truth. Most people have so many out-integrities that they have become immune to the pain of perpetrations and withholding.

The way out of this self fulfilling trap is to make an appointment with a communicologist. Ask for support in locating the specific childhood incident, the conversation, from which you made the decision that total honesty doesn't work. Your task Ms. Phelps, is to intend to communicate openly and honestly and spontaneously in your next relationship.

BTW: If I were your father I'd be very hurt to think I trained you to attract and hang around a dishonest person. I suspect that part of your relationship pattern is about proving to him (dead or alive) that he failed. Imagine how strong and capable you'd have to be willing to be to have a successful relationship? You will always be the leader. Lead in a way that works.

Your letter will touch many. Gabby

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