#6 Husband - son, communication problem

Post a comment or ask a question about any of the 50 Original Dear Gabby Letters. See index of the 50 letters
Post Reply
Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

#6 Husband - son, communication problem

Post by Gabby » Sun Apr 10, 2005 4:04 pm

Dear Abby: My husband, "Nick," can't understand why our 10-year-old son, "Tony," is "hard" of hearing" when he talks to him. Maybe it's because Nick talks so loud that our son tunes him out.

I suggested that Nick ask Tony why he doesn't listen to him, but Nick gets mad at me and insists that he MUST talk loud to get through to Tony.

Abby, our son is not hard of hearing and I think Tony doesn't follow instructions because of the way his father talks to him. I also think the one who really isn't listening is my husband. Any advice? TONY'S MOM

DEAR TONY'S MOM: There's a power struggle going on and your husband thinks he can win it by shouting. Family counseling could help him gain some insight and communicate more effectively with Tony. If your husband refuses, I recommend earplugs for you until Tony leaves for college. ABBY

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Tony's Mom: There is a communication problem here but you have the finger pointing the wrong way. You are failing to cause communication to take place between you and your husband, and you are stuck blaming him.

I don't get that your "…husband can't understand." What I do get is that you refuse to do what it takes to cause him to hear your point of view without invalidating you. I also get that you refuse to insist that he get anger management counseling. I suspect this is to mask your own unacknowledged anger and rage at his abuse.

You use covert anger as a weapon against your husband. By that I mean you have a self-righteous position about anger that keeps you from communicating your anger to your husband. Notice how you have trained him to use anger to get you off his back. This reveals that you have no intention of being gotten, rather your intention is to be right that anger and voice-raising is wrong.

Also, you have empowered your son to disrespect his father so as to have him as your ally. Bad yelling father, poor you. I'm good, he's bad.

There are a lot of dissatisfactions not being expressed verbally here. You have managed to turn your husband and son against each other. Very powerful of you. You will continue to produce these results until you get some communication/leadership counseling or training. Thank you, Gabby


To reply or post a comment press "post reply."

Post Reply