#8 Friend blindly marrying a jerk

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#8 Friend blindly marrying a jerk

Post by Gabby » Sat Apr 09, 2005 2:51 pm

Dear Abby: My friend Natalie recently called to ask me to be in her wedding. I agreed, of course.

Abby, Natalie is making a huge mistake. They have nothing in common. He drinks a lot and smokes. She doesn't. He puts her down about her weight. She loves children. He doesn't. I could go on and on. She's the nicest person I have ever met, and I think she deserves a lot better.

I think she feels that he's the only man who will marry her. I want her to open her eyes and see this jerk for who he really is, and I don't want her hurt any more, but I'm afraid if I say anything, it will destroy our friendship.

Abby, Natalie's mother doesn't like her fiancé either, but her mother hates Natalie too. (Her mother has even threatened her life.)

I don't want to be in this wedding because I know the marriage will not last. What can be done to stop Natalie from making the biggest mistake of her life? WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND

DEAR WORRIED: If Natalie is making serious wedding plans, it's unlikely that she'll listen to what you have to say.

Some people have to learn the hard way, and Natalie may be one of them. Be there for her on her big day -- and be around later in case you have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. That's what friends are for. ABBY


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Worried: The very advice you are offering your friend (stay away from him) is the same that you need to take about her. Natalie is merely mirroring your addiction to hanging around people that need therapy. "Nicest person..." yet she attracted, and is conning, this equally damaged "jerk." I think not. Note: Without exception the "nice" teachers (the ones who get awards) daily, non-verbally, submit students to another day with teachers they know to be ineffectual.

Re: "I agreed, of course." . . . Natalie is making a huge mistake." I trust you can now see that you were unconscious, not in present time when she invited you. That it was you who made the big mistake by agreeing to attend her wedding. Had you been conscious, operating in real-time, and, committed to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, you would have at been appropriately shocked/surprised and at least hesitated, which she would have gotten. You: "I, um, Natalie, I'm at a loss as to what to say. I haven't been honest with you. etc. etc."

You focus on her problems so that you don't have to identify and handle yours.

That you're afraid to tell her the truth and that you know she doesn't value your opinion is not what most would call a supportive "friendship."

Natalie's mind:
  • "H'mm, lets see what can I do today to destroy my life and upset my best friend? I know, I'll bring someone into our relationship whom I know she will not get along with."
The more serious problem is that you are unaware that you already have been invalidated by her. You have been ineffective at supporting Natalie in removing herself from the hateful relationship with her mother and the potential violence of her new relationship.

An actualized woman would say—
  • "Natalie, communicating into that environment, (continuing to relate with someone as violent as, as sick as, your mother) indicates that you need therapy. I need to know that you are committed to healing yourself. Tell your mother to get into, and stay in, therapy until you feel loved and safe. Natalie, if you don't take this action, I'll have no choice but to stay away from you. I need to know that I'm not enabling this abuse, that I have a positive effect on all with whom I relate."
Re: "Some people have to learn the hard way," Yes, you have yet to learn how to support another positively.

You are correct, no other man, at least not an actualized one, would marry into that family. For her to bring anyone into her family, to submit them to the same abuse her mother inflicts upon her, is not a gift of love. Not until she disassociates (estranges) herself from her family, the people who feed her addiction to abuse, will she attract a loving partner. Thank you, Gabby

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Last edited 3/15/19

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