#11 Father & daughter communication problem

Post a comment or ask a question about any of the 50 Original Dear Gabby Letters. See index of the 50 letters
Post Reply
Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

#11 Father & daughter communication problem

Post by Gabby » Sat Apr 09, 2005 2:39 pm

DEAR ABBY: My 79-year-old father visits our home and loves to work on projects like trimming bushes and repairing things. He gets very sweaty and takes frequent breaks by coming in the house and sitting in his favorite chair, my cherished fabric covered recliner. After his visits my chair smells of sweat. I have had it cleaned twice, and now we are expecting him again.

I would like to put a large towel on the chair before he arrives, but my husband says Dad will be offended. Would this be rude? I doubt that my chair can take many more cleanings. LOOKING FOR A TACTFUL WAY

DEAR LOOKING: Purchase an inexpensive, washable throw or slip cover for your recliner. Your cherished chair will be protected and Dad will be none the wiser. ABBY

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Looking: I'm concerned that your husband prefers that you be offended rather than your Dad. If I were your father I'd be offended to discover that people were talking behind my back, you and your husband, and you and a columnist.

Most importantly, I would be extremely disappointed to discover that I had trained my daughter to be afraid to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with me. Worse, that I had supported her in marrying someone who supports such gossip.

This is about much more than smelly upholstery. It's a wake up call for your personal integrity. It's about communication mastery. If you support hiding such things from others you automatically create others talking behind your back, because they are afraid .... for reasons. I assure you that you are withholding thoughts from your husband as is he withholding his thoughts of choice from you, again, for reasons.

It could be said that your father is putting the finishing touches on your education. He'll know when he's done a great job, when his daughter isn't afraid to speak her mind to him on any subject. In the old days, a dad would feel proud and accomplished when his teen son threatened to hit him. The relationship immediately was transformed, relating from fear and condescension to one of mutual respect as adults. Things have changed now and the same results can be produced without threats of abuse.

Thank you, Gabby

To reply or post a comment press "post reply."

Post Reply