#3 Mistress' death bed visit is not a good idea

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#3 Mistress' death bed visit is not a good idea

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 11:17 pm

Dear Abby: I'd like to pose a question. A man is dying. If I went to visit him, he would be delighted to see me. Even though I haven’t seen him in years, it would bring back happy memories for him. Neither his wife nor his children know that I exist.

After much soul-searching, I have decided that I won't go. I have come to the conclusion that a visit would be disruptive and cause the family pain and suffering, as well as warping their memories of a wonderful man. But I pondered this question, I wondered how many wives might accept such a visit, knowing that it would provide some solace to a man whom they both love. THE MISTRESS

Dear Mistress: Probably not many. If the family resided in Europe, where mistresses are more common, such a visit might be welcomed. However, in the United States, we have a more disapproving attitude about extra marital relationships, and wives of dying husbands are not likely to appreciate a visit from a secret "admirer." Better to let lying dogs sleep. ABBY

Gabby's Response:

Hi Mistress: Your ponder is your integrity at work. Do you hold that withholds (lies and deceits) have consequences? Do you think there is a remote possibility that part of his illness and pending death has anything at all to do with his integrity, or your integrity? We don't know do we? Until this incomplete has been acknowledged and completed we'll never know to what extent it is affecting things (for more about the correlation between integrity and health see Conversations in Support of Health). You don't say whether you knew him before he was married but your question, your considerations and fears, speak volumes.

You say "wonderful" yet it's possible that he has continued to withhold his relationship with you from those he loves. In a relationship in which there is open and honest communication such a withhold is called deceit. You also mention "warping their memories." Notice that their memories are not accurate, they are not of who he really is. Doesn't a lie (in this case, living a lie) indicate that their memories are already warped?

Your silence ensures that his wife, most likely unaware of your relationship with her husband and her responsibility in the matter, continues communicating as she has, with her head in the clouds, not being a safe space for those who love her to tell her the truth. I see a life lived unconsciously.

You have two choices; remain silent and doom your fellow sister to more of the same or, muster up the courage and compassion it will take to clean up the mess—unless you do, he might just go to his grave with this deception. Most importantly, restoring your integrity will effect your own health and aliveness.

I know of no one in my life who would not be happy for me if anyone bearing love showed up at my death bed. At first, someone may experience upset but I know all would be willing to process it through to mutual satisfaction. Thank you, Gabby

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