#24 Spouse beating herself up over early transgression

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#24 Spouse beating herself up over early transgression

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:24 pm

Dear Ann Landers: I am not a famous politician or a member of the British royal family. I'm just one of the millions of women you have written about over the years who cheated on their husbands.

I was luckier than most. I have a wonderful man who was able to forgive me. We have two beautiful children and are a truly happy family.

To the outside world, I have it all, but the path I chose affected those I love most. I live with the knowledge that I broke one of the Ten Commandments as well as my wedding vows. I also live with the pain of having hurt some very decent people. I fear that my children may one day learn of my infidelity and think less of me. I hope from this point on, my behavior will make up for my past indiscretions, even though nothing can wash away the shame.

I want to share what I have learned. Please urge your readers to talk with their spouses at the first sign of trouble and seek counseling from a competent source. Encourage them to keep their children in the forefront of their thoughts at all times. Caution them to appreciate what they have and not risk losing it. Whatever the gain, it isn't worth it. There are no book contracts or movie deals for my story. I am nobody special, just an anonymous woman who cheated on her husband, someone ordinary people can identify with. If you publish my letter maybe I can make a difference. ATLANTA, GA.

Dear GA.: I can assure you that your letter WILL make a difference. Mission accomplished. Thank you for writing. ANN LANDERS

Gabby’s Response:

Hi GA.: You say you've learned, yet you are still committed to deceit and withholding. One either communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously, or they have their reasons. Your children need to know who you are—that you are human. They need to know that you have had and still have as many problems with truth and honesty as they do. If you hide things from them you will train them to hide things from you and others.

I'm concerned about your burden of guilt. I got that you lied, deceived and broke many agreements. So what! That was then and this is now. That does not make you a bad person nor a nobody. Dragging around your badness guarantees that you will do it again, as you are demonstrating, only in another form, by deceiving, withholding, things from your children. They cannot respect you because they don't know you. Whatever respect they have of you now is from their inaccurate picture of you, only that part of you that you're willing to share.

You seem to think that your advice might prevent someone from cheating. I don't think any advice column prevents or stops people from doing anything. It does bring things up for observation. Observation leads to choice. A cheater is not in choice. They are addicted and operate from a decision to cheat. Few, if any, cheaters who read what you, Ann, or I have written can or will choose to stop today.

Re your advice: I think your advice is really your integrity at work. I sense it's you trying to get caught/acknowledged for earlier deceptions and lies (earlier than your cheating incident), perhaps back during your childhood/school days. Ask who have you deceived? Who are you deceiving still to this day? Who are you withholding things from for fear of your reputation?

I invite you to create and live from the ground of being that you are a truly magnificent person, a very important part of the puzzle. Of course you're welcome to believe that you're not that important, "just one of the millions." —Gabby

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