#33 Girls team coach requests coaching

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#33 Girls team coach requests coaching

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:52 pm

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old former college soccer player, now coaching a girl's high schools team in California. This is my first coaching job and for some reason, some of the girls on the team are flirting with me and looking very suggestive.

When a girls gives me "that look." I'm both troubled and excited at the same time. I want to maintain my professional coaching relationship, but it's becoming very difficult.

Do any of your readers have any suggestions? I have heard about coaches becoming involved with the athletes. TEMPTED

DEAR TEMPTED: If I were you, I'd keep one eye on the ball, the other on the score-board, and if one of those young women makes another pass, tell her she's out of bounds and if it happens again, she'll be benched and reported to the principal.

If the temptation is too much for you, I recommend a cold shower and reassignment to a boy's soccer team. These girls are minors, and you are in a position of trust and authority. Involvement with a student could destroy the rest of your profession life. ABBY


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Tempted: I congratulate you for having the courage, integrity and smarts to share these thoughts.

I'm convinced that the vast majority of child molesters begin with thinking thoughts that most men are ashamed or afraid of talking about. Few wives are a safe space to share such things.

For the record. Yours are normal healthy thoughts. What happens for most men is that they don't talk about such things, consequently the thoughts grow in definition and refinement. At first manageable, later, with too much free time, details get added thereby becoming a fantasy. It's called adding mass to a thought. For some the thoughts begin being dramatized and then manifest themselves physically.

Each person creates different problems so as to learn specific lessons. Two that I can see for you are: One, you are blind to the emanations, the vibes, that you give off.

The second thing is that you are not clear about sex. By this I mean that you are engaged in foreplay and pretending that you're innocent. One test of this is to notice how your behavior changes with the seducers when another male, such as a male parent or the principal, is watching. Another test is to watch and see how differently you relate with a group of boys. The difference is your sexist attitude/bias.

I assure you girls do not flirt with coaches who are there to get the job done. Flirting is quite often used to cause a coach to lighten up.

You need to acknowledge that they are merely responding to your flirtations, your conscious/unconscious intentions. If you look closely you'll see that even your vocabulary is different with them than it would be if they were boys. You are in fact sexist.

Young girls are learning who they are and how to make it in life. A part of this is sex and flirting. When they find a willing co-creator they turn it on, always in proportion with the male, the other, the dancer.

Again, there is nothing wrong here, and,,,, I'm not clear that you are out of the woods. It's possible that even your letter is an unconscious attempt at fooling yourself, you truly believing that you want to stop. Not unlike those who go to therapy to prove later that they "tried" and, to cause the therapist to fail.

On the other hand, if you are pure of heart and know with certainty that your intentions to serve them are consistent with society's standards then;


1) Don't ever ever be alone with just one girl—beckon another to be in ear-shot of private coachings. It trains the listener how to be a good coach.
2) Spend equal time with all the girls, especially those who hold themselves to be unworthy of your attentions.
3) Do not drive a girl home, better for you to pay for a taxi.


Some coaches don't have to worry about these things because they never caused the flirting to start. But for you, these rules are absolutely necessary. From this new ground of being you can engage is some awesome true intercourse. All girls are looking for just one adult male with whom they can say exactly what's on their mind and know that the man can be trusted to not hit on them. Supporting girls in their personal relationships with boys is a great way to be a part of their life and to test your selflessness. Gabby

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