#36 Feeling badly about telling on friend

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#36 Feeling badly about telling on friend

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:42 pm

DEAR ABBY: I witnessed a theft and told a teacher, who promptly informed the cops. I feel terrible about it—like I’ve betrayed the friend who did it. What should I do? —WONDERING IN FLORIDA

DEAR WONDERING: First, forgive yourself. You did the right thing. While your friend may not appreciate it right now, you may have saved that person from a life of crime. Birds of a feather flock together so the second thing to do is find another friend who’s less troubled than the first. —ABBY

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Wondering: It's great that you are conscious enough to feel badly, even more so that you are sharing your experience and asking for support. What you are experiencing is your out-integrity. Some call it guilt others call it conscience.

"—like I've betrayed..."? H'm, sounds like a case of denial to me.

The West Point Code of Honor requires that the observer (you) first confront the perpetrator (your friend) and ask them to report themselves. If they refuse, you then tell them that you will. Otherwise, you become an accessory. If the cadet observer elects to not confront or report the cadet perpetrator both will be expelled. You left out the first step.

Your parents and teachers were supposed to inform you on how to handle such things. Instead, they taught you to be "good."*

Now let's look and see what the out-integrity is really about. My sense is that there was something going on in your relationship with your "friend" that was incomplete for you, else you most likely would not have so readily turn them in without talking to him/her. True friends don't do that without quite a few heart-wrenching conversations.

In any case, it's important to know that his/her perpetration was/is a cry for help. He/she had lost their respect for you else they would not have risked disappointing you or losing the friendship. In other words, your betrayal happened earlier; your relationship with your friend was out-integrity and in your universe you are cause. You were blaming him/her for an earlier incomplete for which you were unconsciously driven to ensure they were punished.**

You ask what to do. Here are two things:

Firstly: Your letter suggests that you did not, and perhaps have not yet, discussed this with your parents; if so, it reveals that you have been hiding other things from them. A child who is open and honest with his/her parents, always discusses such things with them so as to get advice. In other words, this is an opportunity to acknowledge your own withholds with your parents. It could be said that your friend unconsciously supported you in being open, honest, and spontaneous with your parents. For support in cleaning up your relationship with your parents do The Clearing Process.

Secondly: The surest way to restore your experience of integrity is to get into communication with your friend. It's most likely there never was an experience of communication between you (talking yes, communication no) so a letter will be a good start. Acknowledge that you weren't there for them when they needed you, that you lead them to believe that you were their friend, and that reporting them was a dramatization of your upset with them. —Gabby

* During WWII "good" German children would report their parents/friends (behind their backs) to the Gestapo for speaking against Hitler or for helping a Jew; the parents were sent to concentration camps never to be seen again.

** For each person in jail now there was a fork in the road, an interaction with a classmate/family member (a communication that was not mutually satisfying), that became the turning point—from going straight to committing their first perpetration. Few "successful" high school graduates have acknowledged the effects of shunning someone who, at the time, needed a friend.

(Last edited 9/18/17)

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