#38 Mom should keep quiet about sex

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#38 Mom should keep quiet about sex

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 12:08 pm

Dear Ann Landers: Two weeks ago, I walked in on my 17-year-old daughter having sex with her boyfriend, "Justin." They will both be 18 in two months. They are good kids and plan on going to college together next year. I knew it would be pointless to lecture them, because as you so wisely said in your column a while back, once teens begin to have sex, it’s almost impossible to get them to stop.

I took my daughter to the gynecologist and had her put on birth control pills. I also discussed with her the importance of safe and responsible sex. My daughter was grateful that I was not judgmental or angry.

Here’s the problem. I frequently speak to Justin’s parents, and they have let me know they don’t want their son to become sexually active until he is married. I am convinced if they knew what was going on, they would demand that Justin stop seeing my daughter, or they might insist the two of them get married right away. Neither solution seems "sensible" to me.

Justin’s parents question me often about where the kids have been and what I think they might have been up to. I am having a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut. Should I tell his parents they are having sex? I would appreciate your input. —UP AGAINST IT IN IOWA

Dear Iowa: The answer is a solid unequivocal NO. Under no circumstances should you tell Justin’s parents what you know about the couple’s activities. It would not help the situation. In fact it might make things worse. Also, your daughter would never forgive you for betraying their confidence—and I wouldn’t blame them. This is not your story to tell.

Whether or not you approve of what’s going on, these kids are almost 18 and no longer under your control. If your daughter and Justin are going to the same college, they may one day marry and their current sexual intimacy will not be an issue. Keep your oar out of their water and hope for the best. —ANN


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Iowa:

The problem reveals several things.
  • 1) A flaw in yours and now your daughter’s character.
    2) A flaw in Justin’s character (not the ideal son-in-law).
    3) A communication breakdown between Justin and his parents.
And, it reveals a subject that you've been introduced to but have yet to learn; perhaps you were told about the consequences of deceit but it didn't get gotten (communication didn't take place). You have unwittingly, unconsciously, sabotaged another child’s parents and trained your daughter to attract a deceitful partner.

It's even worse. You have trained your daughter to enroll you in deceiving his parents. As the leader you have created a conspiracy. Your daughter has seduced a boy into deceiving his parents for carnal pleasure. No matter what you or the teens think, what they are experiencing is not love. There can be no experience of love when the foundation of the relationship is based upon lies and deceit. What they are experiencing (commonly referred to as sex) cannot produce the joy and ecstasy that comes from true intercourse. Why? For one, Justin can't acknowledge his parents for their enormous gift of life. He even has to suppress his embarrassing glow in front of them. The energy from the love that such a bond is supposed to be generating can't be fully shared back into each family. These teens can't reap the benefits that comes from having open, honest, and spontaneous communication with both sets of parents and both families with each other.

Justin’s deceit of his parents reveals a character flaw of his that grows with success. Justin has a serious communication problem. He has not been taught to communicate openly and honestly with his parents. He will continue this pattern with his spouse and it will carry over into all of his relationships for life. He will hide certain things from everyone. He has no control over his lying. His deceit is a setup. He was testing you, hoping that you were as great as he believes your daughter to be. It was no accident that they allowed themselves to be caught. That was their integrity at work, unconsciously setting you up to support them in cleaning up the mess.

Justin has another (earlier) unacknowledged perpetration or withhold with his parents. Children who are whole and complete, who are in-integrity, are committed to getting their parent's communications and supporting their intentions. That Justin thwarts his parent's wants, wishes, and advice about sex reveals covert sabotage and unacknowledged non-verbalized disrespect. If Justin is pretending to be honest with his parents, is he also pretending to be faithful to your daughter; in other words, she should know about sexually transmitted diseases.

Now to the biggie: Why would you unconsciously mastermind this intrigue? There is a genius lurking here somewhere. We set up life to get caught for earlier similar out-integrities so as to acknowledge and complete them. Until then we have no choice but to engage in, and surround ourselves with, deceitful activities. Use what’s happening as a memory trigger to locate your incomplete. My hunch is that you engaged in similar intrigues when a teen and have yet to be caught.

If they are willing to come clean you could create space for communication to take place by hosting a dinner. You and your daughter could serve as facilitators while Justin cleans up his relationship with his parents. In any case, this all must be cleaned up quickly so as to preclude the undesirable karma that comes from talking behind the backs of others.

Lastly, no matter what you or they believe, you all are doomed to a life of drama involving deceptions unless this gets cleaned up with everyone concerned. Remember, you are all equally deceptive, none more than any other.

I recommend that you do The Clearing Process (it's free), one clearing per day for five days in a row, preferably before you attempt to restore everyone's integrity. It will help you identify the incomplete that this about for you. Then, with your daughter, do The Clearing Process for Couples. Thank you for the great letter, it will be of value to many. —Gabby

P.S. Because of their out-integrity they are karmically ripe for an unwanted pregnancy, "forgot to take the pill, etc." My experience tells me that Justin is perpetrating other lies and deceits. You and your daughter are unwitting co-conspirators in his other capers.

P.P.S. Another thing this problem reveals is that you have not been in communication with your daughter. It causes me to wonder what else she is hiding from you. A teen who withholds certain things from his/her parents will do the same with their spouse.

Way before this event you were supposed to have sat down and covered everything about sex, to include when and where. Had you an open and honest relationship with her you would have known that the petting was getting heavy and that she was considering having sex for the first time. It's you who determines if it's an exciting joyous event shared with all or if it's done sneakily with guilt.

What was supposed to have happened was that when your daughter first shared with you that she was thinking of having sex with him you should have insisted upon having Justin and his folks over for tea, and in front of the teens get clear about things, especially who pays for what—for life—if they "accidentally" have a baby. You should say to your daughter, in front of Justin and his parents, "If you cause Justin to impregnate you so that you have to postpone your college plans you will have to move out. I don't want to play the finance-your-irresponsible-sex-game." This is said, so that Justin and his parents are fully aware of the effects his actions will have on another's life if he accidentally gets her pregnant. She needs to have him acknowledged to her, cleanly and clearly, that he will pay 50% of the expenses until the child is 18. Both need to create (together) an expense budget for a possible baby; they should sit down and go over these expenses with you (such teen lists often omit possible emergency anesthesia costs and who pays for the cost of housing the baby (utilities etc.)

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 6/9/12)

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