#42 Don't let pre-nup wreck relationship

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#42 Don't let pre-nup wreck relationship

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 12:02 pm

Dear Ann Landers: I am 23 years old and have been dating "Charles" for eight months. We are quite serious and contemplating marriage.

After a heartfelt conversation yesterday, Charles informed me that his parents expect his bride to sign a prenuptial agreement, which would bar me from recovering any property he inherits from his parents if we divorce. I believe prenuptial agreements cheapen the act of marriage and create a "backup" plan for divorce. I do not want to marry someone knowing my beloved expects the marriage to not last.

Charles insists this isn't personal. He said that any woman he marries would have to sign it. I love Charles with all my heart, but I don't want money ruling our lives. What should I do? —NOT SURE IN MARYLAND

Dear Not Sure: If the point of the prenuptial agreement is to protect the family heirlooms, you should not object. It is understandable that Charles' parents want to make sure precious and sentimental items remain in the family. Don't let their worries wreck your relationship. However, before signing anything, I recommend talking to a lawyer to be sure there are no surprises. ANN

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Not Sure: I don't get "Not sure." It sounds to me as though you have very firm convictions. It's unlikely that you will be able to change Charles' mind; it appears that no one can change yours. Both positions are founded upon the lifetime experiences of two families. Both equally right, reasonable and justifiable.

Charles says, "...his parents expect his bride..." This is an irresponsible statement; it's a dump. He delivered an ultimatum in the name of his parents rather than say to you, "My parents and I want you to . . . if you agree then we all would like to talk with your parents to make sure they also can agree to this stipulation." His communication is a covert way of dumping you. In business negotiations it’s called a deal-breaker. It’s not negotiable. He and his parents are smart enough to know that such a question should be asked up front during the first date before leading you on.

You are fortunate to have discovered this lesson now. There are things you were supposed to have learned from your family, high school sociology classes, and dates. It looks to me as though you were surfing above your social class. People with wealth and heirlooms have different viewpoints about many things just as do romanticists and idealists.

You are absolutely right, about prenuptial agreements being an unconscious plan for possible failure—however it comes from your created reality. Many who have been there would say that your position reveals a naiveté about marriage and that your arrogance begs to be humiliated. You ignore that millions and millions of other marriages (approx 40-50% fail). You honestly believe that somehow you are better, more loving, and more capable. I know of no parachutist who jumps without a reserve yet none would say they "expect" an accident, they are just willing to look at the possibilities, something you refuse to do. Most all divorced couples will tell you of the profound love and sense of commitment they had at the beginning. Millions will also tell you what happened to the possessions they brought into the marriage after an acrimonious divorce.

It's clear to me that what you have been up to is discovering just what qualities you want in a partner. The clearer you become without actually marrying the smoother the marriage will be.

Remember, there is something about your integrity that attracted this man. You say you don't want a relationship to be about money yet here you are arguing about money. Acknowledging this lie now can save you lots of grief. My hit is that you will need to resolve all sorts of money issues before you'll have no arguments about money. Eight months and only now this important topic comes up? This suggests you have been withholding lots of thoughts, a sure way to destroy a relationship.

BTW: His parents know him better than you do, clearly they don't trust him. They know his patterns, in part because he mirrors them. Also, what you call love is not it; couples who are experiencing love simply don't have these kinds of problems. He is programmed to date "girls" he can control as opposed to dating mature confidant women. A conscious person, someone committed to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously—someone in-integrity (zero withholds with family and friends), would have picked up on his materialistic vibrations immediately and not dated him, definitely not a second time.

It would work for you to let men know up front, preferably on the first date, where you stand on this and other important issues (see our Relationships Tutorial—conversations to have with your steady/fiancé). Most important: Let your parents, friends, and all future dates know what happened with Charles. Someone who knows you will shed more light about this for you.

Complete your relationship with Charles. Even if you cleared up the money issue you would find something else wrong with him. You need to have and complete a few more relationships so as to get to know you and the way things are. Not to worry, these are lessons one is supposed to learn in high school—life always gets better. —Gabby

PS: Read Must-reads for engaged couples.

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